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His Female Best Friend
- By Miss Emily
- Published 10/14/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emly:
My boyfriend of 3 years (off and on) has a female best friend that I have really mixed feelings about. They've been friends since high school and she is now dating his cousin (his other best friend) and lives in the same town as us. She and I have not always gotten along and when he and I were going through some hard times she had no problem expressing her negative opinions about me. In the past he has ignored my texts or calls while he's hanging out with her and it's rare that we will all do something together. The other day he said she was like his sister and even though she does things that annoy him or bother him, he puts up with it because she's like family. When I asked "what about me?" he said that it was different and basically said that he didn't have to put up with the same kind of things from me and he could leave whenever he got tired of it. This really hurt and confused me because, while I obviously don't want to be thought of as his sister, it makes it seem like his relationship with her is not only closer but he has more loyalty. There has never been any sort of romantic relationship between them and that's not my concern, but I've never been in this situation and I don't know if it's normal. He is not a very openly emotional person and keeps almost everything to himself, so I know he's not hiding anything, but I can't help but feel hurt that he feels more strongly about his relationship with her than he does with me. He argues that they've known each other longer and it's a different kind of relationship but I just don't know.
---------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------
He does have tremendous loyalty to this woman, and when he says she's like family, that means she stands to be around for a long time. If you think you want any long term relationship with this man -- like marriage -- this is all going to have to be settled before anything like that happens. And it shouldn't be that jealousy would come into play, or he'd have to choose between her and you -- it would only mean that you come first in his life and, when he's with her, he doesn't ignore your phone calls but makes you his number one priority. As it stands now, he's made his statement on the subject, and being angry that he ignores your calls when she's around, she doesn't really care for you, and you're not invited to hang out with them is falling on deaf ears. I'd pretty much have to understand that this is who he is, where he stands, and that he has a tremendous bond with her. You're going to have to accept it, or move on because no one wants to feel like last night's leftovers to someone who offers a steak dinner. When you said, "He's not very emotional, and keeps everything to himself -- so I know he's not hiding anything," I'm confused. People who keep almost everything to themselves are more likely to be hiding something than those who are open books. It could be a sign of emotional weakness, or an inability to get in touch with one's true feelings.
My boyfriend of 3 years (off and on) has a female best friend that I have really mixed feelings about. They've been friends since high school and she is now dating his cousin (his other best friend) and lives in the same town as us. She and I have not always gotten along and when he and I were going through some hard times she had no problem expressing her negative opinions about me. In the past he has ignored my texts or calls while he's hanging out with her and it's rare that we will all do something together. The other day he said she was like his sister and even though she does things that annoy him or bother him, he puts up with it because she's like family. When I asked "what about me?" he said that it was different and basically said that he didn't have to put up with the same kind of things from me and he could leave whenever he got tired of it. This really hurt and confused me because, while I obviously don't want to be thought of as his sister, it makes it seem like his relationship with her is not only closer but he has more loyalty. There has never been any sort of romantic relationship between them and that's not my concern, but I've never been in this situation and I don't know if it's normal. He is not a very openly emotional person and keeps almost everything to himself, so I know he's not hiding anything, but I can't help but feel hurt that he feels more strongly about his relationship with her than he does with me. He argues that they've known each other longer and it's a different kind of relationship but I just don't know.
---------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------
He does have tremendous loyalty to this woman, and when he says she's like family, that means she stands to be around for a long time. If you think you want any long term relationship with this man -- like marriage -- this is all going to have to be settled before anything like that happens. And it shouldn't be that jealousy would come into play, or he'd have to choose between her and you -- it would only mean that you come first in his life and, when he's with her, he doesn't ignore your phone calls but makes you his number one priority. As it stands now, he's made his statement on the subject, and being angry that he ignores your calls when she's around, she doesn't really care for you, and you're not invited to hang out with them is falling on deaf ears. I'd pretty much have to understand that this is who he is, where he stands, and that he has a tremendous bond with her. You're going to have to accept it, or move on because no one wants to feel like last night's leftovers to someone who offers a steak dinner. When you said, "He's not very emotional, and keeps everything to himself -- so I know he's not hiding anything," I'm confused. People who keep almost everything to themselves are more likely to be hiding something than those who are open books. It could be a sign of emotional weakness, or an inability to get in touch with one's true feelings.
