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When To Zip It
- By Miss Emily
- Published 01/31/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I got myself into a horrible mess...I have a gay best friend whom I share everything with...I also have a caring, understanding fiance who I'm absolutely in love with...and, unfortunately, I share everything with him too. Well, one day, I was chatting with both at the same time, and my gay best friend sent me a picture of his ex boyfriend's new boyfriend. Since I was looking at the pictures, my typing was rather slow, so my fiance asked me what's wrong, and I told him my gay best friend was showing me pictures of his ex's new fella. For some reason, and like the idiot that I am, I asked him if he wanted to see the pictures...and he agreed...after which he freaked out and told me the guy in the pictures was his cousin.
My fiance is a homo-phobe -- just being in the room with another gay man terrifies him. Now it's all my fault because now he knows his cousin is gay. So I told my gay best friend, and he got super angry with me. He told me he can't trust me with anything, anymore, and that we must deny that his cousin is gay and claim that it was all a misunderstanding. He said that in our society, guys get KICKED OUT OF THEIR HOMES for being gay and that such information is not up to us to spread around. If the cousin WANTED my fiance to know he was gay, he should be the one to tell him, not us! It gets worse...my fiance was always terrified that his brother might be gay too...he saw all the signs...and in interrogating my gay best friend about my fiance's gay cousin, I also discovered his brother was gay, too.
So, yes, my fiance's brother and cousin are both gay...and he's a severe homophobe...and does NOT respect the gays. What's worse is that my gay best friend is threatening me. He told me I have NO right to tell my fiance about his cousin and brother being gay...and that the consequences would be huge...especially in our society. And if I do so against his warning, he will stop being my friend. The reason this is crushing my soul is because I don't lie to my fiance -- we share everything...and now I have to keep this horrible secret from him. I know his brother and cousin are gay, but I am not supposed to tell him. I like a murderer. Please tell me what to do. I considered telling my fiance...telling him his cousin IS gay...and his brother has a bf...and then I'd BEG him to keep quiet and act like he doesn't know. My best friend already feels hurt and betrayed. I can't talk to anyone about this but you. Please tell me what to do...my closest friendship...and relationship are hanging by a thread...should I tell my fiance his brother and cousin are gay? Or should I take this secret with me to the grave? I can't lie to my fiance.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------
I got the impression that by showing the pictures of your friend's ex's new boyfriend, your fiance has already been alerted that he has a gay cousin -- but I would keep my mouth shut, period, from here on out. The fact his cousin and, maybe, his brother are gay is none of your business. It's not a horrible secret, as you stated. That said, I don't think you meant to betray anyone by showing that picture. It only proves an outrageous coincidence, or a gay population that seems to be growing by leaps and bounds! If his brother wants him to know, he''ll tell him -- but you not telling your fiance means you have the good sense to use discretion on matters that are not your story to tell. I would reassure my best friend that when he tells you something in confidence, it won't get told to your fiance. If you can't do that, cut off all friendships because you can't be trusted. You seem to have no problem with homosexuality, and I do hope your fiance doesn't expect you to get rid of your gay friend after the wedding. I would work this out before walking down the isle with a man who is homophobic -- and might pressure you to slam the closet door on your friend. Emily
I got myself into a horrible mess...I have a gay best friend whom I share everything with...I also have a caring, understanding fiance who I'm absolutely in love with...and, unfortunately, I share everything with him too. Well, one day, I was chatting with both at the same time, and my gay best friend sent me a picture of his ex boyfriend's new boyfriend. Since I was looking at the pictures, my typing was rather slow, so my fiance asked me what's wrong, and I told him my gay best friend was showing me pictures of his ex's new fella. For some reason, and like the idiot that I am, I asked him if he wanted to see the pictures...and he agreed...after which he freaked out and told me the guy in the pictures was his cousin.
My fiance is a homo-phobe -- just being in the room with another gay man terrifies him. Now it's all my fault because now he knows his cousin is gay. So I told my gay best friend, and he got super angry with me. He told me he can't trust me with anything, anymore, and that we must deny that his cousin is gay and claim that it was all a misunderstanding. He said that in our society, guys get KICKED OUT OF THEIR HOMES for being gay and that such information is not up to us to spread around. If the cousin WANTED my fiance to know he was gay, he should be the one to tell him, not us! It gets worse...my fiance was always terrified that his brother might be gay too...he saw all the signs...and in interrogating my gay best friend about my fiance's gay cousin, I also discovered his brother was gay, too.
So, yes, my fiance's brother and cousin are both gay...and he's a severe homophobe...and does NOT respect the gays. What's worse is that my gay best friend is threatening me. He told me I have NO right to tell my fiance about his cousin and brother being gay...and that the consequences would be huge...especially in our society. And if I do so against his warning, he will stop being my friend. The reason this is crushing my soul is because I don't lie to my fiance -- we share everything...and now I have to keep this horrible secret from him. I know his brother and cousin are gay, but I am not supposed to tell him. I like a murderer. Please tell me what to do. I considered telling my fiance...telling him his cousin IS gay...and his brother has a bf...and then I'd BEG him to keep quiet and act like he doesn't know. My best friend already feels hurt and betrayed. I can't talk to anyone about this but you. Please tell me what to do...my closest friendship...and relationship are hanging by a thread...should I tell my fiance his brother and cousin are gay? Or should I take this secret with me to the grave? I can't lie to my fiance.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------
I got the impression that by showing the pictures of your friend's ex's new boyfriend, your fiance has already been alerted that he has a gay cousin -- but I would keep my mouth shut, period, from here on out. The fact his cousin and, maybe, his brother are gay is none of your business. It's not a horrible secret, as you stated. That said, I don't think you meant to betray anyone by showing that picture. It only proves an outrageous coincidence, or a gay population that seems to be growing by leaps and bounds! If his brother wants him to know, he''ll tell him -- but you not telling your fiance means you have the good sense to use discretion on matters that are not your story to tell. I would reassure my best friend that when he tells you something in confidence, it won't get told to your fiance. If you can't do that, cut off all friendships because you can't be trusted. You seem to have no problem with homosexuality, and I do hope your fiance doesn't expect you to get rid of your gay friend after the wedding. I would work this out before walking down the isle with a man who is homophobic -- and might pressure you to slam the closet door on your friend. Emily
