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Short-sighted About Height
- By Miss Emily
- Published 11/9/2010
- Relationships - Men
Dear Miss Emily:
I'm a shorter guy, 5'6 and 1/2. I've always been subconsciously self-conscious about my height but have recently been obsessed with it since I met the girl of my dreams. She's about an inch taller than me, not a huge difference, but enough for me to notice. She doesn't seem to mind that I am shorter but more than I've ever thought before, my height is bothering me. I believe this to be the case for two reasons: first of all, I have a fear that once the initial passion of this new relationship leaves, she will see my 'shortcomings' and move on. It's an irrational fear because I know she is a good person...yet I'm having trouble shaking this notion. 2) I am not myself. The height issue is something that goes against my deepest convictions. I hate the fact that I am practically having panic attacks over something so superficial and trivial! I desperately want to rid myself of these illusions because I know that insecurity, more than my height, would ruin the relationship. I know that if I had more self esteem and self confidence, I wouldn't think twice about any of this. The internal abrasiveness is killing me. So how do I move forward? Should I tell her about my insecurity? Tell her that I'm working on it? That I don't want to run from it? It's true. I want to embrace it. I know that if I can embrace it will make me a better and stronger person. I also consider honesty to always be the best policy. Should I just try to deal with this on my own? I am a supporter of exposure philosophy, meaning the more time that passes the more and more I will come to accept my being shorter than her and the less it will bother me. We've only been dating for a few months, but we're both very much into one another. I'm practically leveled by her. Lastly, should I spare her my baggage and check out? I'm an empathetic person and the last thing I want to do is carry on in this relationship only to decide further down the road that this is always going to bother me. Not only would I not be able to handle the constant insecurity and anxiety it causes, but it is DEFINITELY not something I would want to put her through either. I love this girl. She is a beautiful person, and bringing her down does not qualify as anything that I wanted.You should also know that I dated a girl of similar height back in high school, and the only time it bothered me was when she was in heels. Since then, I've only dated women my height or shorter. Somewhere in between, probably do to the fact that I was laid off 3 times in the last year, I lost my self-confidence. I'm 26 years old. What do you suggest I do here?
----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
She'll see your "shortcomings"? Cute! Yes, even if she is a good person, the issue would be your insecurities that could be a deal breaker -- not your height. I see you as an intelligent man. And please continue to think of yourself in that context. Now a mature man with wisdom sees that there are some things he can't change -- and that it's a complete drag to dwell on it when there are areas of his life he can change. I don't think you should bring this up to her, because it would be an insult, in my opinion. She likes you! You'd as much be saying "Gee, I guess you've noticed I'm shorter than you? It bugs the hell out of me. Doesn't it bug the hell out of you?" And you know the adage, "Why would I want to be part of a group that would have me as a member?" That usually ends up with driving a person away. If she doesn't seem bothered by the height difference, I'm not sure why it has to be an issue with you. I have known men who are shorter than I am, and it never made a difference to me. I was the woman who loved the guy with the sense of humor, and a good mind. That's sexy! Of course, there are going to be women who think height would make a difference -- but do you want to be with a woman like that? I think no woman would accept a date with you if that were a criterion. Keep this on the down-low, and let the wonderful aspects of you shine -- and that includes your height. Why? Because it's simply silly to waste anymore time thinking this is an issue in this relationship. If you were to examine a cross-section of partners across the world, you would find many variations in men and women. No one thing defines us. Please stop letting it be the case for you. I do know what I'm talking about -- so can you get on with your life, now, please? I understand, however, that being laid off from a job is a self-esteem blow -- for many people, especially in this lousy economy -- and it can make one feel a bit unworthy. The fear of not being able to put a roof over your head, and making ends meet is a painful way to promote insecurity. I do hope that part of your life has improved.
I'm a shorter guy, 5'6 and 1/2. I've always been subconsciously self-conscious about my height but have recently been obsessed with it since I met the girl of my dreams. She's about an inch taller than me, not a huge difference, but enough for me to notice. She doesn't seem to mind that I am shorter but more than I've ever thought before, my height is bothering me. I believe this to be the case for two reasons: first of all, I have a fear that once the initial passion of this new relationship leaves, she will see my 'shortcomings' and move on. It's an irrational fear because I know she is a good person...yet I'm having trouble shaking this notion. 2) I am not myself. The height issue is something that goes against my deepest convictions. I hate the fact that I am practically having panic attacks over something so superficial and trivial! I desperately want to rid myself of these illusions because I know that insecurity, more than my height, would ruin the relationship. I know that if I had more self esteem and self confidence, I wouldn't think twice about any of this. The internal abrasiveness is killing me. So how do I move forward? Should I tell her about my insecurity? Tell her that I'm working on it? That I don't want to run from it? It's true. I want to embrace it. I know that if I can embrace it will make me a better and stronger person. I also consider honesty to always be the best policy. Should I just try to deal with this on my own? I am a supporter of exposure philosophy, meaning the more time that passes the more and more I will come to accept my being shorter than her and the less it will bother me. We've only been dating for a few months, but we're both very much into one another. I'm practically leveled by her. Lastly, should I spare her my baggage and check out? I'm an empathetic person and the last thing I want to do is carry on in this relationship only to decide further down the road that this is always going to bother me. Not only would I not be able to handle the constant insecurity and anxiety it causes, but it is DEFINITELY not something I would want to put her through either. I love this girl. She is a beautiful person, and bringing her down does not qualify as anything that I wanted.You should also know that I dated a girl of similar height back in high school, and the only time it bothered me was when she was in heels. Since then, I've only dated women my height or shorter. Somewhere in between, probably do to the fact that I was laid off 3 times in the last year, I lost my self-confidence. I'm 26 years old. What do you suggest I do here?
----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
She'll see your "shortcomings"? Cute! Yes, even if she is a good person, the issue would be your insecurities that could be a deal breaker -- not your height. I see you as an intelligent man. And please continue to think of yourself in that context. Now a mature man with wisdom sees that there are some things he can't change -- and that it's a complete drag to dwell on it when there are areas of his life he can change. I don't think you should bring this up to her, because it would be an insult, in my opinion. She likes you! You'd as much be saying "Gee, I guess you've noticed I'm shorter than you? It bugs the hell out of me. Doesn't it bug the hell out of you?" And you know the adage, "Why would I want to be part of a group that would have me as a member?" That usually ends up with driving a person away. If she doesn't seem bothered by the height difference, I'm not sure why it has to be an issue with you. I have known men who are shorter than I am, and it never made a difference to me. I was the woman who loved the guy with the sense of humor, and a good mind. That's sexy! Of course, there are going to be women who think height would make a difference -- but do you want to be with a woman like that? I think no woman would accept a date with you if that were a criterion. Keep this on the down-low, and let the wonderful aspects of you shine -- and that includes your height. Why? Because it's simply silly to waste anymore time thinking this is an issue in this relationship. If you were to examine a cross-section of partners across the world, you would find many variations in men and women. No one thing defines us. Please stop letting it be the case for you. I do know what I'm talking about -- so can you get on with your life, now, please? I understand, however, that being laid off from a job is a self-esteem blow -- for many people, especially in this lousy economy -- and it can make one feel a bit unworthy. The fear of not being able to put a roof over your head, and making ends meet is a painful way to promote insecurity. I do hope that part of your life has improved.
