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Beween A "Rock Group" And A Hard Place
- By Miss Emily
- Published 04/12/2011
- Relationships - Women
Anyone reading my column, please note that an icertified.net address cannot be given a private response because Yahoo won't deliver it. Therefore, any advice must be posted on my site.
Dear Miss Emily,
I'm a 25 year old female in a band with a 25 year old male. We've been dating off and on for the past few years. We have very different personalities and views of our relationship. Now the problem is communication. He won't talk with me about anything that has to do with us personally. He's been burned badly in his past relationship, and it seems he is afraid of being hurt or hurting me, but he's already done that with his indecisiveness. He knows this. Our relationship as lovers and/or friends feels dried out, and old. We need to rediscover each other. I've told him this, I've told him many things, and he knows exactly what I think about us. I want my best friend back, but I'm so buried in this situation that I can't see a clear resolve. Recently, we have had a stroke of luck with our music which should make us so happy being around each other and it's been a mix of anything but that. I guess if I could sum up the root of the problem into a sentence or too, it's that he's never been completely honest with himself, or me about what he wants out of our relationship and, in turn, has been dragging me along for some time. I have come to him multiple times with my heart on my sleeve looking for some idea of what's going on. I've opened up too many times in a desperate attempt to make him think about someone else besides himself, for once. I guess what I want to know is . . . how can I refresh our relationship in a discrete manor? How can I get him to open up, and start treating me with more respect without spilling my heart to him one more time?
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------
I agree, spilling your heart, one more time, is not the answer -- or it would have been several "spilling" moments in the past. I think it's a poor excuse to not get involved with someone because he (or she) has been burned before. Every relationship is different, and it only shows a willingness to play the role of victim -- or it's a handy ace to use as an excuse! I think it boils down to him not wanting more from the relationship, period. Being lovers and friends is dried out, because he's not capable of taking it beyond the usual wear and tear. If I were you, I'd cut out any sex, remain friendly, and businesslike. If the group is showing some major signs of success, I'd concentrate on that. Right now, he's in charge of the relationship because he gets what he wants, and you oblige -- despite an occasional, verbal, yearning for more. Remember Einstein's definition of crazy: Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result. Change your attitude, distance yourself romantically (hard as it may be to do), and show some emotional strength, and self-respect. Tell him you've decided you're beating a dead horse, and it is you who will face the relationship with a new attitude -- and business savvy. It might be a relief to him, and it also gives him an opportunity to distance himself enough to see the whole picture. And believe in the change you are making. To do a half-assed version, only to think it's a new way to manipulate him into the relationship you want, would be wrong-headed. I firmly believe you and he need the space to be who you are, without this hanging over your heads every two minutes. Flip the switch, and focus on making this group a huge success.
Dear Miss Emily,
I'm a 25 year old female in a band with a 25 year old male. We've been dating off and on for the past few years. We have very different personalities and views of our relationship. Now the problem is communication. He won't talk with me about anything that has to do with us personally. He's been burned badly in his past relationship, and it seems he is afraid of being hurt or hurting me, but he's already done that with his indecisiveness. He knows this. Our relationship as lovers and/or friends feels dried out, and old. We need to rediscover each other. I've told him this, I've told him many things, and he knows exactly what I think about us. I want my best friend back, but I'm so buried in this situation that I can't see a clear resolve. Recently, we have had a stroke of luck with our music which should make us so happy being around each other and it's been a mix of anything but that. I guess if I could sum up the root of the problem into a sentence or too, it's that he's never been completely honest with himself, or me about what he wants out of our relationship and, in turn, has been dragging me along for some time. I have come to him multiple times with my heart on my sleeve looking for some idea of what's going on. I've opened up too many times in a desperate attempt to make him think about someone else besides himself, for once. I guess what I want to know is . . . how can I refresh our relationship in a discrete manor? How can I get him to open up, and start treating me with more respect without spilling my heart to him one more time?
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------
I agree, spilling your heart, one more time, is not the answer -- or it would have been several "spilling" moments in the past. I think it's a poor excuse to not get involved with someone because he (or she) has been burned before. Every relationship is different, and it only shows a willingness to play the role of victim -- or it's a handy ace to use as an excuse! I think it boils down to him not wanting more from the relationship, period. Being lovers and friends is dried out, because he's not capable of taking it beyond the usual wear and tear. If I were you, I'd cut out any sex, remain friendly, and businesslike. If the group is showing some major signs of success, I'd concentrate on that. Right now, he's in charge of the relationship because he gets what he wants, and you oblige -- despite an occasional, verbal, yearning for more. Remember Einstein's definition of crazy: Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result. Change your attitude, distance yourself romantically (hard as it may be to do), and show some emotional strength, and self-respect. Tell him you've decided you're beating a dead horse, and it is you who will face the relationship with a new attitude -- and business savvy. It might be a relief to him, and it also gives him an opportunity to distance himself enough to see the whole picture. And believe in the change you are making. To do a half-assed version, only to think it's a new way to manipulate him into the relationship you want, would be wrong-headed. I firmly believe you and he need the space to be who you are, without this hanging over your heads every two minutes. Flip the switch, and focus on making this group a huge success.
