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Boyfriend's Past Penchant For Prostitutes
- By Miss Emily
- Published 03/22/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily,
Firstly, thank you for all the advice that you have been giving. My bf and I have been together for 3 years. He's 35 and I'm 31. At the initial stage of our relationship in year 2008, i found out that he used to find prostitutes to satisfy his sexual desires, and this habit/practice was formed since he was a young adult. It's something his friends do. I was very hurt when I found out about this -- however, I managed to put it aside and overcome it by thinking that "that was his past" and it happened before having me in his life. You see, he never had a gf and I am his first gf in his life. Two days ago, I came to find out that he went to find prostitutes when: 1) he was courting me - we were not officially together yet; but were talking on the phone a lot, and obviously had feelings for each other. 2) on the day after he sent me flowers and asked me to be his gf in 2008 (accompanied by his friend). He said that he has not visited anymore prostitutes and do not seek these kind of services anymore because he loves me. Yes, we do have sexual relationship and he has tested negative for HIV. I know these are all old stories and it happened 3 years ago. My problem is, I can't accept the fact that he actually had the heart to find a prostitute when he was "supposedly" in love with me at that point of time. Although we were not officially a couple yet, we shared feelings and cared deeply about each other. I don't know how I should feel or think or re-act. I don't know what normal people do under such circumstances. Is this called cheating? Am I over-reacting? As I'm typing this, the hair on my hand is standing and I feel sick. Please, drop me a line or two of advice and perspective on this.
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
Unless you've found proof that he is still visiting prostitutes, I think you'll have to let this go -- unless you have never been able to really get over the fact that he did this as a matter of course -- prior to his commitment to you. Apparently, he made a choice between you and his penchant for prostitutes -- deciding to go ahead with a relationship because he thought it was worth it. Rest assured, however, that if you were to break up with him, he'd be back to seeing prostitutes in a New York minute. That's really who he is, and you'd have to fully accept this about him, and his past if this relationship were headed for marriage. I'm not saying he's Charlie Sheen, but a guy who, up until three years ago never had a real girlfriend throughout his 20s and early 30s, and only visited prostitutes, doesn't give you a sense of solid relationship security. That said, he may be different now. I'd have a discussion about this with him, and consider seeking counseling if you can't settle this in your mind to your satisfaction. You don't want to spend more time in this relationship if there's an underlying trust issue, and a disdain for his past.
Firstly, thank you for all the advice that you have been giving. My bf and I have been together for 3 years. He's 35 and I'm 31. At the initial stage of our relationship in year 2008, i found out that he used to find prostitutes to satisfy his sexual desires, and this habit/practice was formed since he was a young adult. It's something his friends do. I was very hurt when I found out about this -- however, I managed to put it aside and overcome it by thinking that "that was his past" and it happened before having me in his life. You see, he never had a gf and I am his first gf in his life. Two days ago, I came to find out that he went to find prostitutes when: 1) he was courting me - we were not officially together yet; but were talking on the phone a lot, and obviously had feelings for each other. 2) on the day after he sent me flowers and asked me to be his gf in 2008 (accompanied by his friend). He said that he has not visited anymore prostitutes and do not seek these kind of services anymore because he loves me. Yes, we do have sexual relationship and he has tested negative for HIV. I know these are all old stories and it happened 3 years ago. My problem is, I can't accept the fact that he actually had the heart to find a prostitute when he was "supposedly" in love with me at that point of time. Although we were not officially a couple yet, we shared feelings and cared deeply about each other. I don't know how I should feel or think or re-act. I don't know what normal people do under such circumstances. Is this called cheating? Am I over-reacting? As I'm typing this, the hair on my hand is standing and I feel sick. Please, drop me a line or two of advice and perspective on this.
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
Unless you've found proof that he is still visiting prostitutes, I think you'll have to let this go -- unless you have never been able to really get over the fact that he did this as a matter of course -- prior to his commitment to you. Apparently, he made a choice between you and his penchant for prostitutes -- deciding to go ahead with a relationship because he thought it was worth it. Rest assured, however, that if you were to break up with him, he'd be back to seeing prostitutes in a New York minute. That's really who he is, and you'd have to fully accept this about him, and his past if this relationship were headed for marriage. I'm not saying he's Charlie Sheen, but a guy who, up until three years ago never had a real girlfriend throughout his 20s and early 30s, and only visited prostitutes, doesn't give you a sense of solid relationship security. That said, he may be different now. I'd have a discussion about this with him, and consider seeking counseling if you can't settle this in your mind to your satisfaction. You don't want to spend more time in this relationship if there's an underlying trust issue, and a disdain for his past.
