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Can This Marriage Be Saved?
- By Miss Emily
- Published 04/9/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I have been married for the last 3 years, and I have known my husband for 5 years. We were madly in love with each other till about 10 months back -- and then gradually things started changing between us, primarily because of a female friend of his. Let's call her M. He knows M from couple of years before he met me. They have always been good friends, but M always had a soft corner for my husband. Around April-May 2010, I started noticing that they have been talking a lot on the phone in office, everywhere. The three of us used to work in the same office back then. She would go to his desk 10 times a day, and talk to him laugh and giggle. It started happening so much and so often that people in the office started spreading rumors that they are having an affair. I first spoke to my husband nicely, and politely about it. I told him it disturbs me that he talks so much to her not only in office but also after coming back home. They would spend hours talking on the phone. I told him to maintain a decent distance from her as it is upsetting me. He ignored me completely. After a month, I spoke to M and told her to maintain distance from my husband as I was not comfortable with them getting so close to each other. I had started noticing how touchy my husband had become when it came to M. He wouldn't take one word of disrespect from me for her. After I spoke to M, she assured me that she understands and would maintain distance from my husband. It still didn't change anything. They both ignored me completely, and things started getting from bad to worse. I started spying on my husband. checking his phone bills, messages and emails. He knew I was spying on him after I confronted him with questionable messages that she had sent him. He then started deleting stuff. After about 3 months of my initial confrontation with my husband, and things still not changing one bit, I involved M's husband in this whole thing. M is married for the last 10 years and has 2 kids !!!! My husband is very good friends with M's husband also. M's husband got upset with whatever I told him, including the objectionable messages, and he apparently spoke to her and told her to stay away from my husband. Things were ok for a month but, then, slowly my husband started becoming very very good friends with M's husband and he relaxed letting M start talking to my husband again. Things got so bad that despite hating that b***h, I had to meet up with her at least thrice a week, go to movies with her, go to her house and let her come to mine. Our social life started revolving only around M. M tried to became friends with me too. Once she got drunk and told me that there is nothing going on between her and my husband, contrary to what I think. She said the reason she is so attached to my husband is because he reminds her of her father who died in a road accident 8 years ago. And I believed her then. I relaxed for a while, but still something inside me kept telling me that both my husband and M are manipulating me to continue their affair. About 3 weeks ago, I installed a spy software on my husband's phone to listen to the endless conversations the two of them were having. I found couple of objectionable conversations between them, and 2 days later I found an email on my husband's laptop which was a full blown love email, where she had written things like she wished they could get married, and in her lifetime this will be the only regret that she'll have. She wrote lot of other things as well.. Like "I love you to no end, and I love how possessive and protective you have become about me. Give the situation that's the best I can expect from you".. etc etc When i found this email it drove me to the edge of madness. I broke things in the house, abused my husband, yelled at him, threatened him that I will send that email to everybody in the office and cause public humiliation to both of them. I was so angry at that time, all I wanted was to hurt them and humiliate both of them in public, in front of our families, friends, colleagues .. everyone! I felt betrayed, manipulated, and cheated. I have no words to tell you how I felt. I just remember being insanely angry and out of control. I packed my bags and went to the house of on of my husband's closest friends. I called his parent, and mine, and forwarded that email to them. I also forwarded that email to M's husband, my brother and some of our close common friends in my rage. I wanted to destroy that b***h. Cutting the long story short, things became really ugly. Initially my husband begged and pleaded me to come back, but when he found out that I have forwarded that email to couple of our friends he got agitated. He hates me, now, because I caused public humiliation to him and that I involved our parents into it and embarrassed him in front of everyone. I know what I did was wrong, but I was driven to the edge of madness by him. I had tried everything to make him listen to me. I had begged, pleaded, cried, yelled , got angry. I had tried everything but nothing was working. The two of them just kept ignoring me, and manipulating me into believing that nothing was going on between them -- especially my husband. He says he started getting close to M coz I had become a nagging, spying wife with whom he didn't want to be. But I was not always like that. I became nagging and spying wife because he would lie to me, and I would catch his lies with proof every time. He made me the person whom he didn't want to be with. I think he is not accepting the responsibilities of his actions and making it all about me and my faults. There is this immense rift in our relationship now. I dont know how to make things back to how they were when there was no M in our lives. As of now. the two of them are not talking but, since they work in the same office, I dont know how long they will continue. I don't trust my husband at all now. I have lost respect for him, and I think he has lost trust and respect for me. The only thing that's keeping me in this marriage is the beautiful times that we had together. I still love him immensely. I cannot live without him. And despite all this, I want everything to become normal between us. Please help.
(PS: He is not ready to go for counseling).
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------
It's a shame he's not ready to go to counseling, because that's the only thing, I think, that can repair the marriage -- if it's even possible after all that came down. I don't advocate your response to his behavior, but I certainly understand it. He lied to you, and made a mockery of the marriage. I have no idea why you say you can't live without him because, realistically, it's more than possible that the damage that's been done is irreparable -- as well, I think he can live without you. To regain any trust in this relationship is doubtful, because he refuses to take responsibility for what he did. It is absurd to lay the guilt at your feet for him getting involved with this woman -- and it's also gutless, selfish, and immature. Maybe you won't leave him because you fear that if you did, he would get back with this woman. But you have no assurances that this will not happen if you stay with him. I am sorry, but things don't look good for this marriage to survive after this series of events. Your life's worth cannot be measured by this one man. You may think you love him, but you should get to the bottom of that notion. As far as I'm concerned, he showed a total lack of respect for you and the marriage when you first asked him to cut it off with this co-worker. You were also duped into a relationship with her, and her family by their lies -- and your desperation. Marriage is about commitment, and he's as much told you he wanted none of that where you are concerned. If that's not a good reason to consider divorcing him, I don't know what it would take. I'm sorry, but I can't give you any hope -- especially if counseling is off the table. That said, counseling for you, alone, would be a wise choice.
I have been married for the last 3 years, and I have known my husband for 5 years. We were madly in love with each other till about 10 months back -- and then gradually things started changing between us, primarily because of a female friend of his. Let's call her M. He knows M from couple of years before he met me. They have always been good friends, but M always had a soft corner for my husband. Around April-May 2010, I started noticing that they have been talking a lot on the phone in office, everywhere. The three of us used to work in the same office back then. She would go to his desk 10 times a day, and talk to him laugh and giggle. It started happening so much and so often that people in the office started spreading rumors that they are having an affair. I first spoke to my husband nicely, and politely about it. I told him it disturbs me that he talks so much to her not only in office but also after coming back home. They would spend hours talking on the phone. I told him to maintain a decent distance from her as it is upsetting me. He ignored me completely. After a month, I spoke to M and told her to maintain distance from my husband as I was not comfortable with them getting so close to each other. I had started noticing how touchy my husband had become when it came to M. He wouldn't take one word of disrespect from me for her. After I spoke to M, she assured me that she understands and would maintain distance from my husband. It still didn't change anything. They both ignored me completely, and things started getting from bad to worse. I started spying on my husband. checking his phone bills, messages and emails. He knew I was spying on him after I confronted him with questionable messages that she had sent him. He then started deleting stuff. After about 3 months of my initial confrontation with my husband, and things still not changing one bit, I involved M's husband in this whole thing. M is married for the last 10 years and has 2 kids !!!! My husband is very good friends with M's husband also. M's husband got upset with whatever I told him, including the objectionable messages, and he apparently spoke to her and told her to stay away from my husband. Things were ok for a month but, then, slowly my husband started becoming very very good friends with M's husband and he relaxed letting M start talking to my husband again. Things got so bad that despite hating that b***h, I had to meet up with her at least thrice a week, go to movies with her, go to her house and let her come to mine. Our social life started revolving only around M. M tried to became friends with me too. Once she got drunk and told me that there is nothing going on between her and my husband, contrary to what I think. She said the reason she is so attached to my husband is because he reminds her of her father who died in a road accident 8 years ago. And I believed her then. I relaxed for a while, but still something inside me kept telling me that both my husband and M are manipulating me to continue their affair. About 3 weeks ago, I installed a spy software on my husband's phone to listen to the endless conversations the two of them were having. I found couple of objectionable conversations between them, and 2 days later I found an email on my husband's laptop which was a full blown love email, where she had written things like she wished they could get married, and in her lifetime this will be the only regret that she'll have. She wrote lot of other things as well.. Like "I love you to no end, and I love how possessive and protective you have become about me. Give the situation that's the best I can expect from you".. etc etc When i found this email it drove me to the edge of madness. I broke things in the house, abused my husband, yelled at him, threatened him that I will send that email to everybody in the office and cause public humiliation to both of them. I was so angry at that time, all I wanted was to hurt them and humiliate both of them in public, in front of our families, friends, colleagues .. everyone! I felt betrayed, manipulated, and cheated. I have no words to tell you how I felt. I just remember being insanely angry and out of control. I packed my bags and went to the house of on of my husband's closest friends. I called his parent, and mine, and forwarded that email to them. I also forwarded that email to M's husband, my brother and some of our close common friends in my rage. I wanted to destroy that b***h. Cutting the long story short, things became really ugly. Initially my husband begged and pleaded me to come back, but when he found out that I have forwarded that email to couple of our friends he got agitated. He hates me, now, because I caused public humiliation to him and that I involved our parents into it and embarrassed him in front of everyone. I know what I did was wrong, but I was driven to the edge of madness by him. I had tried everything to make him listen to me. I had begged, pleaded, cried, yelled , got angry. I had tried everything but nothing was working. The two of them just kept ignoring me, and manipulating me into believing that nothing was going on between them -- especially my husband. He says he started getting close to M coz I had become a nagging, spying wife with whom he didn't want to be. But I was not always like that. I became nagging and spying wife because he would lie to me, and I would catch his lies with proof every time. He made me the person whom he didn't want to be with. I think he is not accepting the responsibilities of his actions and making it all about me and my faults. There is this immense rift in our relationship now. I dont know how to make things back to how they were when there was no M in our lives. As of now. the two of them are not talking but, since they work in the same office, I dont know how long they will continue. I don't trust my husband at all now. I have lost respect for him, and I think he has lost trust and respect for me. The only thing that's keeping me in this marriage is the beautiful times that we had together. I still love him immensely. I cannot live without him. And despite all this, I want everything to become normal between us. Please help.
(PS: He is not ready to go for counseling).
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------
It's a shame he's not ready to go to counseling, because that's the only thing, I think, that can repair the marriage -- if it's even possible after all that came down. I don't advocate your response to his behavior, but I certainly understand it. He lied to you, and made a mockery of the marriage. I have no idea why you say you can't live without him because, realistically, it's more than possible that the damage that's been done is irreparable -- as well, I think he can live without you. To regain any trust in this relationship is doubtful, because he refuses to take responsibility for what he did. It is absurd to lay the guilt at your feet for him getting involved with this woman -- and it's also gutless, selfish, and immature. Maybe you won't leave him because you fear that if you did, he would get back with this woman. But you have no assurances that this will not happen if you stay with him. I am sorry, but things don't look good for this marriage to survive after this series of events. Your life's worth cannot be measured by this one man. You may think you love him, but you should get to the bottom of that notion. As far as I'm concerned, he showed a total lack of respect for you and the marriage when you first asked him to cut it off with this co-worker. You were also duped into a relationship with her, and her family by their lies -- and your desperation. Marriage is about commitment, and he's as much told you he wanted none of that where you are concerned. If that's not a good reason to consider divorcing him, I don't know what it would take. I'm sorry, but I can't give you any hope -- especially if counseling is off the table. That said, counseling for you, alone, would be a wise choice.
