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- So Much For Charisma
So Much For Charisma
- By Miss Emily
- Published 10/26/2010
- Relationships - Women
Miss Emily,
Due to the economy I am currently working a part-time job and am constantly looking for supplemental work or a better position. The job I have now I am extremely over- qualified, and I am barely scrapping by. It has been a hard and depressing year and I often feel like a failure. At the beginning of this year, I moved in to my boyfriend's apartment an put of my stuff in storage. In addition to not working, living together has been a major adjustment. My boyfriend is emotionally unavailable and a bit of a control freak. I was not aware of the extent of this until I moved into his place. Tonight, I came home and needed to cry for a bit, as I just feel terrible about my situation and I need to let it out. Unfortunately, I seem to cry a few times a week. My boyfriend is mad that I get upset like this and tells me I need to try harder. I try to deal with this on my own. I don't bother him as he always makes me feel worse. He can't ever just give me a hug and say "I love you." "You are special and good person etc.... Even when I ask him, he can't do it because he doesn't understand. This makes me even more depressed. Is this healthy??? In addition, I almost always initiate intimacy with him. And this makes me needy since he rarely initiates it.We do not have constructive disagreements. He is always right, in any disagreement and I am always wrong. He can't validate my feelings ever! He has also given me a couple ultimatums and threatens to leave me if I don't do what he wants. I am painting a grim picture here I know. In his defense, he is a very generous and charismatic person who is well thought of by many. He is a very fun and interesting person. I am extremely attracted to him. I am just SO CONFUSED. I am tired of feeling bad about myself around him. It isn't all the time, but I don't think I should have to defend myself against him. I have suggested to him that we go to counseling but he refuses to go. I don't know what to do. I need advice from someone who isn't a friend or family member as they will always be on my side regardless. What do you think?
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
Taking into account that your self-esteem has taken a hit because of your job situation and, as a result, you are extremely sensitive, I don't care if your boyfriend is very generous and charismatic -- he lacks the sensitivity to be a stand-up guy to you during your tenuous situation. An inability to be compassionate, at a time you need it most, does not speak well of him. I'd face that fact, and find other living arrangements. You don't want to feel beholden to him, nor subservient. Ultimately, he'll never be the right man for you based on what you have said. Again, charisma and generosity is not a recipe for a truly loving heart. If that were true, Hitler would not have been the tyrant he was. I'm not comparing your boyfriend to Hitler, but you get what I'm trying to say. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be.
Due to the economy I am currently working a part-time job and am constantly looking for supplemental work or a better position. The job I have now I am extremely over- qualified, and I am barely scrapping by. It has been a hard and depressing year and I often feel like a failure. At the beginning of this year, I moved in to my boyfriend's apartment an put of my stuff in storage. In addition to not working, living together has been a major adjustment. My boyfriend is emotionally unavailable and a bit of a control freak. I was not aware of the extent of this until I moved into his place. Tonight, I came home and needed to cry for a bit, as I just feel terrible about my situation and I need to let it out. Unfortunately, I seem to cry a few times a week. My boyfriend is mad that I get upset like this and tells me I need to try harder. I try to deal with this on my own. I don't bother him as he always makes me feel worse. He can't ever just give me a hug and say "I love you." "You are special and good person etc.... Even when I ask him, he can't do it because he doesn't understand. This makes me even more depressed. Is this healthy??? In addition, I almost always initiate intimacy with him. And this makes me needy since he rarely initiates it.We do not have constructive disagreements. He is always right, in any disagreement and I am always wrong. He can't validate my feelings ever! He has also given me a couple ultimatums and threatens to leave me if I don't do what he wants. I am painting a grim picture here I know. In his defense, he is a very generous and charismatic person who is well thought of by many. He is a very fun and interesting person. I am extremely attracted to him. I am just SO CONFUSED. I am tired of feeling bad about myself around him. It isn't all the time, but I don't think I should have to defend myself against him. I have suggested to him that we go to counseling but he refuses to go. I don't know what to do. I need advice from someone who isn't a friend or family member as they will always be on my side regardless. What do you think?
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
Taking into account that your self-esteem has taken a hit because of your job situation and, as a result, you are extremely sensitive, I don't care if your boyfriend is very generous and charismatic -- he lacks the sensitivity to be a stand-up guy to you during your tenuous situation. An inability to be compassionate, at a time you need it most, does not speak well of him. I'd face that fact, and find other living arrangements. You don't want to feel beholden to him, nor subservient. Ultimately, he'll never be the right man for you based on what you have said. Again, charisma and generosity is not a recipe for a truly loving heart. If that were true, Hitler would not have been the tyrant he was. I'm not comparing your boyfriend to Hitler, but you get what I'm trying to say. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be.
