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Shaky Rebound Relationship
- By Miss Emily
- Published 02/6/2011
- Relationships - Women
Hello, Emily
I was just writing to ask you some relationship advice. I've recently broken up with my long-term boyfriend of three years. Things just weren't working out and it was quite a damaging relationship for both of us. He was also my first love. We moved into a student flat together a few months before we split up, and we are still living together now just because it is more convenient for both of us. But it has been so difficult. Even though I broke it off with him, I still find it very difficult to move on from him. However, as a way of attempting to move on from him, someone else caught my eye and he offered to take me out for a date. Possibly I jumped the chance a bit too soon after the break up but I ended up having a lot of fun and he made me so happy. He took my mind off things so much and I cared for him a great deal. I told him from the very beginning that I didn't want anything serious as I'd just come out of a long term relationship and I thought he understood that. But after two months, I decided that things weren't working out and that it would be best for us to call it off. Quite early on he said that he loved me which scared me a bit but it felt nice. Unfortunately, I didn't feel the same for him, but I did care for him a lot. Now, after I told him I didn't want to carry on the relationship he's completely ignoring me and saying quite hurtful things. I don't understand how he could change so suddenly. I've tried being friends with him. Now I just feel completely alone and depressed. I've tried being nice to everyone but I get it thrown back in my face. I feel like giving up:( and would like some advice on how to deal with this please.
----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------------
Your problem is not unlike many people who are honest with others, yet there are those who can't accept it. This new guy fell too hard, too early -- was perhaps a bit needy, and that's a red flag in my book. Maybe you filled a void in him, but one that only he can truly fill. I am sure you did have great fun with him, but you really got to know who he was by the way he handled your rather polite, but honest decision you made to call it off. His vitriol was an example of him feeling victimized (he wasn't), his lack of maturity, and fragile ego. But what could you have done, stay with him out of pity, or because you are supposed to unpack his baggage that was packed prior to meeting him? No. You have no desire to enable, nor be in a co-dependent relationship -- if that's where it was headed. What you must do is consider the source, and don't internalize this as something for which you are to blame. Consider yourself lucky to have seen this when you did, rather than get hooked into another troubled relationship. What you need to do is regroup, eventually find a way to get your own place and put the past behind you. I know you feel down, but consider the alternative. This too shall pass.
I was just writing to ask you some relationship advice. I've recently broken up with my long-term boyfriend of three years. Things just weren't working out and it was quite a damaging relationship for both of us. He was also my first love. We moved into a student flat together a few months before we split up, and we are still living together now just because it is more convenient for both of us. But it has been so difficult. Even though I broke it off with him, I still find it very difficult to move on from him. However, as a way of attempting to move on from him, someone else caught my eye and he offered to take me out for a date. Possibly I jumped the chance a bit too soon after the break up but I ended up having a lot of fun and he made me so happy. He took my mind off things so much and I cared for him a great deal. I told him from the very beginning that I didn't want anything serious as I'd just come out of a long term relationship and I thought he understood that. But after two months, I decided that things weren't working out and that it would be best for us to call it off. Quite early on he said that he loved me which scared me a bit but it felt nice. Unfortunately, I didn't feel the same for him, but I did care for him a lot. Now, after I told him I didn't want to carry on the relationship he's completely ignoring me and saying quite hurtful things. I don't understand how he could change so suddenly. I've tried being friends with him. Now I just feel completely alone and depressed. I've tried being nice to everyone but I get it thrown back in my face. I feel like giving up:( and would like some advice on how to deal with this please.
----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------------
Your problem is not unlike many people who are honest with others, yet there are those who can't accept it. This new guy fell too hard, too early -- was perhaps a bit needy, and that's a red flag in my book. Maybe you filled a void in him, but one that only he can truly fill. I am sure you did have great fun with him, but you really got to know who he was by the way he handled your rather polite, but honest decision you made to call it off. His vitriol was an example of him feeling victimized (he wasn't), his lack of maturity, and fragile ego. But what could you have done, stay with him out of pity, or because you are supposed to unpack his baggage that was packed prior to meeting him? No. You have no desire to enable, nor be in a co-dependent relationship -- if that's where it was headed. What you must do is consider the source, and don't internalize this as something for which you are to blame. Consider yourself lucky to have seen this when you did, rather than get hooked into another troubled relationship. What you need to do is regroup, eventually find a way to get your own place and put the past behind you. I know you feel down, but consider the alternative. This too shall pass.
