- Home
- Relationships - Teens
- Mom Revisits Sex With Ex
Mom Revisits Sex With Ex
- By Miss Emily
- Published 09/10/2010
- Relationships - Teens
Dear Miss Emily:
Ok. So my mother doesn't know I am writing this, but I need to absolutely let her know that what she is doing is not healthy/right for anyone. I just found out that my father and mother, although they have been divorced for many years and have been arguing on and off like crazy, have been having sex. I wouldn't really care about it so much because it's there business and not mine, but it starts to become my problem when my mother is crying her eyes out one night and won't tell me why. I got it out of her, though, and that is how I found out about them. My mom feels so bad about herself. She is ashamed and she wants to get rid of him, somewhere in her heart. But then, she even said it, she is like putty in his hands. To this day, and it has been almost a month since I found out, she still does it and gives him money all of the time. What really takes the cake, though, is finding out that the reason she feels so bad is because she still likes him and all he wants to do is have sex with her with no relationship attached. My mom is not the kind of person to not want a relationship in the mixture. I personally feel that if you are having sex with someone, then you have to AT LEAST be in a real relationship. Apparently my dad says, "This is not a relationship! How come you can't handle this! All we are doing is having sex! Stop adding a relationship to it!" Now you and I both know that this just isn't right. But the more I try to explain it to my mom, the more she doesn't understand. It's frustrating! What can I tell her,or show her, or make her read/watch that will make her see that she needs to end it with this guy, my father?! :( By the way, did I mention that he was her first boyfriend? Oy vey!
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
You are absolutely wonderful for caring the way you do, but I'm not sure you can be of any real help in this matter. I'm always a bit put-off by a parent who exhibits such little control but she, too, is human, and capable of causing great heartache in her life. Your mother would need to get to the root of why she'd allow herself to be treated in this manner, but I would suspect she is lonely for attention and it makes it easier to succumb to your father's advances. More than likely, she sees him as her first, and only love. But although she cries, and seems unfulfilled, she is making a choice by sleeping with him, and she, alone, is responsible for that choice. But like the alcoholic who cannot stop drinking, so may it be true for your mother in this respect -- unless, of course, she is committed to doing something about it. Counseling could help, but that would take a real commitment from her, and it can be financially prohibitive. Although difficult, do your best to detach yourself from this weakness in her life. Surely, you and she have many more areas of mother/daughter involvement than you feeling responsible for helping her out of this dilemma. If the issue comes up, remind her that she, and only she can change this dynamic. You love her, and want her to be happy -- but she has to truly want that, as well, and you must resist playing the role of a parent to your parent. It's not only unfair to you, it will develop a pattern that will be hard to break in the future. Parents sometimes teach us, through their behavior, what not to do when we strike out on our own.
Ok. So my mother doesn't know I am writing this, but I need to absolutely let her know that what she is doing is not healthy/right for anyone. I just found out that my father and mother, although they have been divorced for many years and have been arguing on and off like crazy, have been having sex. I wouldn't really care about it so much because it's there business and not mine, but it starts to become my problem when my mother is crying her eyes out one night and won't tell me why. I got it out of her, though, and that is how I found out about them. My mom feels so bad about herself. She is ashamed and she wants to get rid of him, somewhere in her heart. But then, she even said it, she is like putty in his hands. To this day, and it has been almost a month since I found out, she still does it and gives him money all of the time. What really takes the cake, though, is finding out that the reason she feels so bad is because she still likes him and all he wants to do is have sex with her with no relationship attached. My mom is not the kind of person to not want a relationship in the mixture. I personally feel that if you are having sex with someone, then you have to AT LEAST be in a real relationship. Apparently my dad says, "This is not a relationship! How come you can't handle this! All we are doing is having sex! Stop adding a relationship to it!" Now you and I both know that this just isn't right. But the more I try to explain it to my mom, the more she doesn't understand. It's frustrating! What can I tell her,or show her, or make her read/watch that will make her see that she needs to end it with this guy, my father?! :( By the way, did I mention that he was her first boyfriend? Oy vey!
----------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
You are absolutely wonderful for caring the way you do, but I'm not sure you can be of any real help in this matter. I'm always a bit put-off by a parent who exhibits such little control but she, too, is human, and capable of causing great heartache in her life. Your mother would need to get to the root of why she'd allow herself to be treated in this manner, but I would suspect she is lonely for attention and it makes it easier to succumb to your father's advances. More than likely, she sees him as her first, and only love. But although she cries, and seems unfulfilled, she is making a choice by sleeping with him, and she, alone, is responsible for that choice. But like the alcoholic who cannot stop drinking, so may it be true for your mother in this respect -- unless, of course, she is committed to doing something about it. Counseling could help, but that would take a real commitment from her, and it can be financially prohibitive. Although difficult, do your best to detach yourself from this weakness in her life. Surely, you and she have many more areas of mother/daughter involvement than you feeling responsible for helping her out of this dilemma. If the issue comes up, remind her that she, and only she can change this dynamic. You love her, and want her to be happy -- but she has to truly want that, as well, and you must resist playing the role of a parent to your parent. It's not only unfair to you, it will develop a pattern that will be hard to break in the future. Parents sometimes teach us, through their behavior, what not to do when we strike out on our own.
