Dear Miss Emily:

OK the background story. My friend and I had recently started dating. We were seeing each other for 8 weeks. My previous relationship had just ended, and I was actually still sharing the house (not the room, I was in the spare) with my ex gf and her sister and looking to move out, which I did. The thing is that I selfishly tried to protect my own heart, and assumed my new friend's reaction, by lying to her saying I was actually living with friends. As you can imagine, this eventually all came out, and we broke up because I'd obviously obliterated the trust she had shared with me. I went away and really looked at my actions and returned a more positive, and powerful spirit; promising my new friend patience, respect and love (that had actually never faded). Since then, we have started dating again and we're doing really well. We both feel strong and happy. However, her mates have been discussing the previous situation over and had advised her of their opinions. Now she doesn't tell them that we are dating, again, and avoids questions about it or makes stuff up. I know she hates lying. and never does so this in turn hurts me because I know I am the cause. Now she heads to friends' events (bbq's, parties, etc) without me. On top of the secrecy, this makes me feel that she is ashamed of our relationship, even though we share amazing times and blessings of love when we're together. Why else would she desire to turn up to these events alone? My question is, (and I probably already know the answer) how do I discuss this with her gently, without her feeling like I'm impatient or co-dependent? I'm a strong and good man, and have faith in our beatiful relationship, but I feel this is damaging it by reintroducing mistrust and denial. Any advice would be wonderful. Thank you :)

-----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------

Sadly, what she's doing is the same thing you did when you first lied to her. You risked losing her, which you did for a while, and she thinks she risks the respect she has with her friends if she were to cop to seeing you, again. Both scenarios smack of gutlessness. A strong, confident individual stands behind the decisions he, or she makes, with apologies to none! Maybe her belief is that time is what makes the difference in admitting you are back in her life, but there has to be a shelf life for that thinking. Right now you're like the mistress -- a guilty pleasure that cannot be shared with anyone. If you're going to have a quality relationship with trust and openness, there should be no hiding your relationship from anyone. By doing it, others are pulling the strings of your lives, and that is done without a rational defense. She's not ashamed of your relationship per se, she's embarrassed that she's human, and has the capacity to forgive. Those are good qualities, despite her seeing them as weaknesses of character. Talk to her about this, and come to some workable agreement; or each of your lack of courage will continue to rear its ugly head, again, and that will be the, ultimate, demise of this relationship.

I'm 33 year old male. Girlfriend is almost 28. We have dated about a year and 9 months. I have been staying at her house nearly every night since 2 months in. We bickered a lot due to differences. I have made numerous positive changes over the last year that she acknowledged. She counts on me for emotional support. Our communication, however, completely dissipated and there was minimal intimacy. She started nursing school this past September and has become overwhelmed with everything. Tuesday she called and broke up. Yesterday she texts saying my stuff isn't gathered yet for pickup. I asked to talk. She said "yes" when she's ready, but to stop pressuring her. is this salvageable?  I would like to go to counseling with her. She admitted to harboring resentment from some arguments in the first year and admitted that she hasn't been that nice to me recently. If I'm trying to win her back and want to reignite the flame, what do you suggest i do? Her birthday is this coming Monday. Thank you.

----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

She's asked for space, and I would give it to her; no matter how painful. This gives her the opportunity to miss what you and she had, want to work at finding solutions --  or decide to let you go. You don't want to be in a relationship if it's run its course. And that may be the case. Sometimes a relationship is a work in progress, but sometimes it's a lesson in futility to try and keep it going. The pressures of school, and the history you and she have had led her to this choice. If she wants to try, again, couples counseling would be a good choice. It will either prove that there's something to salvage (and give you tools to help the cause), or it will aid you in moving on if it's truly over. As far as her birthday is concerned, sure, acknowledge it with a card (not a mushy one), and an invitation to a nice dinner if she's up for it in the near future.

------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------

She's asked for space, and I would give it to her; no matter how painful. This gives her the opportunity to miss what you and she had, and want to work at finding solutions, or decide to let you go. You don't want to be in a relationship if it's run its course. And that may be the case. Sometimes a relationship is a work in progress, but sometimes it's a lesson in futility. The pressures of school, and the history you and she have had, led her to this choice. If she wants to try, again, couples counseling would be a good thing. It will either prove that there's something to salvage (and give you tools to help the cause), or it will help you to move on if it's truly over. As far as her birthday is concerned, sure, acknowledge it with a card (not a mushy one), and an invitation to a nice dinner if she's up for it in the near future.

Dear Miss Emily:

To start off with, I have been dating her for 2.5 years I met her at college and we have been through so much already. We were twenty when we met and started dating almost immediately. Little did I know she still was close to her ex. I fell in love, instantly, but she cheated on me with this guy all summer, but I couldn't find myself to end it with her. She even tried breaking up with me but I begged her back. I love her. From here, so much has happened. I've been to jail, I sold drugs behind her back, once, but everything else is honesty on my part. I have never cheated on her, but she's had over 4 partners since we've been dating. She told me this all while on a high LSD trip. I know it's true between us but I don't know what to do. She is always not trusting me to trust her, because she thinks I see her as a crazy whore from her past. But I don't at all. I'm in love with this girl, but no matter how much I tell her this, she doesn't seem to realize it. Most recently, I was on her laptop going through her videos, and up came one of her sister (she hadn't seen it) doing sex acts. I instantly closed the computer, disgusted, but I didn't tell her. Then when she opened the computer, the video was up and she thinks I looked at it, and she's  so insecure. I honestly didn't look at it at all! Her insecurities for things she done to me is driving me crazy when, truthfully, I love her and the past is the past. On top of this, alcohol is a major contributer. Her father is a recovering alcoholic. She blacks out drunk almost every time  she drinks, and does dumb things. She doesn't learn, and is embarrassed, hurt and scared. I still love this girl and can't come to breaking up with her.
 
-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

This is one screwed up relationship, and both of you have some issues that cannot be overlooked. The problems each of you have cannot be solved by the other. Right now, all you two offer each other is some type of support, but it's based on extreme lack of trust, and dysfunction. You seem bright enough, you just appear messed up. Jail, drug dealing! These are not stellar displays of competence, and I don't know if you and she are really capable of having a healthy relationship. If she has a drinking problem where she blacks out and does outrageous things, she needs help. She is, for all intents and purposes, an alcoholic like her father. When alcoholism is passed down through a parent, for the child to succeed in not going down the same path, it's almost imperative that she/he not drink. But aside from all the troubles you and she have on your own, the relationship is one of emotional dependency. You say you love her, but I'm here to tell you love isn't enough to make a relationship work unless two people are committed to make it work! Maybe you and she has some similar traits, but they are not strengths, they are weaknesses. And that may very well be the bond you and she share. You're familiar with it, and it's easier to go with it rather than change the dynamic. I contend that if you were to face the world with some solid goals, and a commitment to be healthy and emotionally strong, you wouldn't be able to relate to her. You and she are crutches to each other, more than anything. And I'm not sure you think anyone else would want you. But I'm here to say that's not the case if you were to face your demons, rid them of your life, and see the future as something that can offer peace, and contentment, instead of perpetual chaos. I can see why she drives you crazy, and I can see why she would feel the same; although her habitual cheating should have been a deal breaker, in my opinion.