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Boyfriend Kept Son A Secret
- By Miss Emily
- Published 03/22/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months and just yesterday I found out (from his 8 year old son) that he also has an 18 year old son. When I asked him about this he confirmed it and was slightly defensive at first but was apologetic and felt bad about the lie. Apparently, they (he and his son) have a bad relationship and he's sensitive about the subject and doesn't like to talk about it. He claims he wanted to tell me all along and felt bad for keeping this secret but didn't know how to come clean. We've shared so many things I just don't understand why it was so difficult to talk to me about this. I have told him repeatedly; "the only way to eradicate a lie is with the truth". I'm an understanding person and just don't see how he could keep this from me for so long. Right now, I'm at a crossroads. I want to move past this but I'm a firm believer in trust/honesty being the foundation of a relationship. Now how can we rebuild if our foundation has crumbled? I'm so hurt.
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------
I understand your hurt. It was a terrible breach of trust. This is a part of his life you should have known from the onset of the relationship. I can only surmise that he carries a great deal of shame, and guilt over the relationship and that dictated his thinking. Shame, and guilt can often keep people in a detached state-of-mind, with continued rationalization at the core of maintaining the lie. Because he seems to be candid with you in all other respects, I would try desperately to understand his motivation. Of course, only you can decide if this breach is irreparable. I am, ordinarily, not a forgiving person when it comes to lying. It's coercive, selfish and gutless. But there is an emotionally troubled past, here, and one this man wants to run from. By not admitting to it, he's managed to avoid thinking about it. If you can, keep an open-communication with him, now, concerning this matter, and urge him to get help in dealing with this delicate situation. It isn't going to go away by him dancing in and out of denial, and it would be wise for him to face this head on. If he were capable of doing that, I believe it would be possible for you to forgive him and, also, aid him in finding a way to some resolution in his relationship with his son.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months and just yesterday I found out (from his 8 year old son) that he also has an 18 year old son. When I asked him about this he confirmed it and was slightly defensive at first but was apologetic and felt bad about the lie. Apparently, they (he and his son) have a bad relationship and he's sensitive about the subject and doesn't like to talk about it. He claims he wanted to tell me all along and felt bad for keeping this secret but didn't know how to come clean. We've shared so many things I just don't understand why it was so difficult to talk to me about this. I have told him repeatedly; "the only way to eradicate a lie is with the truth". I'm an understanding person and just don't see how he could keep this from me for so long. Right now, I'm at a crossroads. I want to move past this but I'm a firm believer in trust/honesty being the foundation of a relationship. Now how can we rebuild if our foundation has crumbled? I'm so hurt.
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------
I understand your hurt. It was a terrible breach of trust. This is a part of his life you should have known from the onset of the relationship. I can only surmise that he carries a great deal of shame, and guilt over the relationship and that dictated his thinking. Shame, and guilt can often keep people in a detached state-of-mind, with continued rationalization at the core of maintaining the lie. Because he seems to be candid with you in all other respects, I would try desperately to understand his motivation. Of course, only you can decide if this breach is irreparable. I am, ordinarily, not a forgiving person when it comes to lying. It's coercive, selfish and gutless. But there is an emotionally troubled past, here, and one this man wants to run from. By not admitting to it, he's managed to avoid thinking about it. If you can, keep an open-communication with him, now, concerning this matter, and urge him to get help in dealing with this delicate situation. It isn't going to go away by him dancing in and out of denial, and it would be wise for him to face this head on. If he were capable of doing that, I believe it would be possible for you to forgive him and, also, aid him in finding a way to some resolution in his relationship with his son.
