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- Silence Can Be Golden
Silence Can Be Golden
- By Miss Emily
- Published 04/12/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I'm 25, and my boyfriend is 28. I had been with my boyfriend for 3 years.We lived together for about 2 and a half years. Everything was great for much of that time despite many hardships. We rarely had any arguments if any. He had a remarkable way of being generally positive all the time. I found it hard to gauge if it was true because he worked a lot, and we never had any earth shattering emotional connection. We were great friends during our relationship and I miss him terribly. I was the one who ended it a few months ago because I felt disconnected from him. Like I needed more, with a date of having to move to a new place looming over our heads I started really considering my future. Financially, I wouldn't be able to afford to go back to school, and his support for my education wasn't there. I felt a lot like either he was very simple or was no longer in love with me. I couldn't imagine making the move and having it be impossible to go to school in September. I moved in with my parents, temporarily, until we could clear up our issues. At this time, he wasn't in contact with me and a friend I had met at work began to take interest in me. It was as if he was a mirror image of me, and he got me very involved in my passion for art and treated me so romantically and kindly like I had never experienced before. I struggled with the fact that I had just ended things with my boyfriend, but also had never felt so in tune with another human being. Since my ex was not calling me, I began to have feelings towards this new friend and he towards me. I became involved with him, and quickly started to see that everything I hated most about myself was a trait of his. It was a fantastic learning experience. But that was all. He had showed me some wonderful things, and helped me get on to my path in the arts and also without knowing it taught me about my flaws. I began to realize how much I truly admired and loved my ex. Although the two of us were so different, we worked as a great couple. I ended my brief relation with my new friend, and tried to speak to my ex. My ex was terribly glad to talk, again, and we both expressed how much we loved one another and are trying to work on our issues of sharing our feelings and emotional connection. The problem is that I feel guilty for having another relationship so soon after our breaking up -- but it helped me a lot to see things clearer. But every time I look at my ex when he visits, or I visit him, I feel so overwhelmed by how honest and kind he is to me and how terribly I feel I betrayed him by falling for someone else while we were apart. I feel like I should tell him. But I know in my heart it would ruin any chance of ever being together again. But I also feel I could never live feeling like I was hiding something from him. I feel like I'd rather live alone, forever, than look into his eyes with guilt. I love him so very much and am conflicted. Do I tell him with the selfish hope he could forgive and we could move on to a possible relationship that has no trust and hurt each other? Or should I just leave him be -- so that at least he can go on not feeling like he is inadequate or question his self worth? He is truly amazing, and I want so much to continue on with him and be with him forever. I'm worried he will never forgive me if I tell him, and I also don't want him to feel bad and question himself. what do I do?
--------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
I understand how, and why you've had a deep realization about this relationship, despite not having a shared interest in your love for art. You may have a new admiration for your ex but, please, despite this new insight as to what makes you tick, don't let it cloud certain, reasonable concerns that might hinder a long-term relationship, i.e., marriage. But time will tell on that score, and if you and he make a concerted effort to connect on a deeper emotional level, that would be a key element to success. Now, on to the question. No, I do not think you should tell him about this past relationship. As much as honesty is another core element to a quality relationship, you would be introducing a host of problems that you, and he do not need. Do not look at it as betrayal. If he had done the same, I believe you wouldn't have wanted to know. You weren't together, and that relationship gave you the introspection you needed to sort things out. A common mantra in my advice to others, is to understand that there are some things that can be kept between you, and you! And I think your situation is a prime example. Ditch the guilt, and move forward with him -- and with this new understanding. You weren't together, that brief encounter added to your knowledge base, and you can't change that it happened. To do it any other way, is to invite a painful fissure -- and just at the time you and he need to move forward with a new understanding. Put it out of your mind, or let it "dog" you for a long time to come if you feel the need to share.
I'm 25, and my boyfriend is 28. I had been with my boyfriend for 3 years.We lived together for about 2 and a half years. Everything was great for much of that time despite many hardships. We rarely had any arguments if any. He had a remarkable way of being generally positive all the time. I found it hard to gauge if it was true because he worked a lot, and we never had any earth shattering emotional connection. We were great friends during our relationship and I miss him terribly. I was the one who ended it a few months ago because I felt disconnected from him. Like I needed more, with a date of having to move to a new place looming over our heads I started really considering my future. Financially, I wouldn't be able to afford to go back to school, and his support for my education wasn't there. I felt a lot like either he was very simple or was no longer in love with me. I couldn't imagine making the move and having it be impossible to go to school in September. I moved in with my parents, temporarily, until we could clear up our issues. At this time, he wasn't in contact with me and a friend I had met at work began to take interest in me. It was as if he was a mirror image of me, and he got me very involved in my passion for art and treated me so romantically and kindly like I had never experienced before. I struggled with the fact that I had just ended things with my boyfriend, but also had never felt so in tune with another human being. Since my ex was not calling me, I began to have feelings towards this new friend and he towards me. I became involved with him, and quickly started to see that everything I hated most about myself was a trait of his. It was a fantastic learning experience. But that was all. He had showed me some wonderful things, and helped me get on to my path in the arts and also without knowing it taught me about my flaws. I began to realize how much I truly admired and loved my ex. Although the two of us were so different, we worked as a great couple. I ended my brief relation with my new friend, and tried to speak to my ex. My ex was terribly glad to talk, again, and we both expressed how much we loved one another and are trying to work on our issues of sharing our feelings and emotional connection. The problem is that I feel guilty for having another relationship so soon after our breaking up -- but it helped me a lot to see things clearer. But every time I look at my ex when he visits, or I visit him, I feel so overwhelmed by how honest and kind he is to me and how terribly I feel I betrayed him by falling for someone else while we were apart. I feel like I should tell him. But I know in my heart it would ruin any chance of ever being together again. But I also feel I could never live feeling like I was hiding something from him. I feel like I'd rather live alone, forever, than look into his eyes with guilt. I love him so very much and am conflicted. Do I tell him with the selfish hope he could forgive and we could move on to a possible relationship that has no trust and hurt each other? Or should I just leave him be -- so that at least he can go on not feeling like he is inadequate or question his self worth? He is truly amazing, and I want so much to continue on with him and be with him forever. I'm worried he will never forgive me if I tell him, and I also don't want him to feel bad and question himself. what do I do?
--------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
I understand how, and why you've had a deep realization about this relationship, despite not having a shared interest in your love for art. You may have a new admiration for your ex but, please, despite this new insight as to what makes you tick, don't let it cloud certain, reasonable concerns that might hinder a long-term relationship, i.e., marriage. But time will tell on that score, and if you and he make a concerted effort to connect on a deeper emotional level, that would be a key element to success. Now, on to the question. No, I do not think you should tell him about this past relationship. As much as honesty is another core element to a quality relationship, you would be introducing a host of problems that you, and he do not need. Do not look at it as betrayal. If he had done the same, I believe you wouldn't have wanted to know. You weren't together, and that relationship gave you the introspection you needed to sort things out. A common mantra in my advice to others, is to understand that there are some things that can be kept between you, and you! And I think your situation is a prime example. Ditch the guilt, and move forward with him -- and with this new understanding. You weren't together, that brief encounter added to your knowledge base, and you can't change that it happened. To do it any other way, is to invite a painful fissure -- and just at the time you and he need to move forward with a new understanding. Put it out of your mind, or let it "dog" you for a long time to come if you feel the need to share.
