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Another Commitment Phobe?
- By Miss Emily
- Published 03/1/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
Hello. Last May I met a man at work and became very good friends with him. We had so much in common and did almost everything together. We became very close although we never reached a dating/relationship stage. After about 6 months, however, he just kind of disappeared. He stopped texting me, calling me and even talking to me at work. Naturally I was hurt because about 2 months before I realized that this was the man I was deeply in love with and wanted to spend forever with. I hadn't really said anything to him though because he had made it very clear that he was not looking for a relationship and I'm willing to wait for him. I spent months trying to get him to speak to me and finally convinced him. What he told me was that he felt like our friendship was starting to turn into a relationship and he didn't want that. He also told me that he doesn't want to bring someone into his 2 year old daughters life that he isn't sure of. I've been told my his friends that he feels like being in a relationship would take away from his daughter and that he feels like he only has room in his heart for her. Right now we seem to be OK. We're back on speaking terms, and I've been very clear that I love him and he didn't run from that. So I guess my question for you is, from the very little information I've given you, do you think a relationship between us impossible? I need to stress that I LOVE his little girl and her and I get along fabulously. What can I do to show him that I'm not going to hurt him like he's been hurt in the past? I love this man with all my heart and I want to be there for him, but he just won't let me in. When we're along I can feel so much love between us... I just don't know what to do. I really need help. Thanks a lot.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------
The way he handled his disengagement of you, last year, was inexcusable, in my book -- knowing that you and he were so close. To leave you to twist-in-the-wind does not speak well of him. And although you and he seem to be on better footing, these days, I don't think he's likely to budge from his present position anytime within something reasonable to you. I am sure he enjoys your companionship -- but I think if you were to walk away, he would be fine with that, as well. And why I think that would be true, is by the way he treated you in the past. You may love him, but he can't give you what you want. I would, if I were you, set some time-frame as to how long you can put up with the relationship as it is now. Of course, by doing that, you only stand to get more firmly entrenched in his life, with his daughter, and be more hopeful that he will turn this around and give you what you seek. But that's really "iffy" and, somehow, I don't think you're the woman who's going to do that. If you were, I think he would have handled this in a different manner. To use the excuse that he's been hurt in the past is simply not good enough. He knows you. He is aware you are a quality person with integrity. But even if that were true, and he can't separate past hurt and you (and integrate a girlfriend into the relationship with his daughter) that presents an exhausting challenge you may not win. That, my dear, leaves it up to you on how much you can take if there is no positive movement forward in this relationship -- unless, of course, he pulls another disappearing act.
Hello. Last May I met a man at work and became very good friends with him. We had so much in common and did almost everything together. We became very close although we never reached a dating/relationship stage. After about 6 months, however, he just kind of disappeared. He stopped texting me, calling me and even talking to me at work. Naturally I was hurt because about 2 months before I realized that this was the man I was deeply in love with and wanted to spend forever with. I hadn't really said anything to him though because he had made it very clear that he was not looking for a relationship and I'm willing to wait for him. I spent months trying to get him to speak to me and finally convinced him. What he told me was that he felt like our friendship was starting to turn into a relationship and he didn't want that. He also told me that he doesn't want to bring someone into his 2 year old daughters life that he isn't sure of. I've been told my his friends that he feels like being in a relationship would take away from his daughter and that he feels like he only has room in his heart for her. Right now we seem to be OK. We're back on speaking terms, and I've been very clear that I love him and he didn't run from that. So I guess my question for you is, from the very little information I've given you, do you think a relationship between us impossible? I need to stress that I LOVE his little girl and her and I get along fabulously. What can I do to show him that I'm not going to hurt him like he's been hurt in the past? I love this man with all my heart and I want to be there for him, but he just won't let me in. When we're along I can feel so much love between us... I just don't know what to do. I really need help. Thanks a lot.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------
The way he handled his disengagement of you, last year, was inexcusable, in my book -- knowing that you and he were so close. To leave you to twist-in-the-wind does not speak well of him. And although you and he seem to be on better footing, these days, I don't think he's likely to budge from his present position anytime within something reasonable to you. I am sure he enjoys your companionship -- but I think if you were to walk away, he would be fine with that, as well. And why I think that would be true, is by the way he treated you in the past. You may love him, but he can't give you what you want. I would, if I were you, set some time-frame as to how long you can put up with the relationship as it is now. Of course, by doing that, you only stand to get more firmly entrenched in his life, with his daughter, and be more hopeful that he will turn this around and give you what you seek. But that's really "iffy" and, somehow, I don't think you're the woman who's going to do that. If you were, I think he would have handled this in a different manner. To use the excuse that he's been hurt in the past is simply not good enough. He knows you. He is aware you are a quality person with integrity. But even if that were true, and he can't separate past hurt and you (and integrate a girlfriend into the relationship with his daughter) that presents an exhausting challenge you may not win. That, my dear, leaves it up to you on how much you can take if there is no positive movement forward in this relationship -- unless, of course, he pulls another disappearing act.
