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Unreasonable Demands
- By Miss Emily
- Published 09/18/2010
- Relationships - Men
Emily:
I am having a lot of difficulty dealing with my girlfriends priorities. I live in the UK and my girlfriend is Peruvian and is currently acting as an au pair in Germany. We talk every day in the evenings from 7:30 to 10:30 but, recently, we've been arguing. Some days, I want to do other things with my friends like go to the theatre, have a drink at a bar or just hang about for one evening and she is getting very depressed and accuses me of not loving her as much as she loves me. She tells me that she devotes every evening for me, entirely, and she's getting sad because I am not doing the same. I love her completely, but there are times where I need to be either by myself or away from her. She takes it personally, and gets very angry and upset because of it. I have to respect her feelings on this matter, but I feel like I'm being chained down and unable to decide things for myself. She just doesn't want me around other people when she is not there it seems. It's fine when we are together, but she is overseas so there is nothing I can do about it. To make matters worse, she has a history of depression and self harm, as well as having an eating disorder -- so if I tell her "I have a life outside of you, you know" then I fear she can harm herself and that would hurt me. She cannot afford professional help, and she will not allow herself to be with any of her friends in the evening for my sake, even though it doesn't bother me. Because of this, she has no strong ties with friends, anyway. Please can you help me!
--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
You are in a pickle! You have a girlfriend who has turned you into a parent, part therapist, and enabler. She is unhappy, she feels alone, and she wants you to be in the same boat for her sake. You have every right to socialize with friends, it's a normal part of life, and she needs to adjust to that part of the relationship. I know you somehow feel responsible for her well-being, but that is the wrong approach. A support system to her is one thing, but it should not alter your life in a way that drains you of your desire to live your life, on your terms. Being in a relationship does require compromise, but she wants to control it from another country, and it has caused this sense of powerlessness within you. She has huge psychological issues if she's depressed, self-harming, and has an eating disorder and, unless you are a therapist, or doctor, there are limitations on what you can do for her. She should seek medical help and, I am sure, in Germany, a trip to the doctor to get on an anti-depressant would not be prohibitive because of cost. Continue to reassure her that you love her, but trust, and respect are the central parts of any good relationship. She needs to understand that your desire to socialize should not be seen as a threat, but only an outlet to a hard working day. She's essentially holding you hostage to her own depression, and feelings of loss of control. Again, give her all the emotional support you can, but do not risk your own heath and well-being because you are caught in a relationship controlled by guilt, and relentless self-sacrifice.
I am having a lot of difficulty dealing with my girlfriends priorities. I live in the UK and my girlfriend is Peruvian and is currently acting as an au pair in Germany. We talk every day in the evenings from 7:30 to 10:30 but, recently, we've been arguing. Some days, I want to do other things with my friends like go to the theatre, have a drink at a bar or just hang about for one evening and she is getting very depressed and accuses me of not loving her as much as she loves me. She tells me that she devotes every evening for me, entirely, and she's getting sad because I am not doing the same. I love her completely, but there are times where I need to be either by myself or away from her. She takes it personally, and gets very angry and upset because of it. I have to respect her feelings on this matter, but I feel like I'm being chained down and unable to decide things for myself. She just doesn't want me around other people when she is not there it seems. It's fine when we are together, but she is overseas so there is nothing I can do about it. To make matters worse, she has a history of depression and self harm, as well as having an eating disorder -- so if I tell her "I have a life outside of you, you know" then I fear she can harm herself and that would hurt me. She cannot afford professional help, and she will not allow herself to be with any of her friends in the evening for my sake, even though it doesn't bother me. Because of this, she has no strong ties with friends, anyway. Please can you help me!
--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
You are in a pickle! You have a girlfriend who has turned you into a parent, part therapist, and enabler. She is unhappy, she feels alone, and she wants you to be in the same boat for her sake. You have every right to socialize with friends, it's a normal part of life, and she needs to adjust to that part of the relationship. I know you somehow feel responsible for her well-being, but that is the wrong approach. A support system to her is one thing, but it should not alter your life in a way that drains you of your desire to live your life, on your terms. Being in a relationship does require compromise, but she wants to control it from another country, and it has caused this sense of powerlessness within you. She has huge psychological issues if she's depressed, self-harming, and has an eating disorder and, unless you are a therapist, or doctor, there are limitations on what you can do for her. She should seek medical help and, I am sure, in Germany, a trip to the doctor to get on an anti-depressant would not be prohibitive because of cost. Continue to reassure her that you love her, but trust, and respect are the central parts of any good relationship. She needs to understand that your desire to socialize should not be seen as a threat, but only an outlet to a hard working day. She's essentially holding you hostage to her own depression, and feelings of loss of control. Again, give her all the emotional support you can, but do not risk your own heath and well-being because you are caught in a relationship controlled by guilt, and relentless self-sacrifice.
