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Best To Go It Alone
- By Miss Emily
- Published 01/5/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I just recently broke up with an ex and started a new relationship with a new man. My boyfriend always cried and told me how much he loved and afraid to lose me. The new bf knows I'm still lingering onto the 7 years past relationship and that I don't give him 100% of my heart, so he was always upset because he said he's ready, and I'm not. So he broke up with me saying that maybe we should meet at another time in the future -- then things will work out. My confidence was crushed, and my heart hurt so bad because I do like him so much after 4 months. Our personalities and enjoyments were amazing, and we're so similar. I felt like I've found my soul mate. When we broke up, I asked him if he cares for me and likes me. He told me that he wasn't cryptic during the time we were together. Yes, he was very vocal and showed his affection all the time. I just wasn't ready for his love. He wanted me to find closure with my ex and move on. I couldn't do it and so he bailed. I feel so depressed because I thought he really loved me, or liked me. But I was wrong, he couldn't be patience enough to wait. I know it's unfair for him. He said I should find out what I really want and to find myself in life because he knows I'm not capable of being in a relationship right now. I know, and agree with him but somehow I feel so sad. I wish I could give him 100% of myself, but I can't because I'm torn between the 7 years relationship who was more than a boyfriend. My ex is a great man whom is financially stable, and loved me with all his heart. Our personalities do not match and that my heart isn't there for him anymore. I always cry when I think about how much suffering I have caused for my ex boyfriend of 7 years. I don't know why I cry. Now I'm crying for the break- up with the new boyfriend of 4 months. I wonder if the 4 months bf will ever get back with me. I know the 7 years man will always wait for me until I make the final decision. Please help!
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
There are many contradictions in your e-mail to me. You understand why he broke up with you, yet you say he didn't love you enough to wait it out. Why should he wait it out knowing what he knows? You still have feelings for your ex -- and even if it's the guilt you feel for breaking if off with this "good man," it was too much for you to embrace, and offer all of you to a new relationship. I think you're simply sad for the whole situation -- the pining ex, the guy who got away, and you for having no one in your life, now. But, ultimately, this is probably a good thing; although you don't see it that way. This alone time gives you the opportunity to see what you really want. Starting a new relationship after the close of one that lasted 7 years would be hard for anyone, unless the break-up with the former partner was happily mutual, and you couldn't wait to get it behind you and move on. This new guy came along, and he offered a lot of good things -- and a safety net for you -- but it wasn't for all the right reasons, obviously. Being a mature, grown-up is all about owning up to your feelings and not dragging a new relationship along during your period of extreme state of flux, and indecision. If this were a family member, or old friend, you'd expect them to support you and help you get through the rough times -- but this guy wanted all of you, not someone who couldn't truly commit. The price was too high for him to get more involved at the risk of losing his emotional investment. This may be a relationship you can revisit at another time, but if it is in the offing, do it when you heart is fully in it and not mired in the past.
I just recently broke up with an ex and started a new relationship with a new man. My boyfriend always cried and told me how much he loved and afraid to lose me. The new bf knows I'm still lingering onto the 7 years past relationship and that I don't give him 100% of my heart, so he was always upset because he said he's ready, and I'm not. So he broke up with me saying that maybe we should meet at another time in the future -- then things will work out. My confidence was crushed, and my heart hurt so bad because I do like him so much after 4 months. Our personalities and enjoyments were amazing, and we're so similar. I felt like I've found my soul mate. When we broke up, I asked him if he cares for me and likes me. He told me that he wasn't cryptic during the time we were together. Yes, he was very vocal and showed his affection all the time. I just wasn't ready for his love. He wanted me to find closure with my ex and move on. I couldn't do it and so he bailed. I feel so depressed because I thought he really loved me, or liked me. But I was wrong, he couldn't be patience enough to wait. I know it's unfair for him. He said I should find out what I really want and to find myself in life because he knows I'm not capable of being in a relationship right now. I know, and agree with him but somehow I feel so sad. I wish I could give him 100% of myself, but I can't because I'm torn between the 7 years relationship who was more than a boyfriend. My ex is a great man whom is financially stable, and loved me with all his heart. Our personalities do not match and that my heart isn't there for him anymore. I always cry when I think about how much suffering I have caused for my ex boyfriend of 7 years. I don't know why I cry. Now I'm crying for the break- up with the new boyfriend of 4 months. I wonder if the 4 months bf will ever get back with me. I know the 7 years man will always wait for me until I make the final decision. Please help!
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
There are many contradictions in your e-mail to me. You understand why he broke up with you, yet you say he didn't love you enough to wait it out. Why should he wait it out knowing what he knows? You still have feelings for your ex -- and even if it's the guilt you feel for breaking if off with this "good man," it was too much for you to embrace, and offer all of you to a new relationship. I think you're simply sad for the whole situation -- the pining ex, the guy who got away, and you for having no one in your life, now. But, ultimately, this is probably a good thing; although you don't see it that way. This alone time gives you the opportunity to see what you really want. Starting a new relationship after the close of one that lasted 7 years would be hard for anyone, unless the break-up with the former partner was happily mutual, and you couldn't wait to get it behind you and move on. This new guy came along, and he offered a lot of good things -- and a safety net for you -- but it wasn't for all the right reasons, obviously. Being a mature, grown-up is all about owning up to your feelings and not dragging a new relationship along during your period of extreme state of flux, and indecision. If this were a family member, or old friend, you'd expect them to support you and help you get through the rough times -- but this guy wanted all of you, not someone who couldn't truly commit. The price was too high for him to get more involved at the risk of losing his emotional investment. This may be a relationship you can revisit at another time, but if it is in the offing, do it when you heart is fully in it and not mired in the past.
