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She Wants More Than Friendship
- By Miss Emily
- Published 08/19/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I have been friends with a guy since 3 years and I still have very deep feelings for him. Our friendship is very open and it can be called a relationship because of how we interact and regard each other. I have tried to put a title to it but he has been very averse and says he does not see me that way. I know him very well and in almost every case what he states is not what he means. I do think that he does have some feelings for me even though they might not be nearly as potent as mine. If this were any other matter, I would go with what I thought he wanted and act on it but in this case I want to leave the choice up to him. I want him to decide because I feel like that will actually show he means it, and I don't want to have to keep guessing. He keeps giving me hints that he wants more as well but does not follow through. It confuses and frustrates me. There have been long periods that we haven't communicated because of multiple reasons and even misunderstandings. I felt like during those times my feelings had changed and I could pay more attention to myself and interact with other people. But no matter how long the separation, eventually we start talking again because ultimately we do miss each other. But every time, I feel helpless because I start having the same feelings of longing that aren’t satiated until the moments where I spend time with him and then intensified with we aren’t together. I want him as my best friend but I don’t want to be dependent on him to such a high degree. I'm unsure about wanting a relationship with him because I don't want to lose our friendship -- it means a lot to me. But I do want a relationship if he is willing. How do I approach the topic with him, again? Should I? I also do not know how to deal with the feelings I have for him, or how to get him to acknowledge what he truly wants.
----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
He said he does not "see you that way" and, to me, that says a lot. When you are away from him, you wrote: "I felt like during those times my feelings had changed, and I could pay more attention to myself and interact with other people." I think the frustration you have in this relationship almost dictates that you feel some relief during these periods. Although you say you don't want to ruin the friendship, the fact you yearn for more will remain a constant and the uncertainty is too much of a burden to carry. I would only, at this point, seek to clarify with him what truly is the definition of the friendship, and if he is adamant about keeping the status quo. He's already said as much, but you don't seem to think it's true. Find out, again, for your own edification.
I have been friends with a guy since 3 years and I still have very deep feelings for him. Our friendship is very open and it can be called a relationship because of how we interact and regard each other. I have tried to put a title to it but he has been very averse and says he does not see me that way. I know him very well and in almost every case what he states is not what he means. I do think that he does have some feelings for me even though they might not be nearly as potent as mine. If this were any other matter, I would go with what I thought he wanted and act on it but in this case I want to leave the choice up to him. I want him to decide because I feel like that will actually show he means it, and I don't want to have to keep guessing. He keeps giving me hints that he wants more as well but does not follow through. It confuses and frustrates me. There have been long periods that we haven't communicated because of multiple reasons and even misunderstandings. I felt like during those times my feelings had changed and I could pay more attention to myself and interact with other people. But no matter how long the separation, eventually we start talking again because ultimately we do miss each other. But every time, I feel helpless because I start having the same feelings of longing that aren’t satiated until the moments where I spend time with him and then intensified with we aren’t together. I want him as my best friend but I don’t want to be dependent on him to such a high degree. I'm unsure about wanting a relationship with him because I don't want to lose our friendship -- it means a lot to me. But I do want a relationship if he is willing. How do I approach the topic with him, again? Should I? I also do not know how to deal with the feelings I have for him, or how to get him to acknowledge what he truly wants.
----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
He said he does not "see you that way" and, to me, that says a lot. When you are away from him, you wrote: "I felt like during those times my feelings had changed, and I could pay more attention to myself and interact with other people." I think the frustration you have in this relationship almost dictates that you feel some relief during these periods. Although you say you don't want to ruin the friendship, the fact you yearn for more will remain a constant and the uncertainty is too much of a burden to carry. I would only, at this point, seek to clarify with him what truly is the definition of the friendship, and if he is adamant about keeping the status quo. He's already said as much, but you don't seem to think it's true. Find out, again, for your own edification.
