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10 Year Relationship Crossroads
- By Miss Emily
- Published 01/21/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I have to say I really hope I could find some advice here. First of all, I have to say it is impossible for me to write out my whole problem here because it is too long -- but it deals with my relationship of almost 10 years. Well here it goes. We met young, I was 16 he was 21 now we are 26, 31 and we had our really good moments, and really bad moments. We were engaged and had wedding plans and all but it all went down hill 2 years ago with a nasty breakup we had due to infidelity from both parts. Well, a few months passed and we got back together forgiving each other and ready for a new start. It seems like my BF hasn't started, however. I have done all from my end to be the best girl, better than before. I am not going to lie, yes, I know I may have been controlling at times and doubted him a lot due to the past, but I have learned to calm that down. I changed so much because I realized part of our past issues were due to immaturity from his and my end. I noticed my issues and changed, became more affectionate, more understanding and, best of all, no more nasty fights. Now after all this, he has told me he doesn't want to be in this relationship. It's been a few months he was on and off -- then, last October, he was the BEST ever for about 3 weeks. I thought that was it, we were finally happy, again, until all of a sudden he changed for no reason. Yes he tells me he is stressed bc he was laid off, and it is a bit hard for him to get one as he stutters and cannot communicate as clearly as others. However, this defect has never pushed me away from him -- but I do realize it has affected his career and life; although this is not something we talk about as we don't mention his stuttering as a possible issue for not finding a job. Well, with that said, he also has a problem with his masters. He thought he was almost done, only to find out he needs to repeat 5 courses bc his GPA is low. This has hit him hard, as he now feels he can't finish after investing so much in it. He tells me he doesn't feel the same anymore about us, and that his mind is not well because he is depressed about school and not finding a job. So, here is my problem. I am TOTALLY in love with this man. I have become so depressed because we were so so close. We did everything together, although we never lived together. We will always be together and he was so loving and sweet. I miss him so much, and I cannot believe a person could change that much. I feel stuck because I do not know what to believe, or what to do, I just feel lost. I ask myself, is this only a temporary feeling he has due to his career failure as he sees it and school? Or is the underlying reason that he simply doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me at all? I ask him which one is it and his answer is, he doesn't know anything anymore. It's not that he doesn't love me at all, he does, but not the way it should be. I feel sometimes his love is all gone as he doesn't even look for me, and it's been 3 months already. He simply texts me once in a while saying hi. Now I feel so confused and don't know if I am lying to myself, or if I am being a harsh person. I really do not know what to do. I definitely never wanted to lose him, and I feel I am. But then I just don't know. Is this due to his depression and lack of self satisfaction in life, or is it just us, the relationship? I really wish I could get him back. Any advice?
--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
I think it's a combination of both. His confusion comes from the fact he feels like a failure, and his relationship with you is only a reminder of his shortcomings (and yours), with a 10 year history of bad moments that have surfaced during his mental state of flux, depression and frustration. You did your best to change, and kudos to you for being able to right some of the wrongs that made this relationship less than it could have been if you had known then, what you know now. His whole life is at a crossroads -- no job, feeling despondent over the news his master's degree has to be delayed -- and his anxiety over it. His depression, however, needs to be addressed in a serious way. He should to seek the care of a doctor - perhaps get on an anti-depressant, and go from there. He is stuck, he has little to give you, emotionally, and he knows it. Depression is a lonely place to be. But in his mind, he feels some sense of relief in not having to worry about trying to make things work with you. It's too much for him in his present state-of-mind. I know you love him, and surely he loves you. But the best thing you can do, now, is to remind him that you will help him in any way you can -- not as a lover, but a friend. A friend who desperately cares about his well being. That said, if he's not willing to get the help he needs, there is nothing you can do to force it. Hopefully, he is taking this time to work things out -- but you don't know that unless he's willing to open up. Again, continue to let him know you are willing to be the friend he needs -- no strings attached. It would be wise for you to start thinking about life without him, despite the tremendous emotional heartache. Life is a tough sell sometimes. I see so many people suffering. The economy is still sputtering, and people wonder -- what's it all about? The answers are so often out of reach -- elusive. Do your best to stay strong. If you allow this to consume your every waking moment, you will feel as stuck as he, and nothing will change in either of your lives. I hope this works out for you and him. You've been through so much together -- weathered so many storms. But this is a crucial time in both your lives, and each of you need to find answers. If not together, separately. There's no easy way to do it, but you must face the fact that this is where he is, presently, you'll do your best to help -- while starting to find a new path to your future. It's a bitter pill for you, but you're 26, not 76, and life holds some promise if you're willing to admit it.
I have to say I really hope I could find some advice here. First of all, I have to say it is impossible for me to write out my whole problem here because it is too long -- but it deals with my relationship of almost 10 years. Well here it goes. We met young, I was 16 he was 21 now we are 26, 31 and we had our really good moments, and really bad moments. We were engaged and had wedding plans and all but it all went down hill 2 years ago with a nasty breakup we had due to infidelity from both parts. Well, a few months passed and we got back together forgiving each other and ready for a new start. It seems like my BF hasn't started, however. I have done all from my end to be the best girl, better than before. I am not going to lie, yes, I know I may have been controlling at times and doubted him a lot due to the past, but I have learned to calm that down. I changed so much because I realized part of our past issues were due to immaturity from his and my end. I noticed my issues and changed, became more affectionate, more understanding and, best of all, no more nasty fights. Now after all this, he has told me he doesn't want to be in this relationship. It's been a few months he was on and off -- then, last October, he was the BEST ever for about 3 weeks. I thought that was it, we were finally happy, again, until all of a sudden he changed for no reason. Yes he tells me he is stressed bc he was laid off, and it is a bit hard for him to get one as he stutters and cannot communicate as clearly as others. However, this defect has never pushed me away from him -- but I do realize it has affected his career and life; although this is not something we talk about as we don't mention his stuttering as a possible issue for not finding a job. Well, with that said, he also has a problem with his masters. He thought he was almost done, only to find out he needs to repeat 5 courses bc his GPA is low. This has hit him hard, as he now feels he can't finish after investing so much in it. He tells me he doesn't feel the same anymore about us, and that his mind is not well because he is depressed about school and not finding a job. So, here is my problem. I am TOTALLY in love with this man. I have become so depressed because we were so so close. We did everything together, although we never lived together. We will always be together and he was so loving and sweet. I miss him so much, and I cannot believe a person could change that much. I feel stuck because I do not know what to believe, or what to do, I just feel lost. I ask myself, is this only a temporary feeling he has due to his career failure as he sees it and school? Or is the underlying reason that he simply doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me at all? I ask him which one is it and his answer is, he doesn't know anything anymore. It's not that he doesn't love me at all, he does, but not the way it should be. I feel sometimes his love is all gone as he doesn't even look for me, and it's been 3 months already. He simply texts me once in a while saying hi. Now I feel so confused and don't know if I am lying to myself, or if I am being a harsh person. I really do not know what to do. I definitely never wanted to lose him, and I feel I am. But then I just don't know. Is this due to his depression and lack of self satisfaction in life, or is it just us, the relationship? I really wish I could get him back. Any advice?
--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
I think it's a combination of both. His confusion comes from the fact he feels like a failure, and his relationship with you is only a reminder of his shortcomings (and yours), with a 10 year history of bad moments that have surfaced during his mental state of flux, depression and frustration. You did your best to change, and kudos to you for being able to right some of the wrongs that made this relationship less than it could have been if you had known then, what you know now. His whole life is at a crossroads -- no job, feeling despondent over the news his master's degree has to be delayed -- and his anxiety over it. His depression, however, needs to be addressed in a serious way. He should to seek the care of a doctor - perhaps get on an anti-depressant, and go from there. He is stuck, he has little to give you, emotionally, and he knows it. Depression is a lonely place to be. But in his mind, he feels some sense of relief in not having to worry about trying to make things work with you. It's too much for him in his present state-of-mind. I know you love him, and surely he loves you. But the best thing you can do, now, is to remind him that you will help him in any way you can -- not as a lover, but a friend. A friend who desperately cares about his well being. That said, if he's not willing to get the help he needs, there is nothing you can do to force it. Hopefully, he is taking this time to work things out -- but you don't know that unless he's willing to open up. Again, continue to let him know you are willing to be the friend he needs -- no strings attached. It would be wise for you to start thinking about life without him, despite the tremendous emotional heartache. Life is a tough sell sometimes. I see so many people suffering. The economy is still sputtering, and people wonder -- what's it all about? The answers are so often out of reach -- elusive. Do your best to stay strong. If you allow this to consume your every waking moment, you will feel as stuck as he, and nothing will change in either of your lives. I hope this works out for you and him. You've been through so much together -- weathered so many storms. But this is a crucial time in both your lives, and each of you need to find answers. If not together, separately. There's no easy way to do it, but you must face the fact that this is where he is, presently, you'll do your best to help -- while starting to find a new path to your future. It's a bitter pill for you, but you're 26, not 76, and life holds some promise if you're willing to admit it.
