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Family Coming Between This Relationship
- By Miss Emily
- Published 11/12/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I've been dating my boyfriend (22) for almost three years and his mother might be the end of that. He went to stay with her when we first started dating and my boyfriend and I were fighting. She grabbed his phone and text me saying I was a bitch and to stay the f**k away from her son. A few months afterward, my boyfriend wanted us to go out to eat with her and she was mad I didn't talk much and said I ruined it -- like countless other family events I went to and didn't talk much (even though no one attempted to talk to me and I got along better with his distant family then those I'd met a million times). She never made attempt to say sorry. His mother has an older daughter (27ish) who also loves to blame me for problems in my boyfriend's life, tells my boyfriend to leave me at home and, like her mother says, our relationship is doomed. His mother bought her other son (14) a puppy. then took it away from him, gave it to my boyfriend who was living with his father, waited a few months until we both got attached, then claimed he couldn't take care of it because he worked too much. She took the dog back to her house, renamed it, then later gave it to the pound. After we moved in together, she said she was turning off my boyfriend's phone because she couldn't afford to pay for his and her daughter's anymore so I signed a contract for another phone on my line. Not even six months into the 2 year agreement. she buys him a new android phone and gets him a line under her telling me I can just suspend it which is not possible without fees. I might not be perfect, and admit my boyfriend and I fight occasionally, but I think that should be personal and not something he tells his family about. This woman and her daughter have no problem ripping my relationship and me apart with mean comments and no support of my boyfriend and our relationship. I feel like I get lashed out at and blamed and I don't know what to do. My boyfriend wants his family and me to get along so bad, he ignores it and still wants me to be around these people -- but I don't want them in my future if we get married, I don't even want them at the wedding! Is that over reacting, or are my feelings justified?
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
I'm not sure it even matters if you're justified, or not, your boyfriend is part of this family and he has no intentions of letting go, or even attempt to change the dynamic. To allow his mother to have the kind of control she has over him, is off-putting, to say the least. In my opinion, this is a battle you will not win. Your boyfriend would have to be a god in order to put up with this family and, from what you have said, he isn't! You and he would have to be in lock-step in handling this rather monumental problem, and you two aren't even walking in the same direction. Is his mother crazy? I think her behavior is erratic, judgmental, and controlling and, if it were me, I'd think long and hard about wanting to marry this man and his family. And that's what it would be, a package deal. I think I'd rather live in a one-room walk-up with no heat than walk down the isle into this mess. A relationship that proceeds to marriage, ideally, would have the elements of respect, trust, and devotion. So far, I see little to none of it in this relationship -- and I'd consider cutting my losses and find someone who has a family who doesn't see you as an adversary, and vice-versa
I've been dating my boyfriend (22) for almost three years and his mother might be the end of that. He went to stay with her when we first started dating and my boyfriend and I were fighting. She grabbed his phone and text me saying I was a bitch and to stay the f**k away from her son. A few months afterward, my boyfriend wanted us to go out to eat with her and she was mad I didn't talk much and said I ruined it -- like countless other family events I went to and didn't talk much (even though no one attempted to talk to me and I got along better with his distant family then those I'd met a million times). She never made attempt to say sorry. His mother has an older daughter (27ish) who also loves to blame me for problems in my boyfriend's life, tells my boyfriend to leave me at home and, like her mother says, our relationship is doomed. His mother bought her other son (14) a puppy. then took it away from him, gave it to my boyfriend who was living with his father, waited a few months until we both got attached, then claimed he couldn't take care of it because he worked too much. She took the dog back to her house, renamed it, then later gave it to the pound. After we moved in together, she said she was turning off my boyfriend's phone because she couldn't afford to pay for his and her daughter's anymore so I signed a contract for another phone on my line. Not even six months into the 2 year agreement. she buys him a new android phone and gets him a line under her telling me I can just suspend it which is not possible without fees. I might not be perfect, and admit my boyfriend and I fight occasionally, but I think that should be personal and not something he tells his family about. This woman and her daughter have no problem ripping my relationship and me apart with mean comments and no support of my boyfriend and our relationship. I feel like I get lashed out at and blamed and I don't know what to do. My boyfriend wants his family and me to get along so bad, he ignores it and still wants me to be around these people -- but I don't want them in my future if we get married, I don't even want them at the wedding! Is that over reacting, or are my feelings justified?
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
I'm not sure it even matters if you're justified, or not, your boyfriend is part of this family and he has no intentions of letting go, or even attempt to change the dynamic. To allow his mother to have the kind of control she has over him, is off-putting, to say the least. In my opinion, this is a battle you will not win. Your boyfriend would have to be a god in order to put up with this family and, from what you have said, he isn't! You and he would have to be in lock-step in handling this rather monumental problem, and you two aren't even walking in the same direction. Is his mother crazy? I think her behavior is erratic, judgmental, and controlling and, if it were me, I'd think long and hard about wanting to marry this man and his family. And that's what it would be, a package deal. I think I'd rather live in a one-room walk-up with no heat than walk down the isle into this mess. A relationship that proceeds to marriage, ideally, would have the elements of respect, trust, and devotion. So far, I see little to none of it in this relationship -- and I'd consider cutting my losses and find someone who has a family who doesn't see you as an adversary, and vice-versa
