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How Long Should She Wait For Marriage Commitment?
- By Miss Emily
- Published 10/9/2010
- Relationships - Women
Hi Emily,
I have been dating my bf for a little over 2 years now. He is the love of my life. We have had a great relationship, thus far, or so I thought. I have known since about 9 months in, that he is 'the one' for me. A couple months ago, I brought up the topic of marriage. At first, he wasn't ready to even talk about it. A couple months later, he was ok to talk about it and even looked at rings online with me (his idea.) Now, as of 10-7-10, he is not ready and feels like I am pressuring him and forcing my thoughts about marriage on him. I feel very frustrated. If I ask him if he feels our relationship is even pointing in the direction of marriage, or if I ask how long does he think it will be before he might be ready, he says things like: I (as in me) need to better myself, I need to impress him, I need to surprise him. All of those things make me feel like he is buying time by creating excuses for why he is not ready to commit. It makes me feel like he is happy to have the perks with out any of the costs associated with the ultimate committment of marriage. I just don't understand why he is so afraid of it. He says he is only doing this, once, and wants to be S-U-R-E he does it right. He wants to know me 100% BEFORE he will consider marriage. I ask him what he wants to know, or how I can help him feel like he knows me to the level he wants to know a person before marriage, and his answer is for me to be myself. I know that he cares about me. I know that he loves me. I know he someday wants to be married and have a family. I just don't understand why it is taking him so long to decide. I mean, isn't 2 years enough time to know if the person you are with is the right one for you (or not?) We don't live together. We only see eachother on the weekends, and occasionally one night during the week. It's like he can have the single life, and couple life. He has his cake and
d can eat it, too. I am ready, he is not, is the bottom line. How long should I wait? How long should I take the topic off the table, be patient (because I love him) and see if he comes around? How long is too long? I'm 27, he's 29. I know we're still young but, to complicate things, I feel my biological clock is ticking. I don't want to waste my youth, but he is a good man and I don't want to throw it all away for impatience. I feel lost at this point. Advice?
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
You need to realize that it works to your disadvantage to pressure someone into making a decision like marriage. Without giving him too much credit, he's right in putting you off if he's not ready. If he were to acquiesce, and agree to marriage just to release himself from what he considers to be an incessant attempt for you to get your way -- you wouldn't want that because, somewhere down the line, he would use it against you. You have your integrity at stake, in this matter and, because he has made certain demands from you before he would consider marriage -- better yourself -- impress him -- surprise him -- I'd take a hard look at what's he's saying here. Maybe he is trying to put you off, but I think he's also sincere in these demands -- and I, personally, don't like it. You are who you are and, if he wants you to be something different, that's the real crux of the problem. Nothing is more hurtful than finding out you didn't measure up to your mate, when you thought you did and, all along, he (or she) was expecting you to change. It's not that uncommon to want this prior to marriage -- but after marriage, it's a blow to the ego and a task that becomes almost insurmountable. He has to love you for who you are, now, not something he hopes you can become. Yes, I do understand that certain parts of us can always be improved, but the basic nature of who we are is something that makes us unique. Back off on any talk of marriage, and let him know that you have decided he's right. If he doesn't think marriage to you is the right thing, presently, maybe it's time for you to entertain the idea that maybe he's not right for you, at this time, either. I'd give the relationship another year to see where it's headed, once you embrace a new attitude. You have to know this man loves you for you, and he needs to prove that before you'd ever walk down the isle with him. Self-respect is the name-of-the-game, and I'd start showing it. The biological clock ticks a lot longer, these days, and I'd not worry about that until it's actually a viable concern.
I have been dating my bf for a little over 2 years now. He is the love of my life. We have had a great relationship, thus far, or so I thought. I have known since about 9 months in, that he is 'the one' for me. A couple months ago, I brought up the topic of marriage. At first, he wasn't ready to even talk about it. A couple months later, he was ok to talk about it and even looked at rings online with me (his idea.) Now, as of 10-7-10, he is not ready and feels like I am pressuring him and forcing my thoughts about marriage on him. I feel very frustrated. If I ask him if he feels our relationship is even pointing in the direction of marriage, or if I ask how long does he think it will be before he might be ready, he says things like: I (as in me) need to better myself, I need to impress him, I need to surprise him. All of those things make me feel like he is buying time by creating excuses for why he is not ready to commit. It makes me feel like he is happy to have the perks with out any of the costs associated with the ultimate committment of marriage. I just don't understand why he is so afraid of it. He says he is only doing this, once, and wants to be S-U-R-E he does it right. He wants to know me 100% BEFORE he will consider marriage. I ask him what he wants to know, or how I can help him feel like he knows me to the level he wants to know a person before marriage, and his answer is for me to be myself. I know that he cares about me. I know that he loves me. I know he someday wants to be married and have a family. I just don't understand why it is taking him so long to decide. I mean, isn't 2 years enough time to know if the person you are with is the right one for you (or not?) We don't live together. We only see eachother on the weekends, and occasionally one night during the week. It's like he can have the single life, and couple life. He has his cake and
d can eat it, too. I am ready, he is not, is the bottom line. How long should I wait? How long should I take the topic off the table, be patient (because I love him) and see if he comes around? How long is too long? I'm 27, he's 29. I know we're still young but, to complicate things, I feel my biological clock is ticking. I don't want to waste my youth, but he is a good man and I don't want to throw it all away for impatience. I feel lost at this point. Advice?
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
You need to realize that it works to your disadvantage to pressure someone into making a decision like marriage. Without giving him too much credit, he's right in putting you off if he's not ready. If he were to acquiesce, and agree to marriage just to release himself from what he considers to be an incessant attempt for you to get your way -- you wouldn't want that because, somewhere down the line, he would use it against you. You have your integrity at stake, in this matter and, because he has made certain demands from you before he would consider marriage -- better yourself -- impress him -- surprise him -- I'd take a hard look at what's he's saying here. Maybe he is trying to put you off, but I think he's also sincere in these demands -- and I, personally, don't like it. You are who you are and, if he wants you to be something different, that's the real crux of the problem. Nothing is more hurtful than finding out you didn't measure up to your mate, when you thought you did and, all along, he (or she) was expecting you to change. It's not that uncommon to want this prior to marriage -- but after marriage, it's a blow to the ego and a task that becomes almost insurmountable. He has to love you for who you are, now, not something he hopes you can become. Yes, I do understand that certain parts of us can always be improved, but the basic nature of who we are is something that makes us unique. Back off on any talk of marriage, and let him know that you have decided he's right. If he doesn't think marriage to you is the right thing, presently, maybe it's time for you to entertain the idea that maybe he's not right for you, at this time, either. I'd give the relationship another year to see where it's headed, once you embrace a new attitude. You have to know this man loves you for you, and he needs to prove that before you'd ever walk down the isle with him. Self-respect is the name-of-the-game, and I'd start showing it. The biological clock ticks a lot longer, these days, and I'd not worry about that until it's actually a viable concern.
