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Relationship At Crossroads
- By Miss Emily
- Published 04/7/2011
- Relationships - Women
Hi Emily,
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for over three years. We've had challenges of course, mostly from his lack of interest in sex for the past year because of health problems. However, we're only in our early twenties, and I have fantasies about other men. I suppose my first question is, are we too young for a long-term relationship? Recently, he finally agreed to see a doctor for said health problems, but while he was away for the weekend for his checkup, my roommates (who happen to be my boyfriend's closest friends as well as one's girlfriend) decided to go out. One roommate (my boyfriend's best friend), and I drank far too much and ended up hooking up. We do not have romantic feelings for one another and I am not attracted to him, it was purely a drunken act. This guy is so close to my boyfriend, he's basically my boyfriend's close friend. They do absolutely everything together, and this is an ultimate betrayal. I know he deserves to know about it. The hard part is that they are going to school together, taking the same classes together, and plan on getting a house together. His friend and I have talked it through and he would prefer I didn't say anything. To make things a little worse, our other roommate and his girlfriend have found out about it. I feel disgusted with myself. I feel I am making a fool of my boyfriend, and he's wasting his time with someone who is not deserving. I have expressed my wanting to move out, but because he doesn't know what happened he doesn't understand my reasoning. What do I do? Hurt him even more by telling him the truth, costing both his friendship with our roommate and likely our relationship? Or act as if nothing has happened and just let him enjoy what he has -- a group of friends that love him dearly and a girlfriend who would do absolutely anything for him who has made a terrible mistake?
----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
Let's be frank, he doesn't know you hurt him by sleeping with his friend -- what will hurt him, and you, is for him to find out. Although I'm a huge advocate for keeping the mouth shut when someone has made a huge mistake in this area -- if the individual has no interest in ever repeating the egregious error -- others know about your indiscretion with your boyfriend's good friend, and there lies the rub. Had it just been between you and him, if would be a different story. But let's get to the meat of the matter. I think you love your boyfriend, but the relationship may have run its course. You would feel bad about breaking up with him, but you do him no service by staying out of guilt. You can handle this in a few ways, and none of them are easy. You can say nothing, get real about your relationship with him, and move on with your life -- and maybe without him. You can tell him what happened, he won't forgive you, or his friend and, then, move on with your life without him -- or, you can say nothing, stay with him, hoping that he won't find out about you and his friend, and let this relationship fall apart on it's own steam. I think, at any age, to make a relationship work, there has to be mutual interest, respect, trust, and a firm commitment to each other. I think, alcohol, or not, you wanted the very thing that you haven't really had all that much in the last year -- sex. You have felt deprived, on that score, and it was probably the impetus to do what you did. But all that said, the problems with your boyfriend may go deeper than that and never be resolved. What you did may also be a symptom of a relationship that no longer works for the long-haul. You love him, but sometimes love isn't enough. I can't tell you which avenue to take, but I think I could bet, with some assurance, that any one of them will lead to the same end.
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for over three years. We've had challenges of course, mostly from his lack of interest in sex for the past year because of health problems. However, we're only in our early twenties, and I have fantasies about other men. I suppose my first question is, are we too young for a long-term relationship? Recently, he finally agreed to see a doctor for said health problems, but while he was away for the weekend for his checkup, my roommates (who happen to be my boyfriend's closest friends as well as one's girlfriend) decided to go out. One roommate (my boyfriend's best friend), and I drank far too much and ended up hooking up. We do not have romantic feelings for one another and I am not attracted to him, it was purely a drunken act. This guy is so close to my boyfriend, he's basically my boyfriend's close friend. They do absolutely everything together, and this is an ultimate betrayal. I know he deserves to know about it. The hard part is that they are going to school together, taking the same classes together, and plan on getting a house together. His friend and I have talked it through and he would prefer I didn't say anything. To make things a little worse, our other roommate and his girlfriend have found out about it. I feel disgusted with myself. I feel I am making a fool of my boyfriend, and he's wasting his time with someone who is not deserving. I have expressed my wanting to move out, but because he doesn't know what happened he doesn't understand my reasoning. What do I do? Hurt him even more by telling him the truth, costing both his friendship with our roommate and likely our relationship? Or act as if nothing has happened and just let him enjoy what he has -- a group of friends that love him dearly and a girlfriend who would do absolutely anything for him who has made a terrible mistake?
----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
Let's be frank, he doesn't know you hurt him by sleeping with his friend -- what will hurt him, and you, is for him to find out. Although I'm a huge advocate for keeping the mouth shut when someone has made a huge mistake in this area -- if the individual has no interest in ever repeating the egregious error -- others know about your indiscretion with your boyfriend's good friend, and there lies the rub. Had it just been between you and him, if would be a different story. But let's get to the meat of the matter. I think you love your boyfriend, but the relationship may have run its course. You would feel bad about breaking up with him, but you do him no service by staying out of guilt. You can handle this in a few ways, and none of them are easy. You can say nothing, get real about your relationship with him, and move on with your life -- and maybe without him. You can tell him what happened, he won't forgive you, or his friend and, then, move on with your life without him -- or, you can say nothing, stay with him, hoping that he won't find out about you and his friend, and let this relationship fall apart on it's own steam. I think, at any age, to make a relationship work, there has to be mutual interest, respect, trust, and a firm commitment to each other. I think, alcohol, or not, you wanted the very thing that you haven't really had all that much in the last year -- sex. You have felt deprived, on that score, and it was probably the impetus to do what you did. But all that said, the problems with your boyfriend may go deeper than that and never be resolved. What you did may also be a symptom of a relationship that no longer works for the long-haul. You love him, but sometimes love isn't enough. I can't tell you which avenue to take, but I think I could bet, with some assurance, that any one of them will lead to the same end.
