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- Salvaging A Relationship
Salvaging A Relationship
- By Miss Emily
- Published 11/24/2010
- Relationships - Women
Hi Emily,
I have a problem...I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, we also have a 16 month old daughter. We've had our ups and downs, a lot of the downs due to his flirting, irresponsibility, and lack of commitment, however since the last flirting incident he has changed and become more committed. But now I feel different, I don't know if my feelings have changed because of his past behavior and every little thing he did gradually pushed me away from him. It has taken me to not feel sexually attracted to him at all, in fact I've lost all desire to have sex like we used to. I know it upsets him because we had a great sex life before but I feel different now. I don't know if it's something hormonal or if it's me telling myself I don't want this anymore. We have a great friendship and a great relationship but I don't feel there is anymore passion. I even find myself sexually attracted or fantasizing about other men, I love him but I'm not sure if I'm in love with him, how can I make sure? Do you think therapy would work, couple or just me? Thanks
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
It's insidious when something like this happens. Feelings wane when trust is broken. But I look at it this way: You said, you and he have a great friendship, and a great relationship, by your estimation. Two components that are essential in healing old wounds. You can't go back and change the past, no one can, but you can be open to giving this relationship you're absolute best in order for your daughter to flourish with both parents under the same roof. I think couples counseling (or on your own if he's not willing) is an excellent idea -- and, then, if you still feel the same way -- well, you gave it your all, you can live with that, and move on to a better life. Yes, hormonal changes can make a difference in a person's sex life, and taking care of a 16 month old child is tiresome. Those things need to be considered in your thought processes. You might feel you're missing out on living -- having fun, and you resent your boyfriend's ability to, in the past, find time to flirt and be careless when you were the responsible party. But he's trying, now, and that's a big deal. I get many letters from women who are completely abandoned in this same situation, and I often advise them to leave the relationship, as painful as it is to do. However, when a guy tries to makes amends after going through the mental jujitsu of maybe being scared to be a father, in a relationship that is more commitment than what he had, I get a little soft. While searching for a good counselor, find a good babysitter and go out and have some fun with him. And also, go out with your friends and get involved in things that make you happy outside the home. A sense of independence in a committed relationship, to me, is having it all. Good luck to you.
I have a problem...I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, we also have a 16 month old daughter. We've had our ups and downs, a lot of the downs due to his flirting, irresponsibility, and lack of commitment, however since the last flirting incident he has changed and become more committed. But now I feel different, I don't know if my feelings have changed because of his past behavior and every little thing he did gradually pushed me away from him. It has taken me to not feel sexually attracted to him at all, in fact I've lost all desire to have sex like we used to. I know it upsets him because we had a great sex life before but I feel different now. I don't know if it's something hormonal or if it's me telling myself I don't want this anymore. We have a great friendship and a great relationship but I don't feel there is anymore passion. I even find myself sexually attracted or fantasizing about other men, I love him but I'm not sure if I'm in love with him, how can I make sure? Do you think therapy would work, couple or just me? Thanks
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
It's insidious when something like this happens. Feelings wane when trust is broken. But I look at it this way: You said, you and he have a great friendship, and a great relationship, by your estimation. Two components that are essential in healing old wounds. You can't go back and change the past, no one can, but you can be open to giving this relationship you're absolute best in order for your daughter to flourish with both parents under the same roof. I think couples counseling (or on your own if he's not willing) is an excellent idea -- and, then, if you still feel the same way -- well, you gave it your all, you can live with that, and move on to a better life. Yes, hormonal changes can make a difference in a person's sex life, and taking care of a 16 month old child is tiresome. Those things need to be considered in your thought processes. You might feel you're missing out on living -- having fun, and you resent your boyfriend's ability to, in the past, find time to flirt and be careless when you were the responsible party. But he's trying, now, and that's a big deal. I get many letters from women who are completely abandoned in this same situation, and I often advise them to leave the relationship, as painful as it is to do. However, when a guy tries to makes amends after going through the mental jujitsu of maybe being scared to be a father, in a relationship that is more commitment than what he had, I get a little soft. While searching for a good counselor, find a good babysitter and go out and have some fun with him. And also, go out with your friends and get involved in things that make you happy outside the home. A sense of independence in a committed relationship, to me, is having it all. Good luck to you.
