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Too Late To Save This Relationship?
- By Miss Emily
- Published 11/4/2010
- Relationships - Men
Dear Miss Emily:
I have been in a relationship with a woman for the last 11 years. We have raised our children together, I have a son 15yrs old, she has 2 daughters, 1, 15yrs, the other 19 yrs. We broke up about 2 yrs ago, after she came home out of the blue, after work, and told me she was confused and didn't know what she wanted. We had been living together for about 3 yrs. She asked me to leave, and I did and moved to another house. She dated a couple of guys and I dated, as well. The split lasted 2 half months. She then called me and said she was sorry and that she felt she had made the biggest mistake of her life and just wanted me to come and talk to her. I was hesitant but did it, and she really made me believe she was sorry and just made a mistake. For the next year and half, it seemed almost perfect. She did tell me that part of the problem before was that I had never asked her to marry me, or put a ring on her finger. So in December of 2009, we started looking at rings -- her telling me exactly what she wanted and she just kept telling me and all her family how truly happy she was. I bought the ring and my plan was to give it to her on Oct 30, 2010 when she crossed the finish line of a 15k race. I thought that would be special. Keep in mind, she had never seen the ring. All she knew was that I said I had a plan. In sept of 2010, she started nagging me about seeing the ring and I broke down and told her my plan. She cried and said she was sorry that she had ruined my plan, and I said something along the lines of "Well, I can't give it to you then, now -- but I was still planning on doing it on that date. On Oct 2, she went to a runners party and met a guy. I wasn't at this party. On Oct 3rd she told me she was confused and didn't know what to do -- that she knew I was the best thing for her, but she wasn't the best thing for me. On Oct 4, 2010, she was "in a relationship" with him on facebook. I know the first thing you will say is there had to have been something else going on, but I do know there wasn't -- so for the sake of this conversation, let's assume that is correct. She says they have so much in common, which is mostly the running. Within 4 days, either he was staying overnight at her house, or him with her. There has not been one night they haven't stayed together since then, not one! Her 15 yr old is really struggling with this and, last Sunday night, she told her 15yr old they would be moving in with him at the end of year. He lives 45 miles away, and the 15yr old has never gone to school anywhere besides here. So you can see why she is struggling. She is making such crazy rash decisions. She is renting out her house on a 6 month lease to someone..its all so crazy. But after saying all this, I still love her and feel that we are soul mates. It just feels to me that she is running from me, or us and is not dealing with whatever the problem is -- like cold feet or whatever. I need to know if I feel this way about her, should I fight for her or just let it go? I really need some help!
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
I feel terrible for you. You've invested all this time, and went along with the program only to find out that you are with a woman who wasn't truly invested in this relationship. If you two were in a poker game, I'd commend her for her deft gamesmanship, but you are a caring, loving man -- with a good heart that's been thoroughly beaten up. There might be plenty to love about this woman, you've spent a great deal of your life with her but she, ultimately, wanted the freedom to be with another man. She's made some serious decisions -- to leave her home, uprooting her child, and that does not speak well of her. It's time you see the forest for the trees. While I feel sorry for you, I feel even more sorry for a daughter who is going to be displaced because of her mother's selfish desire to put herself above her child's needs. Take a look at that, as well, and perhaps you'll find it easier to move on.
I have been in a relationship with a woman for the last 11 years. We have raised our children together, I have a son 15yrs old, she has 2 daughters, 1, 15yrs, the other 19 yrs. We broke up about 2 yrs ago, after she came home out of the blue, after work, and told me she was confused and didn't know what she wanted. We had been living together for about 3 yrs. She asked me to leave, and I did and moved to another house. She dated a couple of guys and I dated, as well. The split lasted 2 half months. She then called me and said she was sorry and that she felt she had made the biggest mistake of her life and just wanted me to come and talk to her. I was hesitant but did it, and she really made me believe she was sorry and just made a mistake. For the next year and half, it seemed almost perfect. She did tell me that part of the problem before was that I had never asked her to marry me, or put a ring on her finger. So in December of 2009, we started looking at rings -- her telling me exactly what she wanted and she just kept telling me and all her family how truly happy she was. I bought the ring and my plan was to give it to her on Oct 30, 2010 when she crossed the finish line of a 15k race. I thought that would be special. Keep in mind, she had never seen the ring. All she knew was that I said I had a plan. In sept of 2010, she started nagging me about seeing the ring and I broke down and told her my plan. She cried and said she was sorry that she had ruined my plan, and I said something along the lines of "Well, I can't give it to you then, now -- but I was still planning on doing it on that date. On Oct 2, she went to a runners party and met a guy. I wasn't at this party. On Oct 3rd she told me she was confused and didn't know what to do -- that she knew I was the best thing for her, but she wasn't the best thing for me. On Oct 4, 2010, she was "in a relationship" with him on facebook. I know the first thing you will say is there had to have been something else going on, but I do know there wasn't -- so for the sake of this conversation, let's assume that is correct. She says they have so much in common, which is mostly the running. Within 4 days, either he was staying overnight at her house, or him with her. There has not been one night they haven't stayed together since then, not one! Her 15 yr old is really struggling with this and, last Sunday night, she told her 15yr old they would be moving in with him at the end of year. He lives 45 miles away, and the 15yr old has never gone to school anywhere besides here. So you can see why she is struggling. She is making such crazy rash decisions. She is renting out her house on a 6 month lease to someone..its all so crazy. But after saying all this, I still love her and feel that we are soul mates. It just feels to me that she is running from me, or us and is not dealing with whatever the problem is -- like cold feet or whatever. I need to know if I feel this way about her, should I fight for her or just let it go? I really need some help!
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
I feel terrible for you. You've invested all this time, and went along with the program only to find out that you are with a woman who wasn't truly invested in this relationship. If you two were in a poker game, I'd commend her for her deft gamesmanship, but you are a caring, loving man -- with a good heart that's been thoroughly beaten up. There might be plenty to love about this woman, you've spent a great deal of your life with her but she, ultimately, wanted the freedom to be with another man. She's made some serious decisions -- to leave her home, uprooting her child, and that does not speak well of her. It's time you see the forest for the trees. While I feel sorry for you, I feel even more sorry for a daughter who is going to be displaced because of her mother's selfish desire to put herself above her child's needs. Take a look at that, as well, and perhaps you'll find it easier to move on.
