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- Mother's Are Like No Others!
Mother's Are Like No Others!
- By Miss Emily
- Published 01/21/2011
- Relationships - Women
Hi Emily,
My name is Lorna. I am 27, female and live in the San Francisco Bay Area. A year ago I worked at a stable job and moved my Mom and sisters in with me because my mom was unhappy in her marriage, and I was concerned for the psychological, emotional and spiritual effects that environment was having on my two younger sisters (both minor teens). About a month living together, I was laid off. Since that time I have been on unemployment, struggling to make ends meet. Fortunately, I was able to. Now the lease is up in a month or two and my unemployment is also expiring as well. I will not be able to continue to care for them, and when I have told my Mom this, she just gave me the cold shoulder, refuses to talk to me and gives this tantrum. It is not only very frustrating, but it makes things more harder on me to have to deal with everything. She told my older brother that I was abandoning her, which is completely untrue. She also blames my significant other (my girlfriend) for me wanting to abandon them, and it just creates more issues. I told my Mom that I would have to move in to my girlf'riend's place because I will not have a means to support myself. I feel limited and can't talk to my sisters, because they are too young and do not want them to get involved in this, and do not want to talk to my gf about this because she knows my mom blames her, and I already feel bad about that. My family, except my sisters, blame me for “abandoning them” and see me as selfish and inconsiderate. This makes me feel outraged, frustrated and quite resentful after the generosity I have shown to my mom, when this was not my responsibility in the first place. Granted, she is still not divorced, and I suggested she stop teeter-totting between me and her husband and she needs to figure out what they are going to do. Basically, what I want to know is what do I do here? I am torn between feeling very guilty for not being able to care for them and doing more, and feeling very resentful toward my mom for not being more understanding and making things easier for me. I just want to live my life, but my Mom makes me feel guilty when I try to…. Please help!!
-----------------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------------------
You're a smart woman, but you are not a miracle worker, and that's apparently what your mother expects from you. You have gone beyond what most children would do to help her family, yet the upshot is not one of gratitude from your ungrateful mother, but you simply aren't doing enough for her. Amazing! Be clear about this: It is her life to figure out. A caring, loving mother would never have put you in this position from the start. The economy is dreadful, and you've suffered a great loss. Now you must do what is best for you. You've got to rise above her selfishness, and be firm about your plans. You are moving, you have a place to go, and now she must decide what's she's going to do about it. She should not hold you hostage by laying a guilt trip at your feet -- and if you allow it, you'll never be free of her control. I am sure she will be resentful of you, but that would be expected from a women who is capable of this abusive behavior. I know you care a great deal for your siblings, but they are your mother's, and their father's responsibility, period. It's time for someone else to pick up this ball, and you do what you have to do. And that's find a job, put some money away, and live your life as you see fit -- with apologies to none! Please feel free to write me if you need moral support. I'm here for you, because I will not let you feel bad when you are nothing less than a good, and caring person.
My name is Lorna. I am 27, female and live in the San Francisco Bay Area. A year ago I worked at a stable job and moved my Mom and sisters in with me because my mom was unhappy in her marriage, and I was concerned for the psychological, emotional and spiritual effects that environment was having on my two younger sisters (both minor teens). About a month living together, I was laid off. Since that time I have been on unemployment, struggling to make ends meet. Fortunately, I was able to. Now the lease is up in a month or two and my unemployment is also expiring as well. I will not be able to continue to care for them, and when I have told my Mom this, she just gave me the cold shoulder, refuses to talk to me and gives this tantrum. It is not only very frustrating, but it makes things more harder on me to have to deal with everything. She told my older brother that I was abandoning her, which is completely untrue. She also blames my significant other (my girlfriend) for me wanting to abandon them, and it just creates more issues. I told my Mom that I would have to move in to my girlf'riend's place because I will not have a means to support myself. I feel limited and can't talk to my sisters, because they are too young and do not want them to get involved in this, and do not want to talk to my gf about this because she knows my mom blames her, and I already feel bad about that. My family, except my sisters, blame me for “abandoning them” and see me as selfish and inconsiderate. This makes me feel outraged, frustrated and quite resentful after the generosity I have shown to my mom, when this was not my responsibility in the first place. Granted, she is still not divorced, and I suggested she stop teeter-totting between me and her husband and she needs to figure out what they are going to do. Basically, what I want to know is what do I do here? I am torn between feeling very guilty for not being able to care for them and doing more, and feeling very resentful toward my mom for not being more understanding and making things easier for me. I just want to live my life, but my Mom makes me feel guilty when I try to…. Please help!!
-----------------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------------------
You're a smart woman, but you are not a miracle worker, and that's apparently what your mother expects from you. You have gone beyond what most children would do to help her family, yet the upshot is not one of gratitude from your ungrateful mother, but you simply aren't doing enough for her. Amazing! Be clear about this: It is her life to figure out. A caring, loving mother would never have put you in this position from the start. The economy is dreadful, and you've suffered a great loss. Now you must do what is best for you. You've got to rise above her selfishness, and be firm about your plans. You are moving, you have a place to go, and now she must decide what's she's going to do about it. She should not hold you hostage by laying a guilt trip at your feet -- and if you allow it, you'll never be free of her control. I am sure she will be resentful of you, but that would be expected from a women who is capable of this abusive behavior. I know you care a great deal for your siblings, but they are your mother's, and their father's responsibility, period. It's time for someone else to pick up this ball, and you do what you have to do. And that's find a job, put some money away, and live your life as you see fit -- with apologies to none! Please feel free to write me if you need moral support. I'm here for you, because I will not let you feel bad when you are nothing less than a good, and caring person.
