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Two Guys Struggle With Long-term Relationship
- By Miss Emily
- Published 02/17/2011
- Relationships - Men
Dear Miss Emily:
My boyfriend of 7 years split up with me after 2 weeks of reflecting. I said we need to talk about moving in together. He came back 2 weeks later very upset and split up with me. We are in love and are very kind and good to each other. We got a little lost in the past couple of years, but I've tried to move our relationship forward and he has gotten stuck. It has gotten to me and I've drifted for a while. I've realised this and am willing to work at our relationship. My boyfriend feels we are not good for each other. He feels he brings me down and I don't help bring him out of himself. This has been true to a certain point, but I've seen that and understand why it's happened and how to move forward. He seems so negative about our faults, which I believe are very fixable. I'm devastated, and so is he. I said we need to give it more time, but he is adamant we aren't right. He wants us to be friends, but I'm at a complete loss and very confused. I feel we needed to give things more time. He suffers with depression and can get very stuck on negative thoughts. What should I do? He is the best in the world, and we were so close. Can you please give me some advice?
--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------
I'm not sure why you are expected to bring him out of himself. I think he needs to take a look at that on his own. You didn't mention if his depression is being treated but, if not, it should be. When someone is depressed, he or she sees no hope -- and perhaps that's the reason why he is giving up on the relationship. But it's also possible he wants to move on because he thinks he can find what he's looking for in another relationship. Seven years is a long to to be together without living together, or making a firmer commitment than what you ended up having as a couple. You can't force him to feel differently than he does, now, but maybe some space and you being a support system is all you can do. No pressure, no wanting him to recommit, but support him in his effort to find himself. To repeat, only he can do that. You may think you have figured out what went wrong but, after seven years together, it may very well be that there are differences you and he cannot settle. Sometimes love isn't enough. Giving him time to work this out is the best plan. Patience is warranted.
My boyfriend of 7 years split up with me after 2 weeks of reflecting. I said we need to talk about moving in together. He came back 2 weeks later very upset and split up with me. We are in love and are very kind and good to each other. We got a little lost in the past couple of years, but I've tried to move our relationship forward and he has gotten stuck. It has gotten to me and I've drifted for a while. I've realised this and am willing to work at our relationship. My boyfriend feels we are not good for each other. He feels he brings me down and I don't help bring him out of himself. This has been true to a certain point, but I've seen that and understand why it's happened and how to move forward. He seems so negative about our faults, which I believe are very fixable. I'm devastated, and so is he. I said we need to give it more time, but he is adamant we aren't right. He wants us to be friends, but I'm at a complete loss and very confused. I feel we needed to give things more time. He suffers with depression and can get very stuck on negative thoughts. What should I do? He is the best in the world, and we were so close. Can you please give me some advice?
--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------
I'm not sure why you are expected to bring him out of himself. I think he needs to take a look at that on his own. You didn't mention if his depression is being treated but, if not, it should be. When someone is depressed, he or she sees no hope -- and perhaps that's the reason why he is giving up on the relationship. But it's also possible he wants to move on because he thinks he can find what he's looking for in another relationship. Seven years is a long to to be together without living together, or making a firmer commitment than what you ended up having as a couple. You can't force him to feel differently than he does, now, but maybe some space and you being a support system is all you can do. No pressure, no wanting him to recommit, but support him in his effort to find himself. To repeat, only he can do that. You may think you have figured out what went wrong but, after seven years together, it may very well be that there are differences you and he cannot settle. Sometimes love isn't enough. Giving him time to work this out is the best plan. Patience is warranted.
