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Too Soon To Marry
- By Miss Emily
- Published 09/20/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily,
This is a really tough situation and I'd appreciate any help you can give me. Here's a bit of background on our relationship. My boyfriend is 24 and I'm 19. We've been together for the past year. Due to our complicated situation (he joined the military, and I'm about to join as well), we've been long distance for the past 7.5 months. I love him dearly, I think. I'm not sure if it's love or not as I don't have the lovey-dovey feelings like we used to have in the beginning of the relationship, the infatuation stage. I do, however, care for him very deeply. He's the only boyfriend I've had that I've been completely physically attracted to, the only one who I found to be intelligently stimulating. But we've been apart for 7.5 months. We talk everyday for hours on the phone and we don't have much to say lately. He's very anti-social and, obviously, not very outgoing. I find myself to be very outgoing, but not much lately. I don't know if it's because I'm away from school and friends that I used to feed off of to be more outgoing, but when I'm around him we're very comfortable, but don't have as much fun as my friends seem to have in their relationships. I am super comfortable with him and I love a lot about him, including the funny way he laughs and the way he walks, and how he's always reading. But at the same time, I'm sometimes annoyed with the way he talks and how we don't have enough in common. I'm not sure what to do anymore, but the biggest problem of all of this is that we have to make a decision to get married and be stationed together or to break up. With both of us in the military there is no other way. When I think of losing him, it makes me tear up and cry. But at the same time, I thought relationships were supposed to be more magical and we were supposed to like each other all the time. I'm just not sure anymore. Please help?
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
If all relationships were magical, 50% of them wouldn't end in divorce. I see that you care very deeply for him, and he has many attributes, I am sure -- but you and he don't have that much in common, and I think he could fall into a "good friend" category, more than a mate in a marriage. Friendship should be a cornerstone of a solid committed relationship, as well as trust, and respect -- but also mutual interests and, in most cases, compatibility in your social outlets. Opposites do attract, but that tends to wane, in time, and it takes two extremely secure individuals to not be, eventually, threatened or hurt when each person's life pursuits conflict. My opinion: I don't think you're ready to marry this man. You either know him all too well, or you don't know him well enough. But either way, I don't believe it would be wise for you to commit when, at this point, the odds of success are not in your favor.
This is a really tough situation and I'd appreciate any help you can give me. Here's a bit of background on our relationship. My boyfriend is 24 and I'm 19. We've been together for the past year. Due to our complicated situation (he joined the military, and I'm about to join as well), we've been long distance for the past 7.5 months. I love him dearly, I think. I'm not sure if it's love or not as I don't have the lovey-dovey feelings like we used to have in the beginning of the relationship, the infatuation stage. I do, however, care for him very deeply. He's the only boyfriend I've had that I've been completely physically attracted to, the only one who I found to be intelligently stimulating. But we've been apart for 7.5 months. We talk everyday for hours on the phone and we don't have much to say lately. He's very anti-social and, obviously, not very outgoing. I find myself to be very outgoing, but not much lately. I don't know if it's because I'm away from school and friends that I used to feed off of to be more outgoing, but when I'm around him we're very comfortable, but don't have as much fun as my friends seem to have in their relationships. I am super comfortable with him and I love a lot about him, including the funny way he laughs and the way he walks, and how he's always reading. But at the same time, I'm sometimes annoyed with the way he talks and how we don't have enough in common. I'm not sure what to do anymore, but the biggest problem of all of this is that we have to make a decision to get married and be stationed together or to break up. With both of us in the military there is no other way. When I think of losing him, it makes me tear up and cry. But at the same time, I thought relationships were supposed to be more magical and we were supposed to like each other all the time. I'm just not sure anymore. Please help?
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
If all relationships were magical, 50% of them wouldn't end in divorce. I see that you care very deeply for him, and he has many attributes, I am sure -- but you and he don't have that much in common, and I think he could fall into a "good friend" category, more than a mate in a marriage. Friendship should be a cornerstone of a solid committed relationship, as well as trust, and respect -- but also mutual interests and, in most cases, compatibility in your social outlets. Opposites do attract, but that tends to wane, in time, and it takes two extremely secure individuals to not be, eventually, threatened or hurt when each person's life pursuits conflict. My opinion: I don't think you're ready to marry this man. You either know him all too well, or you don't know him well enough. But either way, I don't believe it would be wise for you to commit when, at this point, the odds of success are not in your favor.
