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Just Like Dad
- By Miss Emily
- Published 01/3/2011
- Relationships - Women
Dear Emily,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year, but we became close very quickly. We started off as pretty good friends so we have been close for longer than we have been together. He lacks confidence in himself very often because his parents don't treat him right, emotionally. My boyfriend always worries he will turn out to be like his father. His dad treats his wife with no respect, like she is worthless and stupid. When my boyfriend asks if he is anything like his dad, I say no because that is true. However, lately I feel like he is becoming like his dad. When we are alone it's good, but around our friends is another story. I feel like I am constantly made a fool of. When I try to say something, it often is either ignored or turned into a joke. Also, sometimes he will tell me to be quiet or just shut up. Finally, the other night, he made me feel like I'm not good enough because he looked at pictures of naked girls and praised them right in front of me with all our friends. Granted, it happens most often if he has been drinking, but I feel like we are going to turn into the relationship his parents have and I can't live that way. I love my boyfriend, very much, and I know he loves me too. I can't leave him, but I can't talk to him about this because all he will do is get mad and tell me I'm pissing him off. Please help me :/
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------
It's odd that he would be afraid to turn into his dad, express that concern to you by asking you if he's anything like him and, then, get angry if you were to point out certain similar behaviors -- of late. You say you can't live that way, but you can't leave him. I'm afraid you're going to have to rethink that contradiction. Sadly, there are those who are victims of their childhood. And although these people would be the first to tell you they wouldn't want to repeat history, they so often do. I see no hope for this relationship if you can't discuss these issues with him, and he's not willing to make an effort to stop his degrading, and disrespectful manner toward you when you are with company. Now that you and he have been together over a year, he's letting his guard down and those suppressed bad, learned behaviors are surfacing. Whether he's drinking, or not, when he does this, it's insensitive and hurtful. I don't know how you think this is going to work in your favor by keeping your mouth shut to avoid his anger over it. You enable him by allowing him to get away with his ability to control you in this manner -- and you'll have no one to blame but yourself if you allow it to continue without addressing it head-on. He may be destined to realize the thing he fears -- being like his father -- but you don't have to stand by and watch it, nor be turned into a victim of his dysfunctional upbringing. The cycle repeats itself when it goes unchallenged. Knowing what you know, if you were to allow this to continue without making every attempt to remedy it, I'm afraid you'll need as much help as he. Do not even think of marrying this man the way things are now. Counseling is strongly advised. I know he won't go, more than likely, but you should consider it.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year, but we became close very quickly. We started off as pretty good friends so we have been close for longer than we have been together. He lacks confidence in himself very often because his parents don't treat him right, emotionally. My boyfriend always worries he will turn out to be like his father. His dad treats his wife with no respect, like she is worthless and stupid. When my boyfriend asks if he is anything like his dad, I say no because that is true. However, lately I feel like he is becoming like his dad. When we are alone it's good, but around our friends is another story. I feel like I am constantly made a fool of. When I try to say something, it often is either ignored or turned into a joke. Also, sometimes he will tell me to be quiet or just shut up. Finally, the other night, he made me feel like I'm not good enough because he looked at pictures of naked girls and praised them right in front of me with all our friends. Granted, it happens most often if he has been drinking, but I feel like we are going to turn into the relationship his parents have and I can't live that way. I love my boyfriend, very much, and I know he loves me too. I can't leave him, but I can't talk to him about this because all he will do is get mad and tell me I'm pissing him off. Please help me :/
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------
It's odd that he would be afraid to turn into his dad, express that concern to you by asking you if he's anything like him and, then, get angry if you were to point out certain similar behaviors -- of late. You say you can't live that way, but you can't leave him. I'm afraid you're going to have to rethink that contradiction. Sadly, there are those who are victims of their childhood. And although these people would be the first to tell you they wouldn't want to repeat history, they so often do. I see no hope for this relationship if you can't discuss these issues with him, and he's not willing to make an effort to stop his degrading, and disrespectful manner toward you when you are with company. Now that you and he have been together over a year, he's letting his guard down and those suppressed bad, learned behaviors are surfacing. Whether he's drinking, or not, when he does this, it's insensitive and hurtful. I don't know how you think this is going to work in your favor by keeping your mouth shut to avoid his anger over it. You enable him by allowing him to get away with his ability to control you in this manner -- and you'll have no one to blame but yourself if you allow it to continue without addressing it head-on. He may be destined to realize the thing he fears -- being like his father -- but you don't have to stand by and watch it, nor be turned into a victim of his dysfunctional upbringing. The cycle repeats itself when it goes unchallenged. Knowing what you know, if you were to allow this to continue without making every attempt to remedy it, I'm afraid you'll need as much help as he. Do not even think of marrying this man the way things are now. Counseling is strongly advised. I know he won't go, more than likely, but you should consider it.
