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- Is This Boy Timid, Or Cautious?
Is This Boy Timid, Or Cautious?
- By Miss Emily
- Published 12/30/2010
- Relationships - Teens
Hi Emily,
I'm 18 and when I started college in September. I met a guy also 18 and since then we've been kinda dating. At the start, we spent hours talking and getting to know each other and we both told each other how much we liked each other. After a while, he told me he'd never had a girlfriend before because he doesn't like commitment and thinks he would feel trapped -- and that he likes me, but in the end, he sees us ending up as just friends because he's not ready for that and dosn't understand why people just go out for a few months and then break up -- and how he wouldn't want to be a big impact on my life and hurt me. Now it's 3 months later, and things definitely have been more on the physical side -- but we still have good chats together too! We had sex about a month, ago, and I ended up taking his virginity. Sex to him wasn't a huge deal, but he had been offered it by other girls and said no because he said he still wanted it to be special and with someone he really liked. I felt we were progressing, a bit, and maybe getting more serious over the last few weeks. But he lives on campus and, now, he's at home for 6 weeks for Christmas. We left things on a really good note, but he hasn't really talked to me other then a really cute text on my birthday. He's always on-line, on facebook too, but never talks to me or sends me a text. I'd like to think it's because he's busy with seeing friends/family at home (especially because his dad died in August) but even saying hi wouldn't hurt or a text to see how I am. I don't know if it's because he doesn't like me anymore, or he's never been attached to someone so he doesn't know any better. He agreed we could meet up sometime in January, and I heard his friend is coming up to do work at the start of the month -- so he could come up with him, maybe, but I don't know if he will! I really like him so much, ,and I'm definitely falling for him. He's the first guy I've really clicked with since my ex. He doesn't seem to want to talk to me as much as I do with him. I don't know if he'll ever want a proper relationship, or how to show him how much I like him and that relationships aren't all bad?
-----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
This guy has all the answers, right? I wonder -- is he really trying to protect you, or himself? I think he's just afraid and won't admit it. He was a virgin, and now he's not. He's in a position to grow up about this, and move to the next stage if he will challenge himself, and face his fears. If he had been a ladies man and was commitment phobic, because it kept him from playing the field, well, then, my advice would be different. But your guy is gun-shy for other reasons, I think. He's put a protective shell around himself, because he has had little, to no experience. I think your best bet is to give him all the freedom he thinks he wants. Call his bluff, so to speak. Be friendly, don't keep in contact with him as much as you want, and let him do some of the leg work on this relationship. He needs to get a little courage, and take some risks. That's what life is about if you want to live it to its fullest. As long as the relationship is honest, the outcome will be manageable. No one can avoid getting his, or her heart broken. It comes with the territory. If you're smart, you'll be casual and be so "all right" with what he thinks he wants -- you find no problem with it -- until he does! Just let him know that you really understand and respect his feelings -- no pressure on your part! If he wants the relationship to progress, he needs to make the effort, if he's capable. Of course, you run the risk of losing him, but if he's so pent-up with his feelings, and so dogmatic about how sure he is about how relationships work (silly boy), you're not going to have what you want no matter how you handle him. To repeat, I think no pressure, and for him to see you as a free-spirit is your best bet.
I'm 18 and when I started college in September. I met a guy also 18 and since then we've been kinda dating. At the start, we spent hours talking and getting to know each other and we both told each other how much we liked each other. After a while, he told me he'd never had a girlfriend before because he doesn't like commitment and thinks he would feel trapped -- and that he likes me, but in the end, he sees us ending up as just friends because he's not ready for that and dosn't understand why people just go out for a few months and then break up -- and how he wouldn't want to be a big impact on my life and hurt me. Now it's 3 months later, and things definitely have been more on the physical side -- but we still have good chats together too! We had sex about a month, ago, and I ended up taking his virginity. Sex to him wasn't a huge deal, but he had been offered it by other girls and said no because he said he still wanted it to be special and with someone he really liked. I felt we were progressing, a bit, and maybe getting more serious over the last few weeks. But he lives on campus and, now, he's at home for 6 weeks for Christmas. We left things on a really good note, but he hasn't really talked to me other then a really cute text on my birthday. He's always on-line, on facebook too, but never talks to me or sends me a text. I'd like to think it's because he's busy with seeing friends/family at home (especially because his dad died in August) but even saying hi wouldn't hurt or a text to see how I am. I don't know if it's because he doesn't like me anymore, or he's never been attached to someone so he doesn't know any better. He agreed we could meet up sometime in January, and I heard his friend is coming up to do work at the start of the month -- so he could come up with him, maybe, but I don't know if he will! I really like him so much, ,and I'm definitely falling for him. He's the first guy I've really clicked with since my ex. He doesn't seem to want to talk to me as much as I do with him. I don't know if he'll ever want a proper relationship, or how to show him how much I like him and that relationships aren't all bad?
-----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
This guy has all the answers, right? I wonder -- is he really trying to protect you, or himself? I think he's just afraid and won't admit it. He was a virgin, and now he's not. He's in a position to grow up about this, and move to the next stage if he will challenge himself, and face his fears. If he had been a ladies man and was commitment phobic, because it kept him from playing the field, well, then, my advice would be different. But your guy is gun-shy for other reasons, I think. He's put a protective shell around himself, because he has had little, to no experience. I think your best bet is to give him all the freedom he thinks he wants. Call his bluff, so to speak. Be friendly, don't keep in contact with him as much as you want, and let him do some of the leg work on this relationship. He needs to get a little courage, and take some risks. That's what life is about if you want to live it to its fullest. As long as the relationship is honest, the outcome will be manageable. No one can avoid getting his, or her heart broken. It comes with the territory. If you're smart, you'll be casual and be so "all right" with what he thinks he wants -- you find no problem with it -- until he does! Just let him know that you really understand and respect his feelings -- no pressure on your part! If he wants the relationship to progress, he needs to make the effort, if he's capable. Of course, you run the risk of losing him, but if he's so pent-up with his feelings, and so dogmatic about how sure he is about how relationships work (silly boy), you're not going to have what you want no matter how you handle him. To repeat, I think no pressure, and for him to see you as a free-spirit is your best bet.
