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Low-libido Causes High Tension
- By Miss Emily
- Published 11/30/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. At first everything was really great, as all relationships usually are in the beginning. We moved into our own place that was very affordable, we had money to take care of the things we needed and do the things we wanted. I noticed his sex drive dropping though. We used to have sex once a week or more, and slowly it decreased to once a month. I tried talking to him about it and he always said he just didn't have a high sex drive. One night we fought about it. I was very frustrated and he told me he has low testosterone and in the beginning he told me he was taking an herbal supplement earlier on that helped increase his sex drive. I asked him why he stopped if it was helping him ,and its not like money was an issue. He dodged the question and I never got a real answer to that or why he wouldn't go back to the doctor for hormone therapy, or further advice. We moved out of that place into a nice home that is much larger and, of course, more expensive. On top if it, we bought a new vehicle that isn't cheap. I agreed to all this because it was what he wanted, all the while knowing most of the financial burden would be on me, I make more money than him. I wanted to give him what he wanted. Well now its 2 years later and. due to the economy, he is bringing in less money. We are broke a lot, can never go to dinner or a movie, or do any of the things we once enjoyed. Our sex life had dropped even more. I'm lucky if we have it every 4 months. It doesn't help that he is very unaffectionate as well. I feel alone and unwanted all the time. We fight over stupid things. He says I complain too much. It's hard for me not to. I work from 52-80 hours a week, he works about 32. I give him credit because he is a nice man, and he does things around the house and, in this way, we work together. We are compatible and enjoy each other when we aren't fighting but the lack of affection and sex is driving me insane. I've talked to him about going back to the doctor, or us seeing a counselor but he just won't. I feel like he's punishing me for being the breadwinner. I've given him all the things he's asked for, and back when we had money he always found an excuse to not want me. Now he claims he feels like less of a man because he's always broke. I told him I was fine with things being tight if he were happy, but now he's more miserable than ever and he has it all. He uses money as an excuse, but doesn't want to move to a more affordable house or downsize the vehicle. I'm at a loss. I want sex. I want him to show me the affection he freely gives to our pets. I've tried different things, lingerie, whipped cream, you know to spice it up. He says what's the point of lingerie when u just take it off. Even the whipped cream, etc., is sticky and gross. I feel like he finds every excuse in the world to not touch me. He claims even porn doesn't excite him. We got into a fight a few nights ago and, in the fight, I told him I was tired of busting my ass to come home to no appreciation, affection or sex and maybe is should move out. He said go ahead and leave. I hate you most of the time that's why I won't f you. He left the room I sat there and cried, and he never apologized. I feel like he's content letting me be miserable. There is even more to this but its all been going on so long. Please help me. I love him, and part of me thinks he still loves me.
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
You're in a miserable position. He is a passive-aggressive man and it's unlikely you will win with him. The blush was off the rose, long ago, and now you have to make the tough decision on what you're going to do about it. There's a tremendous imbalance in this relationship. The move up in status with purchases that you no longer can afford has put a tremendous strain on this relationship, as well. The economy is in the pits, and the pinch is felt universally. But more than likely the tinsel trappings were a Band-aid to cover the problems you and he have not addressed in earnest. His low-libido is an issue only he can fix. And maybe he thinks he's punishing you because you aren't measuring up, these days, but the truth is. . .he doesn't measure up, sexually, and he's projecting the blame onto you ("It's her fault!") Now all you have is an iffy friendship with fights over money, irresponsibility and resentment. Face the fact that this relationship has reached the end, at least for now, because he hides behind manufactured anger he feels for you because of his own inadequacies, and it is typical of a man who is sexually dysfunctional. He needs a doctor's help, his false pride won't let him go, and he's magically blaming you for what he can't do. Four years -- good times, and now bad times, with no solution in sight because your guy would rather be hostile than face the truth. Downsize, and with him not included in the move. If you get together in the future, he'd have to have this worked out to your satisfaction. But don't bet on it. Men like this hide under rocks and get really pissed when someone exposes them to the light. You can't buy love, and now you know it.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. At first everything was really great, as all relationships usually are in the beginning. We moved into our own place that was very affordable, we had money to take care of the things we needed and do the things we wanted. I noticed his sex drive dropping though. We used to have sex once a week or more, and slowly it decreased to once a month. I tried talking to him about it and he always said he just didn't have a high sex drive. One night we fought about it. I was very frustrated and he told me he has low testosterone and in the beginning he told me he was taking an herbal supplement earlier on that helped increase his sex drive. I asked him why he stopped if it was helping him ,and its not like money was an issue. He dodged the question and I never got a real answer to that or why he wouldn't go back to the doctor for hormone therapy, or further advice. We moved out of that place into a nice home that is much larger and, of course, more expensive. On top if it, we bought a new vehicle that isn't cheap. I agreed to all this because it was what he wanted, all the while knowing most of the financial burden would be on me, I make more money than him. I wanted to give him what he wanted. Well now its 2 years later and. due to the economy, he is bringing in less money. We are broke a lot, can never go to dinner or a movie, or do any of the things we once enjoyed. Our sex life had dropped even more. I'm lucky if we have it every 4 months. It doesn't help that he is very unaffectionate as well. I feel alone and unwanted all the time. We fight over stupid things. He says I complain too much. It's hard for me not to. I work from 52-80 hours a week, he works about 32. I give him credit because he is a nice man, and he does things around the house and, in this way, we work together. We are compatible and enjoy each other when we aren't fighting but the lack of affection and sex is driving me insane. I've talked to him about going back to the doctor, or us seeing a counselor but he just won't. I feel like he's punishing me for being the breadwinner. I've given him all the things he's asked for, and back when we had money he always found an excuse to not want me. Now he claims he feels like less of a man because he's always broke. I told him I was fine with things being tight if he were happy, but now he's more miserable than ever and he has it all. He uses money as an excuse, but doesn't want to move to a more affordable house or downsize the vehicle. I'm at a loss. I want sex. I want him to show me the affection he freely gives to our pets. I've tried different things, lingerie, whipped cream, you know to spice it up. He says what's the point of lingerie when u just take it off. Even the whipped cream, etc., is sticky and gross. I feel like he finds every excuse in the world to not touch me. He claims even porn doesn't excite him. We got into a fight a few nights ago and, in the fight, I told him I was tired of busting my ass to come home to no appreciation, affection or sex and maybe is should move out. He said go ahead and leave. I hate you most of the time that's why I won't f you. He left the room I sat there and cried, and he never apologized. I feel like he's content letting me be miserable. There is even more to this but its all been going on so long. Please help me. I love him, and part of me thinks he still loves me.
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
You're in a miserable position. He is a passive-aggressive man and it's unlikely you will win with him. The blush was off the rose, long ago, and now you have to make the tough decision on what you're going to do about it. There's a tremendous imbalance in this relationship. The move up in status with purchases that you no longer can afford has put a tremendous strain on this relationship, as well. The economy is in the pits, and the pinch is felt universally. But more than likely the tinsel trappings were a Band-aid to cover the problems you and he have not addressed in earnest. His low-libido is an issue only he can fix. And maybe he thinks he's punishing you because you aren't measuring up, these days, but the truth is. . .he doesn't measure up, sexually, and he's projecting the blame onto you ("It's her fault!") Now all you have is an iffy friendship with fights over money, irresponsibility and resentment. Face the fact that this relationship has reached the end, at least for now, because he hides behind manufactured anger he feels for you because of his own inadequacies, and it is typical of a man who is sexually dysfunctional. He needs a doctor's help, his false pride won't let him go, and he's magically blaming you for what he can't do. Four years -- good times, and now bad times, with no solution in sight because your guy would rather be hostile than face the truth. Downsize, and with him not included in the move. If you get together in the future, he'd have to have this worked out to your satisfaction. But don't bet on it. Men like this hide under rocks and get really pissed when someone exposes them to the light. You can't buy love, and now you know it.
