Dear Miss Emily:

 I have plans to go on a weekend seafood and wine festival with a great friend who loves seafood as much as I do.  We have a lot in common and both want to go on this trip just the two of us.  We have a mutual friend who we both like, but she can be over bearing and run the show.  She just asked if she could come with us.  The only reason I mentioned it to her was because she already had plans to go out of town so I was sure we were in the clear.  well she canceled her plans and asked if she could come with us.  We both dont want her to come, but not sure how we can tell her.  She would not appreciate this trip like we will and everything has to be top notch with her.  How do we tell her no without hurting her feelings.

---------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

The reason a person is overbearing, and runs the show, is because others will not speak up. By lacking the courage to do so, it enables the person to get away with it, believing it's sanctioned. There's no easy way to handle this dilemma, and you can't un-ring the bell. She knows about the trip and assumed she'd, naturally, be wanted -- and even canceled her plans in order to be included. That said, I do not think it's appropriate to invite yourself to anything before being asked -- unless you are sure the friend thought you'd not want to go, no way, no how -- such as "My friend and I are going kitten hunting this weekend," and you never mentioned that you, too, love kitten hunting! You have three choices, the way I see it: 1) You tell her you don't want to hurt her feelings, you love her, but you and "Jan" planned this trip just for the two of you based on your mutual love for seafood, and the accommodations suited both your needs. 2) Sit her down and say she's welcome, but she has a tendency to pull the plans in her direction -- leaving the two of you to accommodate her, rather than it being a joint effort. "So if you're on-board with what we've planned, come with us." *Now, you can avoid the first part of this option (courage being minimal) by telling her. "These are the plans verbatim, and we put a lot of thought into it. If you think they sound good to you, please come." If she says "Yes," and on the trip still tries to pull rank, then tell her "No, these were the plans, and you agreed." 3) Suck it up. Tell her she's welcome to come, and  suffer any consequences if she, yet, again, changes the plans to her way -- because you allowed it. Of course, there's always lying, but if she's in constant contact with you and this other friend, that makes it dicey -- and if you're anything like me, lying is harder than telling the truth.