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Has He Moved On?
- By Miss Emily
- Published 10/12/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
So, I have a 3-year-old with my ex-boyfriend. I got pregnant very early in our relationship. We had been on and off for a good portion of our relationship. While we have a lot of good memories, there was a lot of bad things that happened too. I know that we loved each other a lot because we tried to make our relationship work for a long time even though neither of us were getting what we needed out of the relationship. I moved out with my daughter and for about 6 months after I moved out, we were still intimate but he said that he didn't want a relationship because we had already been down that road and it didn't work. But for some reason I DID want to try again. For the last year of our relationship, he paid most of the bills and I was unhappy because I didn't have a job that I liked and I didn't feel independent or confident. I feel I took this out on him and so he felt resentful and we just fell out of love with each other. But when I moved out, I found a job that I love and I gained my independence back. I started going out with my friends more and overall just feeling fulfilled, except for the fact that I regretted being so mean to him in our relationship. I started reflecting on what I could have done better in the relationshipa and it really opened my eyes to the fact that I had a good guy and I didn't always treat him in a loving way. So anyway, we finally stopped being intimate about 4 months ago. Then I was devastated to find out that he was seeing a 31-year-old woman (he is 26) with 2 kids. It broke my heart. I felt like he never wanted to settle down and be a family when he was with me...that's why I didn't feel fulfilled in the relationship. But here he is with someone who has 2 kids. Obviously, he just didn't want to have a family with ME. Then I really regretted how I acted in the relationship. What I should really think is, Ok, the reason our relationship didn't work is because our personalities clash, blah blah blah, and it wasn't meant to be. But for some reason all I feel is rejection, and sadness for how I treated him. I told him that I felt bad for my end of the failing of the relationship and that I still loved him and wanted to be with him. He said he wanted to see where this was going with this girl. He has been dating this girl for 3 months now and says he's very happy. I want to be happy for him, but I want the girl he's with to be me. In between those 3 months of dating her, he was dropping off our daughter and my house one night and he said he felt so bad for how things happened and that he still cared about me and wanted me to be happy -- and that he should have never made me feel bad for wanting to settle down, all the while he is crying which is very unlike him. I was shocked! He was not telling me he wanted me back, I think he just needed to get out the fact that he felt bad for hurting me and that he actually was devastated when our relationship ended. I know he still cares for me, but I often wonder if he's confused. The other night, I was having excruciating back pain and, for some reason, I called him to cry and vent about it. At that time, he was at his girlfriend's house. Then he surprised me by coming over to my house with ibuprofen and to see how I was doing. This just confused me. We are still friends and talk to each other on a pretty regular basis, but I felt like that was overly nice. Or maybe I'm just looking too much into it because I want him to care about me in more than just a friendly way. I also feel confused because he has completely changed who he is for this girl. He rarely ever goes out with his friends, or spends alone time with himself. He is always with this girl and has even talked about moving in with her. It's been 3 months!! I feel like he is going so fast with this girl, it feels like a rebound. Am I just feeling rejected and that's why I want him back? Does it sound like he's confused or he's rebounding? How do I move on when all I do is think about him and want to be with him?
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------
There does seem to be some unfinished business with you two. All that has gone on between you and him, however, produced open wounds that may never truly heal -- and they must, if you ever have the opportunity to move forward with him in the relationship you think you want. He's on a new journey, yet the newness of it is more than likely the biggest draw. The fact that he said he might move in with her seems incredibly premature, seeing that he was more than ready to jump to your aid when you needed him. He cares for you, a great deal, and that is something that has not changed. Let him play this out without you making him feel as if he's making the biggest mistake of his life. You have the bigger draw, I would think, if he did want to settle down. You and he have a child together. If you have truly changed, in that you are happier now, be his friend and let him see the new, and improved you -- without pressure, without prying into all aspects of his life, and without any guilt that he is playing a role in the lives of the children of this woman. As painful as it is to observe, a patient, watchful eye is best and, perhaps, you and he will find greater insight and find your way back to each other. There are no guarantees this will turn out the way you think you want, but your maturity and understanding are going to be your ace in the hole -- by letting him know you love him enough to let him find his way. Part of what you feel is rejection, but he just met this woman three months ago and, although you have thoughts of him walking down the isle with her, those visions are ahead of the game . Reality always outweighs expectation, and it is as true for him as it is for you. Be his friend, share the daughter you have together, and continue to get your house in order. If you truly have changed, and let the anger and the fault you found with him, previously, go, he'll notice and, then, you can see where it takes you. I wish you well.
So, I have a 3-year-old with my ex-boyfriend. I got pregnant very early in our relationship. We had been on and off for a good portion of our relationship. While we have a lot of good memories, there was a lot of bad things that happened too. I know that we loved each other a lot because we tried to make our relationship work for a long time even though neither of us were getting what we needed out of the relationship. I moved out with my daughter and for about 6 months after I moved out, we were still intimate but he said that he didn't want a relationship because we had already been down that road and it didn't work. But for some reason I DID want to try again. For the last year of our relationship, he paid most of the bills and I was unhappy because I didn't have a job that I liked and I didn't feel independent or confident. I feel I took this out on him and so he felt resentful and we just fell out of love with each other. But when I moved out, I found a job that I love and I gained my independence back. I started going out with my friends more and overall just feeling fulfilled, except for the fact that I regretted being so mean to him in our relationship. I started reflecting on what I could have done better in the relationshipa and it really opened my eyes to the fact that I had a good guy and I didn't always treat him in a loving way. So anyway, we finally stopped being intimate about 4 months ago. Then I was devastated to find out that he was seeing a 31-year-old woman (he is 26) with 2 kids. It broke my heart. I felt like he never wanted to settle down and be a family when he was with me...that's why I didn't feel fulfilled in the relationship. But here he is with someone who has 2 kids. Obviously, he just didn't want to have a family with ME. Then I really regretted how I acted in the relationship. What I should really think is, Ok, the reason our relationship didn't work is because our personalities clash, blah blah blah, and it wasn't meant to be. But for some reason all I feel is rejection, and sadness for how I treated him. I told him that I felt bad for my end of the failing of the relationship and that I still loved him and wanted to be with him. He said he wanted to see where this was going with this girl. He has been dating this girl for 3 months now and says he's very happy. I want to be happy for him, but I want the girl he's with to be me. In between those 3 months of dating her, he was dropping off our daughter and my house one night and he said he felt so bad for how things happened and that he still cared about me and wanted me to be happy -- and that he should have never made me feel bad for wanting to settle down, all the while he is crying which is very unlike him. I was shocked! He was not telling me he wanted me back, I think he just needed to get out the fact that he felt bad for hurting me and that he actually was devastated when our relationship ended. I know he still cares for me, but I often wonder if he's confused. The other night, I was having excruciating back pain and, for some reason, I called him to cry and vent about it. At that time, he was at his girlfriend's house. Then he surprised me by coming over to my house with ibuprofen and to see how I was doing. This just confused me. We are still friends and talk to each other on a pretty regular basis, but I felt like that was overly nice. Or maybe I'm just looking too much into it because I want him to care about me in more than just a friendly way. I also feel confused because he has completely changed who he is for this girl. He rarely ever goes out with his friends, or spends alone time with himself. He is always with this girl and has even talked about moving in with her. It's been 3 months!! I feel like he is going so fast with this girl, it feels like a rebound. Am I just feeling rejected and that's why I want him back? Does it sound like he's confused or he's rebounding? How do I move on when all I do is think about him and want to be with him?
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------
There does seem to be some unfinished business with you two. All that has gone on between you and him, however, produced open wounds that may never truly heal -- and they must, if you ever have the opportunity to move forward with him in the relationship you think you want. He's on a new journey, yet the newness of it is more than likely the biggest draw. The fact that he said he might move in with her seems incredibly premature, seeing that he was more than ready to jump to your aid when you needed him. He cares for you, a great deal, and that is something that has not changed. Let him play this out without you making him feel as if he's making the biggest mistake of his life. You have the bigger draw, I would think, if he did want to settle down. You and he have a child together. If you have truly changed, in that you are happier now, be his friend and let him see the new, and improved you -- without pressure, without prying into all aspects of his life, and without any guilt that he is playing a role in the lives of the children of this woman. As painful as it is to observe, a patient, watchful eye is best and, perhaps, you and he will find greater insight and find your way back to each other. There are no guarantees this will turn out the way you think you want, but your maturity and understanding are going to be your ace in the hole -- by letting him know you love him enough to let him find his way. Part of what you feel is rejection, but he just met this woman three months ago and, although you have thoughts of him walking down the isle with her, those visions are ahead of the game . Reality always outweighs expectation, and it is as true for him as it is for you. Be his friend, share the daughter you have together, and continue to get your house in order. If you truly have changed, and let the anger and the fault you found with him, previously, go, he'll notice and, then, you can see where it takes you. I wish you well.
