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Friendship And Honesty
- By Miss Emily
- Published 11/2/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily,
My best friend (he's gay) recently got a new boyfriend. When I first met him, he was really nice and I liked him but, at some point, I found myself getting these major warning signals. The way they started out their relationship wasn't all that great too. My best friend was dating someone at the time and was planning on breaking up with him. But before he did, he cheated on him with the guy who is now his boyfriend. He justified it by the fact he felt his relationship was over with the other guy. When he broke up with his boyfriend, he kept seeing this new guy (who is his boyfriend now). My friend didn't want a new boyfriend, right away, because he wanted to concentrate on school and be studious to get a good GPA. But the new guy just kept pushing and pushing for a relationship with him and he finally caved.....romantic? I don't think so! His new boyfriend turned out to be a real jerk. He says he has a self-concious issue, and he uses that as an excuse to call my friend a slut and assume he's going to cheat on him. And it's hard to explain, but just his general behavior sets off warning signals in my head. I've tried to let my friend know my concerns about his boyfriend, in subtle ways, and sometimes he notices that I'm not 100% myself around him. -- not on purpose though! I end up telling my friend how some of the things this guy does aren't things he should tolerate. He says he'd talk to him about it, but I dont know if he actually does. I find he's violent, and sometimes plain scary. Last night, we went out for Halloween and my friend lost his wallet. His boyfriend started screaming right in his face and called him an idiot! I want to tell my friend, but I feel like he either won't listen cause he's already tired of some of things I say, or he'll end up getting mad at me altogether. It sucks that he already gets the feeling that I don't like his boyfriend who he's starting to get deep feelings for...although i don't understand why. Today he asked me why I wasn't fond of him, and I said I get bad vibes. When he asked what kind of vibes the first word that popped into my head was danger. He had to go but wants me to explain later..What do I do? Should even continue that conversation?
--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------
You don't like your friend's boyfriend for good reason. But I also know any harping on it will only put your friend on the defensive. Simply state what you feel -- the guy is volatile, needy, and you are concerned for him. And that 's it. You don't want to preach to him on how he should live his life, but you've told him how you feel, what you've observed and, ultimately, it's up to him to make the choice to stay, or go. Avoid getting into a situation where you are a constant sounding board when things go wrong with this relationship. Remind him that you had forewarned him, and it's he who needs to do something about it. Friendship does not mean accepting everything a friend throws your way without some constructive input. Honesty is healthy, and if your friend rejects you for being firm (yet kind in your delivery)so be it . Maybe that's one reason I write my advice column. I can give advice and, most of the time, I don't know whether that person has taken it. And although I do think some friends may heed my advice, I also know there are others who will do what they want, no matter what I say. I know, an absurd notion!
My best friend (he's gay) recently got a new boyfriend. When I first met him, he was really nice and I liked him but, at some point, I found myself getting these major warning signals. The way they started out their relationship wasn't all that great too. My best friend was dating someone at the time and was planning on breaking up with him. But before he did, he cheated on him with the guy who is now his boyfriend. He justified it by the fact he felt his relationship was over with the other guy. When he broke up with his boyfriend, he kept seeing this new guy (who is his boyfriend now). My friend didn't want a new boyfriend, right away, because he wanted to concentrate on school and be studious to get a good GPA. But the new guy just kept pushing and pushing for a relationship with him and he finally caved.....romantic? I don't think so! His new boyfriend turned out to be a real jerk. He says he has a self-concious issue, and he uses that as an excuse to call my friend a slut and assume he's going to cheat on him. And it's hard to explain, but just his general behavior sets off warning signals in my head. I've tried to let my friend know my concerns about his boyfriend, in subtle ways, and sometimes he notices that I'm not 100% myself around him. -- not on purpose though! I end up telling my friend how some of the things this guy does aren't things he should tolerate. He says he'd talk to him about it, but I dont know if he actually does. I find he's violent, and sometimes plain scary. Last night, we went out for Halloween and my friend lost his wallet. His boyfriend started screaming right in his face and called him an idiot! I want to tell my friend, but I feel like he either won't listen cause he's already tired of some of things I say, or he'll end up getting mad at me altogether. It sucks that he already gets the feeling that I don't like his boyfriend who he's starting to get deep feelings for...although i don't understand why. Today he asked me why I wasn't fond of him, and I said I get bad vibes. When he asked what kind of vibes the first word that popped into my head was danger. He had to go but wants me to explain later..What do I do? Should even continue that conversation?
--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------
You don't like your friend's boyfriend for good reason. But I also know any harping on it will only put your friend on the defensive. Simply state what you feel -- the guy is volatile, needy, and you are concerned for him. And that 's it. You don't want to preach to him on how he should live his life, but you've told him how you feel, what you've observed and, ultimately, it's up to him to make the choice to stay, or go. Avoid getting into a situation where you are a constant sounding board when things go wrong with this relationship. Remind him that you had forewarned him, and it's he who needs to do something about it. Friendship does not mean accepting everything a friend throws your way without some constructive input. Honesty is healthy, and if your friend rejects you for being firm (yet kind in your delivery)so be it . Maybe that's one reason I write my advice column. I can give advice and, most of the time, I don't know whether that person has taken it. And although I do think some friends may heed my advice, I also know there are others who will do what they want, no matter what I say. I know, an absurd notion!
