It's A Family Matter
- By Miss Emily
- Published 01/10/2011
- General
Dear Miss Emily:
My sister and niece have not returned my phone calls about problems with our adopted children, for 2 years, yet still want one holiday celebration with us when my brother from N.Y. comes down to PA.This year, I refused to have a joint celebration but, instead, asked for a separate one. Would you do the same?
----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
Family issues, like this, are complicated. Just because they are family, it does not mean there aren't conditions to the relationship -- obviously. But when there are these conditions, it hits below the belt. Family betrayals are the hardest to conquer. I do not know why they have taken a stance not to return your calls in this matter, but I can only assume certain possibilities: They were not on -board with the adoptions; they don't want to be a continual sounding-boards to your problems with the kids, because they don't see you making any effort to work on those problems; or . . . sis and her daughter are too busy to be caring people to a relative who would like a little understanding, and a need to talk from time-to-time. You've drawn a line in the sand, now, and unless you are willing to have a pow-wow on this, the precedent of not seeing each other will continue. And that's fine if you think it's the only alternative to their perceived bad behavior toward you. You probably won't be able to change their attitude about this issue, or they would have reached out to you by now. You have to be comfortable with the decision you have made for the long-haul. If not seeing these people relieves your mind, and the scale tips toward this being the better choice, you did the right thing -- for you. But if it causes you stress, and the whole family is brought in, only to muddy the waters, make one final attempt to air any grievances. If the attempt fails, you definitely know you did the right thing.
My sister and niece have not returned my phone calls about problems with our adopted children, for 2 years, yet still want one holiday celebration with us when my brother from N.Y. comes down to PA.This year, I refused to have a joint celebration but, instead, asked for a separate one. Would you do the same?
----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
Family issues, like this, are complicated. Just because they are family, it does not mean there aren't conditions to the relationship -- obviously. But when there are these conditions, it hits below the belt. Family betrayals are the hardest to conquer. I do not know why they have taken a stance not to return your calls in this matter, but I can only assume certain possibilities: They were not on -board with the adoptions; they don't want to be a continual sounding-boards to your problems with the kids, because they don't see you making any effort to work on those problems; or . . . sis and her daughter are too busy to be caring people to a relative who would like a little understanding, and a need to talk from time-to-time. You've drawn a line in the sand, now, and unless you are willing to have a pow-wow on this, the precedent of not seeing each other will continue. And that's fine if you think it's the only alternative to their perceived bad behavior toward you. You probably won't be able to change their attitude about this issue, or they would have reached out to you by now. You have to be comfortable with the decision you have made for the long-haul. If not seeing these people relieves your mind, and the scale tips toward this being the better choice, you did the right thing -- for you. But if it causes you stress, and the whole family is brought in, only to muddy the waters, make one final attempt to air any grievances. If the attempt fails, you definitely know you did the right thing.
