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To Vegas, Or Not
- By Miss Emily
- Published 01/15/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
Back home I have a very close group of 10 friends, 5 girls and 5 guys. We've been friends since high school and have stayed close through college and even after some of us have moved to different states. Last week, I got an e-mail from one of the guys of the group saying that they're planning a trip for just the 10 of us to go to Vegas for a short weekend. One catch is that, although 6 of us have boyfriends or girlfriends, no couples are invited. It's basically a last hooray for the group before everyone moves away, gets married, and starts having babies. Another catch is one of the guys of the group is an ex-boyfriend of mine and we broke up over three years ago and he has a girlfriend of over two years. Now, I can understand my boyfriend's point of view, that Vegas is a scandalous city, he thinks it's wrong to go on a co-ed vacation if you're in a relationship, and my ex-boyfriend will be there in the next room over. And, although there are other people in the group who have boyfriends or girlfriends who aren't invited, none of them have an ex within the group. But I realllllly want to go! Haha. My argument is that, although I realize I made a choice to move away from my friends and family, I really miss them and it would be so much fun to go on a trip with my friends. I wish boyfriends and girlfriends could go, but I'm not the one planning the trip. The other boyfriends and girlfriends outside the group are annoyed they can't go, but not to the extent that my boyfriend is. There's also absolutely nothing between me and my ex-boyfriend. I wouldn't have moved across the country to be with my boyfriend if I wasn't absolutely devoted to him. I also don't think he understands how such a close group of friends like mine would want to do a trip like this, with no bfs or gfs, because he doesn't have that type of group. I want to respect my boyfriend and our relationship but I also think this trip would be so much fun, and I really don't think another opportunity like this will come along. I've told my boyfriend that next year we should plan a cruise and invite anyone who wants to go, couples and singles. Help!
Back home I have a very close group of 10 friends, 5 girls and 5 guys. We've been friends since high school and have stayed close through college and even after some of us have moved to different states. Last week, I got an e-mail from one of the guys of the group saying that they're planning a trip for just the 10 of us to go to Vegas for a short weekend. One catch is that, although 6 of us have boyfriends or girlfriends, no couples are invited. It's basically a last hooray for the group before everyone moves away, gets married, and starts having babies. Another catch is one of the guys of the group is an ex-boyfriend of mine and we broke up over three years ago and he has a girlfriend of over two years. Now, I can understand my boyfriend's point of view, that Vegas is a scandalous city, he thinks it's wrong to go on a co-ed vacation if you're in a relationship, and my ex-boyfriend will be there in the next room over. And, although there are other people in the group who have boyfriends or girlfriends who aren't invited, none of them have an ex within the group. But I realllllly want to go! Haha. My argument is that, although I realize I made a choice to move away from my friends and family, I really miss them and it would be so much fun to go on a trip with my friends. I wish boyfriends and girlfriends could go, but I'm not the one planning the trip. The other boyfriends and girlfriends outside the group are annoyed they can't go, but not to the extent that my boyfriend is. There's also absolutely nothing between me and my ex-boyfriend. I wouldn't have moved across the country to be with my boyfriend if I wasn't absolutely devoted to him. I also don't think he understands how such a close group of friends like mine would want to do a trip like this, with no bfs or gfs, because he doesn't have that type of group. I want to respect my boyfriend and our relationship but I also think this trip would be so much fun, and I really don't think another opportunity like this will come along. I've told my boyfriend that next year we should plan a cruise and invite anyone who wants to go, couples and singles. Help!
---------------------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------------------------
I get the feeling you're hell-bent to go to Vegas and be with this "high school cult." And if you didn't go, you'd be resentful. Of course, your boyfriend feels horribly excluded, as the others do who are not invited, and I can see their point. Once you commit to a relationship in the ways that you and he have done, it usually takes a front seat -- where sensitivity and loyalty is expected. I have a feeling if the shoe were on the other foot, you'd feel the same. But I also see this as a dip into the past, a nostalgic journey down memory lane, and he would feel awkward being there. In other words, going could make him feel equally detached. As well, the unity of this particular group is diluted with the new influx of blood -- apparently the planner of this event felt that way. But it doesn't matter that the person who planned this trip excluded the boyfriends and girlfriends, as much as you find the terms acceptable if you decide to go. I think your only recourse is to repeat: "I know you feel alienated by not being invited, but you'd probably feel the same when you didn't get the jokes and the constant talk of our past experiences together. I ask for your trust, it's the cornerstone of our relationship, and I have no intention of breaking it. I adore you, and I'll also bug you with constant cell phone calls." The idea of planning a cruise where you and he invite anyone, married or single to go, is a lame olive-branch to extend. You would be included on that junket, and there lies the rub.
I get the feeling you're hell-bent to go to Vegas and be with this "high school cult." And if you didn't go, you'd be resentful. Of course, your boyfriend feels horribly excluded, as the others do who are not invited, and I can see their point. Once you commit to a relationship in the ways that you and he have done, it usually takes a front seat -- where sensitivity and loyalty is expected. I have a feeling if the shoe were on the other foot, you'd feel the same. But I also see this as a dip into the past, a nostalgic journey down memory lane, and he would feel awkward being there. In other words, going could make him feel equally detached. As well, the unity of this particular group is diluted with the new influx of blood -- apparently the planner of this event felt that way. But it doesn't matter that the person who planned this trip excluded the boyfriends and girlfriends, as much as you find the terms acceptable if you decide to go. I think your only recourse is to repeat: "I know you feel alienated by not being invited, but you'd probably feel the same when you didn't get the jokes and the constant talk of our past experiences together. I ask for your trust, it's the cornerstone of our relationship, and I have no intention of breaking it. I adore you, and I'll also bug you with constant cell phone calls." The idea of planning a cruise where you and he invite anyone, married or single to go, is a lame olive-branch to extend. You would be included on that junket, and there lies the rub.
