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Compatibility In Relationships
- By Miss Emily
- Published 03/24/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
When it comes to crucial elements of a relationship like: companionship, understanding the other, making the other feel togetherness, I have had a terrible 2year relationship. I had a hard break up a year ago. I shifted focus on few priorities. Being in a new relationship was the last thing in my mind. However a guy I knew for over a year started liking me and vice versa. Things fell into places and for the past 7 months we are together. For the time I knew him, before I got together with him and also for some months after, we both used to have good conversations and exchange of ideas about diverse topics. I am very fond of discussing world topics/issues. I am a social scientist and currently researching about a topic. I find inspiration from my surroundings and good conversations. My aim is to work on a cause for social development. I maintain distance between my work and personal life. Of late, with this guy, there is hardly anything discussed except for food and suspense series to watch online. He is extremely caring and is always thinking of how to make me feel comfortable. He is thoughtful of minute details and takes care of them to make me 'happy', even if they are not my demands/Requests. He is very loyal and committed. What bothers me is the absence of good conversations. I have tried to encourage a conversation but it is no good. He either shrugs off what I say or just right away acknowledges me. So no further comments and hence no further discussions. This makes me feel highly dissatisfied and incomplete. I am not thinking of breaking up. I want your advice on how to tackle this. I have tried communicating with him about this, while he does appreciate my initiation, there doesn’t seem to be the desired result. For example I went away visiting my family in another country and wrote an email sharing my impressions being back with family and country etc. He just thanked for my email and full stop! At other times he responded with few lines and very crisp answers. This makes me feel like he is doing this without interest and only to please me. Please do advice me on how to tackle this. I have talked with him about this and tried to make him feel its importance. I’ve also expressed my surprise about his fading interest: that just few months ago he was more involved but not anymore. I’m afraid this might be cancerous. Please do advice on this. Thanks very much.
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
Why aren't you considering breaking up with him? You and he are not compatible in ways that count for the long-haul. You are a social scientist. and you are interested in how societies function, and there are myriad topics of conversation to someone who is of like mind. It's who you are, and in-depth conversations are stimulating to you. In the beginning of a relationship, it's common for someone to work hard to keep up an interest in areas that are outside their usual sphere of caring. For example, despite an intellectual equality, a person may show an interest in ballet, or theater to an extent that makes it seem as if he, or she has always had that interest -- and, gee, isn't it wonderful to find such a soul-mate? But, as time goes by, the person falls into his, or her comfort zone -- true personality, if you will, and the initial interest in the arts was nothing more than a dilettante trying to portray himself as an aficionado. If you have taken a look at how you engage in conversation, and it's not overly aggressive, and obnoxious (for lack of a better word), and/or selfish in one-sided pursuits, I am going to assume you are now seeing the man for who he really is, and he's not the man for you. It doesn't matter how nice, and generous he is to you. Again, I don't think you and he are compatible. It's that simple.
When it comes to crucial elements of a relationship like: companionship, understanding the other, making the other feel togetherness, I have had a terrible 2year relationship. I had a hard break up a year ago. I shifted focus on few priorities. Being in a new relationship was the last thing in my mind. However a guy I knew for over a year started liking me and vice versa. Things fell into places and for the past 7 months we are together. For the time I knew him, before I got together with him and also for some months after, we both used to have good conversations and exchange of ideas about diverse topics. I am very fond of discussing world topics/issues. I am a social scientist and currently researching about a topic. I find inspiration from my surroundings and good conversations. My aim is to work on a cause for social development. I maintain distance between my work and personal life. Of late, with this guy, there is hardly anything discussed except for food and suspense series to watch online. He is extremely caring and is always thinking of how to make me feel comfortable. He is thoughtful of minute details and takes care of them to make me 'happy', even if they are not my demands/Requests. He is very loyal and committed. What bothers me is the absence of good conversations. I have tried to encourage a conversation but it is no good. He either shrugs off what I say or just right away acknowledges me. So no further comments and hence no further discussions. This makes me feel highly dissatisfied and incomplete. I am not thinking of breaking up. I want your advice on how to tackle this. I have tried communicating with him about this, while he does appreciate my initiation, there doesn’t seem to be the desired result. For example I went away visiting my family in another country and wrote an email sharing my impressions being back with family and country etc. He just thanked for my email and full stop! At other times he responded with few lines and very crisp answers. This makes me feel like he is doing this without interest and only to please me. Please do advice me on how to tackle this. I have talked with him about this and tried to make him feel its importance. I’ve also expressed my surprise about his fading interest: that just few months ago he was more involved but not anymore. I’m afraid this might be cancerous. Please do advice on this. Thanks very much.
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
Why aren't you considering breaking up with him? You and he are not compatible in ways that count for the long-haul. You are a social scientist. and you are interested in how societies function, and there are myriad topics of conversation to someone who is of like mind. It's who you are, and in-depth conversations are stimulating to you. In the beginning of a relationship, it's common for someone to work hard to keep up an interest in areas that are outside their usual sphere of caring. For example, despite an intellectual equality, a person may show an interest in ballet, or theater to an extent that makes it seem as if he, or she has always had that interest -- and, gee, isn't it wonderful to find such a soul-mate? But, as time goes by, the person falls into his, or her comfort zone -- true personality, if you will, and the initial interest in the arts was nothing more than a dilettante trying to portray himself as an aficionado. If you have taken a look at how you engage in conversation, and it's not overly aggressive, and obnoxious (for lack of a better word), and/or selfish in one-sided pursuits, I am going to assume you are now seeing the man for who he really is, and he's not the man for you. It doesn't matter how nice, and generous he is to you. Again, I don't think you and he are compatible. It's that simple.
