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Relationships And Einstein
- By Miss Emily
- Published 01/7/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear miss Emily,
My husband and I were together for 8 years. We have been married for 3 of those years and have a child together. We have had a very rocky relationship. There was a lot of arguing and a lot of misunderstandings. When we would fight, he was the first to give up on us and decide to break up. He has broke up with me about 12 times throughout our years together -- as for me only twice. About 3 months ago he decided he was unhappy with the way our relationship was headed and was not in love with me anymore. The first 2 weeks I was devastated and I cried and begged for his return, but he was certain about his decision. I was determined to get him back until one day when I told him I loved him still and would do anything for him he responded, "If u really love me, then you will let me go". My heart was crushed after that, and I realized that it is truly over. Days passed and I cried. Weeks pass, and I don't cry myself to sleep anymore -- and almost 2 months into the break up, I am 85 percent at peace with it. Then I bump into someone I used to date when I was a teenager. A first love one might say. We hit out off from the start, but the only problem is that he lives almost 500 miles away, but he is willing to have a long-distance relationship until I finish school. Then I can relocate. I was ready for a new relationship, until another problem emerged. My ex decided he didn't want a divorce -- which he had already payed half for -- and that he loved me, again, and wanted me back. I told him I have moved on and have met someone else, and I don't want a relationship with him anymore. Now he is begging me to forgive him and give him another chance. I have feelings for him because he is the father of my child, and I think I will always care for him. But I was almost completely healed and was ready for a new relationship. I am reluctant about giving him another chance because I know he makes promises that he cannot keep, and I feel that he will hurt me all over again. I care for both my ex and for the new guy, but don't really know what to do and who to choose. Should I choose the new, but somehow familiar road I have once chose and been on years ago? Or should I choose the bumpy road I have been on for years that I know like the back of my hand? I know ultimately it is my choice, and mine alone to make, but I would really like and appreciate some advice and guidance.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
"If you love me, you''ll let me go." Why do I sense there was someone else in the picture -- and it simply didn't work out? To think you've been through this struggle, so many times, and yet the core issues of why you and your husband argued and had misunderstandings were never addressed. Of course marriage counseling would have been a good choice, but it takes two to work at a relationship -- and your husband was too busy throwing up his hands, and heading for the door. And so why he thinks it will work, now, is stunning to me, because you and he have destructive cycles in your relationship and it's a pattern that cannot seem to be broken. You've heard Einstein's definition of crazy, haven't you? It's doing the same thing over and over, again, and expecting a different result. And that seems to be the case with you and your husband. Your child deserves better than two parents at war. I am sure these arguments, and misunderstandings are not lost on your child. The peace that has been brought to your home since his departure, cannot not be overlooked. This "first love" is not necessarily going to work out for the long-haul, but it sure sounds like a plan to have a little fun, and an opportunity to find some happiness in your life. Long-distance relationships are hard to maintain, but the distance, in this case, gives you some freedom on your turf just to be able to find yourself, and be a hands-on mom without the ex gumming-up the works. Personally, I think you'd be making a mistake by going back to him. Been there, done that. If you didn't get any of it right after 8 years, I don't think it would happen this time -- and hope is not a plan. You and your husband have something between the two of you, but it isn't a future by my estimation. If I were you, I'd get therapy to help you complete that 15% that still isn't healed, and finally over your husband. I see good things for you if you look forward, and leave your past with him behind. Sometimes love isn't enough and, in this case, I'm not sure you and he truly had it from the get-go.
My husband and I were together for 8 years. We have been married for 3 of those years and have a child together. We have had a very rocky relationship. There was a lot of arguing and a lot of misunderstandings. When we would fight, he was the first to give up on us and decide to break up. He has broke up with me about 12 times throughout our years together -- as for me only twice. About 3 months ago he decided he was unhappy with the way our relationship was headed and was not in love with me anymore. The first 2 weeks I was devastated and I cried and begged for his return, but he was certain about his decision. I was determined to get him back until one day when I told him I loved him still and would do anything for him he responded, "If u really love me, then you will let me go". My heart was crushed after that, and I realized that it is truly over. Days passed and I cried. Weeks pass, and I don't cry myself to sleep anymore -- and almost 2 months into the break up, I am 85 percent at peace with it. Then I bump into someone I used to date when I was a teenager. A first love one might say. We hit out off from the start, but the only problem is that he lives almost 500 miles away, but he is willing to have a long-distance relationship until I finish school. Then I can relocate. I was ready for a new relationship, until another problem emerged. My ex decided he didn't want a divorce -- which he had already payed half for -- and that he loved me, again, and wanted me back. I told him I have moved on and have met someone else, and I don't want a relationship with him anymore. Now he is begging me to forgive him and give him another chance. I have feelings for him because he is the father of my child, and I think I will always care for him. But I was almost completely healed and was ready for a new relationship. I am reluctant about giving him another chance because I know he makes promises that he cannot keep, and I feel that he will hurt me all over again. I care for both my ex and for the new guy, but don't really know what to do and who to choose. Should I choose the new, but somehow familiar road I have once chose and been on years ago? Or should I choose the bumpy road I have been on for years that I know like the back of my hand? I know ultimately it is my choice, and mine alone to make, but I would really like and appreciate some advice and guidance.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
"If you love me, you''ll let me go." Why do I sense there was someone else in the picture -- and it simply didn't work out? To think you've been through this struggle, so many times, and yet the core issues of why you and your husband argued and had misunderstandings were never addressed. Of course marriage counseling would have been a good choice, but it takes two to work at a relationship -- and your husband was too busy throwing up his hands, and heading for the door. And so why he thinks it will work, now, is stunning to me, because you and he have destructive cycles in your relationship and it's a pattern that cannot seem to be broken. You've heard Einstein's definition of crazy, haven't you? It's doing the same thing over and over, again, and expecting a different result. And that seems to be the case with you and your husband. Your child deserves better than two parents at war. I am sure these arguments, and misunderstandings are not lost on your child. The peace that has been brought to your home since his departure, cannot not be overlooked. This "first love" is not necessarily going to work out for the long-haul, but it sure sounds like a plan to have a little fun, and an opportunity to find some happiness in your life. Long-distance relationships are hard to maintain, but the distance, in this case, gives you some freedom on your turf just to be able to find yourself, and be a hands-on mom without the ex gumming-up the works. Personally, I think you'd be making a mistake by going back to him. Been there, done that. If you didn't get any of it right after 8 years, I don't think it would happen this time -- and hope is not a plan. You and your husband have something between the two of you, but it isn't a future by my estimation. If I were you, I'd get therapy to help you complete that 15% that still isn't healed, and finally over your husband. I see good things for you if you look forward, and leave your past with him behind. Sometimes love isn't enough and, in this case, I'm not sure you and he truly had it from the get-go.
