- Home
- Relationships - Women
- Misplaced Devotion To Best Friend?
Misplaced Devotion To Best Friend?
- By Miss Emily
- Published 02/27/2011
- Relationships - Women
Miss Emily,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. We are both 21 years old, and soon to be graduating college. My boyfriend has a best friend that he is inseparable with. He cannot go more than 2 days without seeing him or talking. We've been fighting recently because he says I am jealous of his friend. And truth.. I kind of am, because I feel like I am his significant other (and we do plan on getting married soon). I should get his whole heart not just 50%. And when I brought that point it up, he said I was selfish because they are best friends, almost like brothers. Is this normal? What should I do? Should I just end it now because I am afraid when we get married, I will always be the other person in his life, not the only person? I think having a best friend is wonderful, and I do love my best friend, but I would NEVER put her before the man I love! Am I crazy? Oh, I need advice!!
----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------
No, of course you're not crazy. I, too, would not want to compete with his best friend. If you were to marry him, this would only complicate matters when you wanted a full commitment to family. There is nothing wrong, as you say, with having a best friend and a loyalty to that person -- but not when it supersedes all else. His statement that he will never be able to completely give his whole heart and self to you, is a huge red flag. Perhaps it's his age, and a desire to express a fierce independence, but those are pretty strong words. The unfortunate part is that if you were to break up with him on this issue, he simply won't get it. He will contend that you are selfish, and jealous when all you want is for him to be committed to you in a way you'd expect a future husband to commit. Bottom line, however: That conclusion on his part cannot be the deciding factor on accepting his stance. He isn't ready for marriage, not with this attitude, and I would ask him to get to couples counseling to help figure this out. He may, or may not go, and it could make no difference when the counselor tells him that this kind of devotion to his friend leaves little room for a future wife to feel number one. You're seeing a side of him that perhaps, in the past, you've chosen to ignore, but to ignore it, now, would be at your peril. Fifty of marriages end in divorce. Try to avoid being a statistic if you can help it.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. We are both 21 years old, and soon to be graduating college. My boyfriend has a best friend that he is inseparable with. He cannot go more than 2 days without seeing him or talking. We've been fighting recently because he says I am jealous of his friend. And truth.. I kind of am, because I feel like I am his significant other (and we do plan on getting married soon). I should get his whole heart not just 50%. And when I brought that point it up, he said I was selfish because they are best friends, almost like brothers. Is this normal? What should I do? Should I just end it now because I am afraid when we get married, I will always be the other person in his life, not the only person? I think having a best friend is wonderful, and I do love my best friend, but I would NEVER put her before the man I love! Am I crazy? Oh, I need advice!!
----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------
No, of course you're not crazy. I, too, would not want to compete with his best friend. If you were to marry him, this would only complicate matters when you wanted a full commitment to family. There is nothing wrong, as you say, with having a best friend and a loyalty to that person -- but not when it supersedes all else. His statement that he will never be able to completely give his whole heart and self to you, is a huge red flag. Perhaps it's his age, and a desire to express a fierce independence, but those are pretty strong words. The unfortunate part is that if you were to break up with him on this issue, he simply won't get it. He will contend that you are selfish, and jealous when all you want is for him to be committed to you in a way you'd expect a future husband to commit. Bottom line, however: That conclusion on his part cannot be the deciding factor on accepting his stance. He isn't ready for marriage, not with this attitude, and I would ask him to get to couples counseling to help figure this out. He may, or may not go, and it could make no difference when the counselor tells him that this kind of devotion to his friend leaves little room for a future wife to feel number one. You're seeing a side of him that perhaps, in the past, you've chosen to ignore, but to ignore it, now, would be at your peril. Fifty of marriages end in divorce. Try to avoid being a statistic if you can help it.
