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Is He Marriage Phobic?
- By Miss Emily
- Published 08/16/2010
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
I am in search of some advice about my boyfriend. We have been together 2 years, in November. We are happy. My issue is that he was in a relationship with a woman before me for 14 years, they had 2 children together, were engaged for 4 years and still never got married. He said because she was disrespectful, very mean to him, emaciating and not supportive at all. They did have a house together which they are still battling in court about (yes 3 years later) Anyway, it is a very nasty situation and she has told him numerous times she is going to ruin him. On top of all of the stress from court, he has a business that is not doing well at all. Due to this economy, he is afraid he is going to lose everything. I am scared to death that based on his non-commitment to his ex, and the ugly court battles that he does not want to get married. He has expressed his opinion of the institution and it is not pretty. He knows it is important to me, I need that commitment and I refuse to move in with a man -- not only because it will not get me a ring on my finger, but I also have a daughter to set an example for. He is a roller coaster concerning marriage between us. One moment he alludes to us getting hitched, someday and, then, other times he makes comments contradicting the other. His mother and family all love me, as I do them. They have told me repeatedly that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, and I treat him so well and they see the respect we share for each other. His mom had told me that once all of the court battles were done that it is time for him to make a decision. And she knows that I will leave if I do not get the commitment I truly want and need from him. She keeps telling me to hang in there, and I have just, unfortunately, met him at the worst time of his life. But I just have a feeling that he will never truly want to get married. I do not want to continue developing more and more feelings for him, just to have to go our separate ways once all is said and done and things have settled. He is a good man, but I truly feel this ex of his has spoiled my chances of his commitment to me.
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
By his rationale, he shouldn't be in a relationship with you, at all, because he never married the ex-girlfriend, yet that hasn't kept him from having tremendous problems. It was a relationship commitment, but marriage is a state of mind, and a legal commitment with the state in which you live. I agree, he may never give you what you want even if he is free from his court issues with the ex, and his business problems eased (but in this economy that seems unlikely). He feels horribly burdened and, marriage, in his mind, is another burden. Three years of a court battle over a house seems excessive, and I have no idea why that has dragged on this long -- unless it has something to do with maintaining a roof over the heads of his two children and not pushing the issue in earnest. Give it a little more time before you exit the relationship, but be objective about who he is, any baggage he brings to the table, what he is truly capable of giving, and whether you can, ultimately, be happy with him if he were to agree to marriage. No one should be dragged to the alter and, by doing so, you're asking for negative payback down the line. I know you're tempted to blame his ex (although she sounds like a real piece of work) but he stayed in a relationship with her for fourteen years while being emotionally demeaned. You didn't say why they eventually broke up, but that's a long time to accept the status quo without changing it if the atmosphere is so horribly toxic. Food for thought.
I am in search of some advice about my boyfriend. We have been together 2 years, in November. We are happy. My issue is that he was in a relationship with a woman before me for 14 years, they had 2 children together, were engaged for 4 years and still never got married. He said because she was disrespectful, very mean to him, emaciating and not supportive at all. They did have a house together which they are still battling in court about (yes 3 years later) Anyway, it is a very nasty situation and she has told him numerous times she is going to ruin him. On top of all of the stress from court, he has a business that is not doing well at all. Due to this economy, he is afraid he is going to lose everything. I am scared to death that based on his non-commitment to his ex, and the ugly court battles that he does not want to get married. He has expressed his opinion of the institution and it is not pretty. He knows it is important to me, I need that commitment and I refuse to move in with a man -- not only because it will not get me a ring on my finger, but I also have a daughter to set an example for. He is a roller coaster concerning marriage between us. One moment he alludes to us getting hitched, someday and, then, other times he makes comments contradicting the other. His mother and family all love me, as I do them. They have told me repeatedly that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, and I treat him so well and they see the respect we share for each other. His mom had told me that once all of the court battles were done that it is time for him to make a decision. And she knows that I will leave if I do not get the commitment I truly want and need from him. She keeps telling me to hang in there, and I have just, unfortunately, met him at the worst time of his life. But I just have a feeling that he will never truly want to get married. I do not want to continue developing more and more feelings for him, just to have to go our separate ways once all is said and done and things have settled. He is a good man, but I truly feel this ex of his has spoiled my chances of his commitment to me.
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------
By his rationale, he shouldn't be in a relationship with you, at all, because he never married the ex-girlfriend, yet that hasn't kept him from having tremendous problems. It was a relationship commitment, but marriage is a state of mind, and a legal commitment with the state in which you live. I agree, he may never give you what you want even if he is free from his court issues with the ex, and his business problems eased (but in this economy that seems unlikely). He feels horribly burdened and, marriage, in his mind, is another burden. Three years of a court battle over a house seems excessive, and I have no idea why that has dragged on this long -- unless it has something to do with maintaining a roof over the heads of his two children and not pushing the issue in earnest. Give it a little more time before you exit the relationship, but be objective about who he is, any baggage he brings to the table, what he is truly capable of giving, and whether you can, ultimately, be happy with him if he were to agree to marriage. No one should be dragged to the alter and, by doing so, you're asking for negative payback down the line. I know you're tempted to blame his ex (although she sounds like a real piece of work) but he stayed in a relationship with her for fourteen years while being emotionally demeaned. You didn't say why they eventually broke up, but that's a long time to accept the status quo without changing it if the atmosphere is so horribly toxic. Food for thought.
