http://www.askmissemily.com en-us N/A emily@askmissemily.com Fri, 25 Jul 2008 00:46:25 EDT 20 http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/235/1/Leaving-Me-Standing/Page1.html
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 1 ½  years and are committed to each other. We are in our late 40s and live approx 2 hours from each other. We get together every weekend and one evening during the week. Often, when I go visit in her city, she has a tendency to leave me standing by myself when we go out to a club or an event to talk to friends; usually always men. Rarely does she do it to me to go talk with women. She will just say, "I will be back," or sometimes she’ll just walk away and may not return from 15 to 25 minutes – occasionally longer. When I address it with her that I don’t appreciate being left behind sitting by myself, she gets an attitude and acts like it's not a big deal. I remind her that I have never done that to her when she is with me, in my town, and she tells me that she isn’t me or that she wouldn’t care if I did that. Am I overreacting?  How do I get her to understand that I don’t like her to leave me by myself not knowing anybody for such long periods of time? I don’t believe there is anything going on to be jealous about, but she does like the attention of men. I have caught her doing some on-line flirting in the past with sexual innuendos and believe I put a stop to that.
Had it

--------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------

Dear Had:

Commuter relationships are not easy to maintain from the get-go, and when you do see each other, quality time is important. The need for your girlfriend to flirt with other men, whether you are there or not, is troubling.  Rational thinking tells me that there is such a thing as harmless flirting – something some people need to do to reinforce their sense of self-worth and, well, it's a sexy thing, isn't it?  A pre-mating ritual!  However, her cavalier attitude toward your position on this  makes you feel small and alone – something that one doesn’t want from a committed relationship. You can’t expect to be stuck like glue to each other when socializing at a club, or outings with friends, but  a healthy relationship is based on trust and respect.  Monitoring her online penchant for flirting, and her lack of sensitivity to your needs, does not spell COMMITMENT.  Make up your mind.  Is this something you can learn to accept – blow-off, because you “need” her in your life (for whatever reason) or will you decide this behavior is not acceptable to you?  Time often settles this issue.  It’s only a matter of how much time you are willing to waste before you have the courage to do something about it.      

]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Thu, 24 Jul 2008 16:19:08 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/235/1/Leaving-Me-Standing/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/217/1/Double-dipping/Page1.html
I’ve been dating this woman for about year. Everything has been terrific until, one day, I started to become a little suspicious about her secretive behavior. I looked at some text messages in her phone. She was texting a co-worker, calling him "sexy" saying she wants to hang out more and one was referring to a dream he had about her. She replied "that she needs to do something about that." I confronted her about it and she said it was nothing. Just flirting. She gave explanations, but I still feel betrayed. She said she ended the friendship with this person ( which I thought was strange) if it was only innocent. Am I over-reacting and ruining a very good relationship?
Nobody’s Fool

-------------------------Miss Emily’s advice--------------------
Dear Nobody:

Unless you and she have an informal dating style, with the understanding that other romantic situations may present itself, and it’s all right to pursue additional playmates,  I’d say she’s double dipping – keeping all options open and, until now, thought she was clever in hiding it.  Harmless flirting happens, but “hanging out more” and  "I need to do something about that" sounds like an invitation and a sign that she's waiting for the right time and place. Her attraction to this man may, or may not be over. She might just be getting better at covering her tracks.  If trust is what you are looking for in a relationship, I think this woman has struck-out in this rather important category. If you cool it with her for a while, you’ll show her that you really are nobody’s fool.       ]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Mon, 07 Jul 2008 22:47:54 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/217/1/Double-dipping/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/210/1/The-Ex-and-Me/Page1.html
My question is that my ex and I have been kinda seeing each other for about 1 year and half now and it seems like she has to hide me from everyone.  And I like spending time with our 4 year old daughter, but I have some life problems that don't make me very dependable or responsible in any way to help support her, in which it makes me feel very crappy! She told me when I started back in school to work very hard at it so I did and I have got my GED and then a job that was ok but it didn't really help all that much.  Well then, I got let go due to the fact of down size, a month and half goes by and I decided to join the navy for more schooling and a career for my future and child’s future.  She didn't like that at first and wanted me to stay and that she would buy a house and I could stay with her and our relationship would be better when she was done with school.  Another month goes by and she starts to ignore me and it seems like she wants nothing to do with me, so I called like 50 times to get her attention.  Even her friend and she both flipped out on me saying that neither one of them wanted anything to do with me. I don't understand what is going on.  She won't talk to me.  Any advice you can give would be appreciated.
Shipping out

---------------------------Miss Emily’s advice--------------------

Dear Shipping:

You cannot support your child (loss of job, and a history of life problems), and you joined the Navy.  This decision of yours has merit, but it sets new ground rules for the future. Your ex is in disagreement of your plans, but you must follow through on your decision. Remember, you have rights to your child and visitation should be settled before you leave for service.  If you don’t have the money, go to the city and ask them if they have free legal aid for financially-strapped individuals.  I know things didn’t work out the way you, or those who know you, had planned, but you have chartered a new course.  Live with the decision, grow from it and be the best man and father you can be to your daughter. If your ex doesn’t agree with your new plan, well, that’s her problem. She cannot dictate your life and the direction it will take.  Remember that you are in charge of your life and no one else. Don’t dwell on the past, and look forward to a bright, new future. Good luck to you.  I wish you the very best.                


]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Sat, 05 Jul 2008 15:44:16 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/210/1/The-Ex-and-Me/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/209/1/I-Don039t-Know-How-To-Tell-Her/Page1.html
A few years ago, I met a girl. We hit it off pretty well, but she soon started dating one of my friends. Over the course of their relationship, we also became friends and even though there was a little attraction, I kept it at the back of my mind. When they broke up, she was pretty torn up, so I decided she needed me more as a friend than anything else, especially acting as a buffer in our circle until things smoothed over between her and her ex/my friend. We spent a lot of time just talking about things and looking out for each other. She dated a few guys, since then, but there were times when she looked at me and I knew she wanted more, but because of our friendship and my own uncertainty I kept my distance. I used any avenue I could to convince myself that our lifestyles are too different:; she’s immature and irresponsible; I need to focus on my career; we both have had problems with depression and anxiety in the past, she’s religious and I’m not. The list went on and on. A few months ago, my mother died in a car accident. She was one of the first to call me, and insisted on coming over and talking with me almost all night until I could get on a plane to go home. When I got back after the funeral, she insisted on meeting up with me again to make sure I was doing ok. After all this, I realized that I can’t lie to myself about my feelings anymore. However, she’s dating someone else, again, and while I don’t know how serious it is, I know he’s one of the better guys she’s dated. It’s become very uncomfortable to be around her, especially when he’s there too. More importantly, it’s becoming a trigger for my anxiety, which I felt I had under control years ago. It’s causing me to avoid her, and even some of our friends because I’m afraid she’ll show up. I know I have to tell her, if I don’t I’ll drive myself insane. But at the same time I want her to be happy, and I don’t want to screw up what she has now if that is her chance at happiness. I don’t know how to tell her how I feel in a way that’s fair to her. Am I even right in telling her? I let the opportunity pass me by, why should she have to deal with it?  I just have no idea what to do.
Sleepless In . . .

-------------------------Miss Emily’s advice-------------------

Dear Sleepless:

What a horrible emotional roller coaster you have been on.  I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mother in such a tragic circumstance. No doubt you were forced to see, in the worst possible way, how life can be so very precarious and that seizing the moment has taken on urgent proportions. You have played the role of “nice guy” for quite a while it seems. (You might want to take a look at why that role suits you so well.)  But you were also smart enough to know that if you were with this woman, on a full-time basis, that there would be some incompatibility.  Not all of your reasons for maintaining a plutonic relationship are insurmountable but, nevertheless, immaturity, irresponsibility and religious differences are three potential red flags for a man who values maturity, responsibility and freedom of religion. Unfortunately, you have made this harder than it had to be.  Avoiding her and mutual friends is not what you should be doing, obviously.  It alienates you and your friends which exacerbates the problem.  Tell her you need to see her in private ( for drinks?) and gently lay the cards on the table.  You don’t have to make a fool of yourself – remain calm, cool and collected.  Tell her how much she means to you and what a wonderful friend she has been.  Say that you have had numerous regrets in not letting her know you wanted more than friendship but the time never seemed right.  Include the fact that you have no intention of disrupting her present relationship, but you felt it necessary to be honest and get feedback in order to pu this to rest.  If she has the same feelings for you, she’ll let you know.  If it’s only friendship she wants, you have given her the opportunity to be forthcoming.  And if friendship is all she wants, to save face you can tell her that your mother’s death might have been the catalyst to your heightened feelings of loss and your need to reach out.  This may be truer than you realize. But true or not, I think the death of your mother brought you to this crossroads in your life. I hope you choose the path that leads you to take chances and live life to its fullest.  Keep me posted.               

]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Fri, 04 Jul 2008 00:53:12 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/209/1/I-Don039t-Know-How-To-Tell-Her/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/206/1/I-Lied-To-Her/Page1.html
I recently did something very stupid and lied to my girlfriend. How do I regain her trust and have her want to still date and be with me?
Sorry Now

-------------------------Miss Emily’s advice----------------------

Dear Sorry:

Lies will occasionally seep into a relationship and, of course, the degree of the lie is the crux of the problem. “Sure, I like that dress,” and you really hate it – not a biggy.  And then there’s the other end of the spectrum.  “We didn’t sleep together.  I only took her home!”  This is the type of lie, when exposed, destroys trust and can damage a relationship irreparably. The lie should be talked about, and these questions should be answered:  Why did you lie?  What were you afraid would happen if you told the truth?  Also, there is the need to let each other know that when a certain uncomfortable truth is told, it should be given gracefully and not as a form of insult.  "Wow, your breath could stop a clock," will not do.  "Sweet one, your breath could use a mint," better.  Any information shared, in an appropriate manner, should be discussed without fear of repercussions. Time is also the healer.  Let her know that you are eager to regain her trust, and you are infinitely sorry for your lapse in judgment.  Then...mean it!     


]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Wed, 02 Jul 2008 01:19:43 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/206/1/I-Lied-To-Her/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/204/1/After-The-Fall/Page1.html
I've known this girl since last fall. She lives overseas and we met twice in February and fell in love. Hopefully, I'll visit her again in August. I have a problem, though. Even though I'm pretty sure I love her, one of the things that's clouding my thoughts is a promise she's made many times -- once we break up for real (as opposed to breaking up for a day or two, which she's done to me about a dozen times so far), that's it for good; she'll never speak to me again. I wish it weren't that way -- I'm attached to her, not just as a lover but as a friend too. She says she just wants to forget about me as soon as possible if it does end. Is this fair? Is it normal? (I'm 23 but this is my first relationship so I wouldn't quite know.) Why do you think she made this promise to me?
All or nothing

----------------------Miss Emily’s advice-------------------

Dear All:

I don’t think it’s normal at all.  How could she be so sure of the outcome before it’s happened?  In matters of the heart, anything is possible.  It’s not a mathematical equation!  Maybe she’s been seriously hurt in the past and this proclamation is nothing more than a defense mechanism kicking in. But I’d be wary of someone who drops a bomb before the war begins.  I can see her saying this once, maybe, but many times?  Tell her how you feel, and if she’s still resolute, you have one stubborn girl on your hands (hint: that’s not good). I understand that this is your first relationship, but that doesn’t mean you have to settle for less. You may not believe this now but, it’s possible that, one day, you’ll never want to see her again!           
 

 ]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Mon, 30 Jun 2008 05:12:56 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/204/1/After-The-Fall/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/202/1/Marriage--Not-Now/Page1.html I lied to my girlfriend months ago about being ready to get married. We plan on getting engaged this coming January (2009) at least that’s what we planned. Im still not ready to get married, but I want to marry her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and no one else.  6-8 months ago we were talking and she told me she was ready to get married and I agreed with her and said that I, too, was ready and wanted to get married. We have been making plans and decided to get engaged in January of 2009. We sat her parents down and sat mine down and started telling people. The only issue is that I lied. I wasn’t ready then, and I’m not ready now.  I confessed that to her Sunday night.  I crushed her, and I feel horrible. What should I do?
Fearing The Worst

--------------------------Miss Emily’s advice----------------------

Dear Fearing:

You are in a quandary!  “Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.”  But let’s look at the whole picture.  You aren’t ready, for whatever the reasons, and that is why it’s time, now, to spell out those reasons.  Have the courage to verbalize  your reluctance to move into marriage.  There is no right or wrong, here, but the larger issue is your inability to be honest at the time it was crucial to do so.  I don’t blame this woman for being crushed.  If I were her, I’d reassess why I would want to marry someone who, in retrospect, was led, like a lamb, to slaughter.  How many other times did you do things against your will because you were too weak to object? Shouldn’t you talk to someone, a counselor perhaps?  If you tell her you are willing to talk to a third party in order to unscramble your contradictory, “I don’t want to get married, but I want to marry her and spent the rest of my life with her and no one else,” she might go along with it.   Maybe, then, she'll see you as confused rather than a stranger who she once thought was a loving, committed partner. I think this angle is your only recourse.  Bite the bullet and make the appointment, today!                

]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Wed, 25 Jun 2008 16:52:50 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/202/1/Marriage--Not-Now/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/199/1/She039s-pregnant----I039m-Ready-to-Leave/Page1.html
I am in a relationship with someone and she is pregnant.  She has been trying to get rid of me for over 8 months, now.  I have found someone else that I could be with and she has expressed how much she cares about me.  She even wants me to adopt her daughter, and I just don't know if I should be with the other girl or stay with who I'm with and be unhappy. Can you please help me.
To-be Daddy

-----------------------Miss Emily’s advice---------------------

Dear To-be:
I am going to assume that the relationship you are in produced this pregnancy.  I only ask that because I get some weird letters, and I wouldn’t stake my life on this being the case.  If it is your child (there are tests), I can’t figure out why this woman has been trying to get rid of you for eight months and ends up in a situation where you are bonded together, for life, by a child.  This is a mess you are going to have to deal with before you make a commitment (I use the term loosely) to anyone else.  The fact that this woman is pregnant with your child, and you are already thinking about adopting another woman’s daughter seems a little hasty in my book; unless your love of children ranks high on your “greatest thrill in the world” list   No one can force you to stay in a bad relationship.  But you have a responsibility (at least, financially) to your child, and if you need to move on, do not plan to ditch your obligations.  Move cautiously into a new relationship, and keep promises to a minimum.  Your attitude about all this seems a little flaky to me.  Face this like a man, and not some kid who treats life issues as if they were someone else’s problems. Good luck ‘cause you’re going to need it.                   

]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Sat, 21 Jun 2008 03:14:22 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/199/1/She039s-pregnant----I039m-Ready-to-Leave/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/196/1/When-Friendship-Isn039t-Enough/Page1.html
I dated a girl for two yrs. One day she said she wanted experience dating other people and dumped me. Since then she been in a relationship with a guy for 6 months. We’ve been friends throughout, but it kills me inside. She walks in and out of my life all the time and she will tell me she’s going to call and, then, never does.  She comes and cuddles with me and tells me how her bf is a jerk. But the next day, they are holding hands and she tells him how much she loves him. I’m hurting so bad.  What should I do?
Heavy Heart

--------------------Miss Emily’s advice-----------------

Dear Heavy:

You are on a rudderless ship.  You have allowed yourself, feeling the way you do, to take crumbs from the woman you love.  I can understand why you are compelled to do this, because you can be in her life, all the while hoping she will come to her senses.  It is a fact that there is no magic wand you can wave to get you what you want, so you must take charge of your life and do what, I think, needs to be done.  Tell her how you feel, and this is why:  Suffering in silence is emotionally damaging, and a pity party for one. Honesty will relieve you of the burden of being her emotional lackey, and it will free you to move on with your life without her.  Do not let anger and resentment be the outcome of what you have the power to control. Who knows, once she sees a man who no longer can be used, maybe she’ll take a second look at the new, and improved you.       

]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Sat, 14 Jun 2008 04:32:20 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/196/1/When-Friendship-Isn039t-Enough/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/192/1/Girfriend-Chooses-Another-Path/Page1.html
I was with my girlfriend for years, we had two different apartments together. We moved apart due to some serious financial issues. She moved back home with the parents and I went to live with a friend. I was no peach in our relationship, and recently we split, or she did. Over the course of the last year,  I finally realized how much I cared. She told me a year ago that she needed some time to heal, but we still stayed together. Now she told me that I never gave her that time, and she is taking it. I asked if we were doomed, basically, and she said you have a chance, do something with it. Since she said that I have not heard from her. We still have some mutual things that tie us together but now I am starting to wonder what to do. I was a bad partner for so long but we have been “this twosome” for a long time and I do not want to lose the most important thing in my life. She is my heart and my rock, it has been the worst month of my life. WHAT TO DO!?
So Sorry Now

--------------------------Miss Emily’s advice----------------------

Dear So Sorry:

This is a bell you cannot un-ring.  To use another apt phrase, there’s too much water under this bridge. Your ex sounds like a reasonable person who, not only is protecting herself from future trouble, is suggesting to you that you get your life in order. Why?  Because she cares about you and realizes that it is for your own good, with or without her.  When you say, “She is my heart and my rock,” are you really saying, “She put up with my abysmal behavior, when no one else would (unless they, too, had a tinge of masochism), and I still lost the war”?  Which gets to the bigger point: Your ex has decided she wants to break the dependency game you two have been playing.  Kudos to her!  Do what she says, get your act together, because mourning the loss of this relationship does not solve the basis problem here.  Your ex no longer wants “this twosome.”  At least, not now.  If there’s any hope for your future with her, you will sincerely instigate the changes in your life that will make you a better person and, consequently, a  decent partner -- to her, or to someone else.  Take a look at your attitude toward women and why “bad partner” seems to fit your dilemma.  Change is good.  Only make sure it’s for the right reasons, rather than a ploy to get what you want. Remember: Hope is not a plan.      

    ]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Sat, 31 May 2008 16:27:32 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/192/1/Girfriend-Chooses-Another-Path/Page1.html