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Knowing When To Quit
- By Miss Emily
- Published 03/5/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
So, I've been in a relationship with a guy, 2 years now. The first year was amazing. Sure, we had our disagreements and occasional disputes, but the good moments always overcame the bad. Then, suddenly, I started to notice things going down hill -- things that bothered me about his habits and such, and they started to really frustrate me, annoy me etc. But when things got really bad, we'd TRY to fix them. I guess we did, but in the back of my mind I always felt as if he had his peace of mind, while I made the mistake of just letting it go. The letting things go started to build up inside me. I have become less and less tolerant of his behavior. I get annoyed way to easily...but this is where it gets complicated. I feel as if I'm so used to him in my life, I can't seem to find enough strength to leave. When I have the full intention to argue with him, and actually get somewhere, I look at his eyes, see him look slightly sad and BAM , I'm forgiving him, hugging him, forgetting why I even had to argue in the first place. The worst part is, once, not long ago, I actually acted upon my strongest urges, and ended our relationship. I thought this was it...so did he. He was actually starting the 'i hate you' phase of the breakup when, suddenly, one day he says "If you say you still love me, I'll forget we ever broke up and we can just start again fresh." At the moment, I was very sad, not used to life without him by my side, and i went for it. We got back together. It went well for a few days, and now here I am crazy confused because, once again, I feel like I don't want to be in a relationship, not just because it's him, i don't want a relationship right now at all...i think. But i hold back leaving because i know I'll look horrible doing it, again, a second time. He is an amazing person, and he does have qualities I feel I can't find elsewhere. We have so much fun. He takes care of me, and we taught each other so much during our relationship. I do NOT know what to do. I'm worried I might just be going through some sort of phase. What if I leave, again, and regret it later on? He said it himself, "If you leave, again, that will be the end for sure." I can't afford to make a mistake. He's so stubborn, he'll definitely never talk to me again if i did try to come back....but maybe I am just used to him, maybe I just need freedom. I'm asking for your help because I need a mediator. My friends tell me what I want to hear, his friends defend him, even my mother just manages to confuse me more. Thanks for taking the time to read this long e-mail.
--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
You've spent two years in this relationship and, for a long time now, you've been denying your feelings out of fear that you can't trust them. But why? If this relationship isn't right for the long-haul well, it isn't right for the long-haul! No amount of magical thinking is going to change that. You can't stay out of guilt, or hedging your bets until someone else comes along to make it worth breaking up with him. That's selfish. And it's not wise for him to want to keep you in this relationship out of guilt, or a threat that he won't be around if you want him back. That's a type of coercion, and it's counterproductive. You seem to think this is a phase, but this is not tantamount to liking red paint on your bedroom walls. This relationship has run its course, from my way of thinking, and you should face it. He may be a perfectly charming and lovely guy, but all the elements of what you want in a boyfriend are not there. Of course, no one is perfect, but if some of his traits annoy you, I don't know why you think that's going to go away. He is who he is, and you accept it or have the courage to move on. He's been a constant in your life, for two years, and I see you find comfort in that. But I'd look to the reason why you would want to stay in a relationship more aptly described as the excuse a 70 year-old would use to accept the status quo. You wrote to me for a reason, and now it's time to address the real issue at hand and, like anyone else who's faced with this same situation -- either have the guts to change it, or stay and feel regret.
So, I've been in a relationship with a guy, 2 years now. The first year was amazing. Sure, we had our disagreements and occasional disputes, but the good moments always overcame the bad. Then, suddenly, I started to notice things going down hill -- things that bothered me about his habits and such, and they started to really frustrate me, annoy me etc. But when things got really bad, we'd TRY to fix them. I guess we did, but in the back of my mind I always felt as if he had his peace of mind, while I made the mistake of just letting it go. The letting things go started to build up inside me. I have become less and less tolerant of his behavior. I get annoyed way to easily...but this is where it gets complicated. I feel as if I'm so used to him in my life, I can't seem to find enough strength to leave. When I have the full intention to argue with him, and actually get somewhere, I look at his eyes, see him look slightly sad and BAM , I'm forgiving him, hugging him, forgetting why I even had to argue in the first place. The worst part is, once, not long ago, I actually acted upon my strongest urges, and ended our relationship. I thought this was it...so did he. He was actually starting the 'i hate you' phase of the breakup when, suddenly, one day he says "If you say you still love me, I'll forget we ever broke up and we can just start again fresh." At the moment, I was very sad, not used to life without him by my side, and i went for it. We got back together. It went well for a few days, and now here I am crazy confused because, once again, I feel like I don't want to be in a relationship, not just because it's him, i don't want a relationship right now at all...i think. But i hold back leaving because i know I'll look horrible doing it, again, a second time. He is an amazing person, and he does have qualities I feel I can't find elsewhere. We have so much fun. He takes care of me, and we taught each other so much during our relationship. I do NOT know what to do. I'm worried I might just be going through some sort of phase. What if I leave, again, and regret it later on? He said it himself, "If you leave, again, that will be the end for sure." I can't afford to make a mistake. He's so stubborn, he'll definitely never talk to me again if i did try to come back....but maybe I am just used to him, maybe I just need freedom. I'm asking for your help because I need a mediator. My friends tell me what I want to hear, his friends defend him, even my mother just manages to confuse me more. Thanks for taking the time to read this long e-mail.
--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
You've spent two years in this relationship and, for a long time now, you've been denying your feelings out of fear that you can't trust them. But why? If this relationship isn't right for the long-haul well, it isn't right for the long-haul! No amount of magical thinking is going to change that. You can't stay out of guilt, or hedging your bets until someone else comes along to make it worth breaking up with him. That's selfish. And it's not wise for him to want to keep you in this relationship out of guilt, or a threat that he won't be around if you want him back. That's a type of coercion, and it's counterproductive. You seem to think this is a phase, but this is not tantamount to liking red paint on your bedroom walls. This relationship has run its course, from my way of thinking, and you should face it. He may be a perfectly charming and lovely guy, but all the elements of what you want in a boyfriend are not there. Of course, no one is perfect, but if some of his traits annoy you, I don't know why you think that's going to go away. He is who he is, and you accept it or have the courage to move on. He's been a constant in your life, for two years, and I see you find comfort in that. But I'd look to the reason why you would want to stay in a relationship more aptly described as the excuse a 70 year-old would use to accept the status quo. You wrote to me for a reason, and now it's time to address the real issue at hand and, like anyone else who's faced with this same situation -- either have the guts to change it, or stay and feel regret.
