<![CDATA[Ask Miss Emily - Articles - Relationships - Men]]> http://www.askmissemily.com en-us N/A emily@askmissemily.com Thu, 29 Jul 2010 08:35:26 EDT 20 <![CDATA[Long-distance Relationship Angst]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/980/1/Long-distance-Relationship-Angst/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily:

All right, so this girl who's 18 btw, and I'm 20 has liked me for 3 years and I only really looked at her as a friend. Mainly because she used to date one of my friends (who now I don't talk to) and, now, I live in Florida when I used to live in New York (where she is, currently). She would always try to get at me and I could see her trying to get me to like her. She even told me she tried giving up on me like 5 times, but never could because she ended up missing me too much. Over the last 6 months, or so, I have developed feelings for this girl and then when I went up to visit last week and saw her, for the first time in like a year and a half, these feelings are now on another level. We even both said when we hung out for the first time it was like we had been hanging out 1000 times before and that's what makes this feel so real and she thinks the same way. We talked about the long distance thing but we pretty much agreed that we should keep things the way they are and still talk like we were doing, because were afraid if we make it official that would ruin things. She said she wants to come down in September to visit to see how I live and things like that. But now it just really sucks because I don't know what to do. It's like a wait-and-see thing, and I hate that. She said shes going to move down once she gets enough money and our ultimate goal is to find a place together. She always reassures me that I'm the only one she wants, nobody else. and that she wants to be with me forever. But I still worry because she's the type that gets lonely a lot and what if she gets tired of being lonely? It's just eating me alive inside thinking about it. I guess I'm just looking for some advice, or maybe someone who has been in a similar situation. Thanks

---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

If you can't trust her to wait until September when you can be together for a visit, you're not as a far along in this relationship as you think you are! You don't have any proof that she's going to get antsy because of acute loneliness, and I think you may be inviting trouble where none exist -- or you're tapping into your own insecurities and feelings of loneliness. If she's been after you all this time, I would think she's sincere about her hopes and plans. Now, that's not to say that things don't change no matter the earnest effort put forth in the beginning of a relationship -- but if I were you, I'd keep the lines of communication open and wait patiently until September. It really is too early to think "forever." But it's not too early to allow this relationship to grow by making plans to be together, face-to-face, in order to see how compatible you and she are for the long term. Act in haste, repent in leisure, my friend.
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Tue, 27 Jul 2010 02:50:40 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/980/1/Long-distance-Relationship-Angst/Page1.html <![CDATA[Too Much Distance In This Relationship]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/972/1/Too-Much-Distance-In-This-Relationship/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily:

My girlfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for over a year. She has this extremely frustrating habit of not talking much or expressing emotions. I, on the other hand, am very emotional and talkative. I've asked her many times if her lack of conversation is a sign she is not interested but, she assures me it isn't and simply not in her nature to talk much. Yet, she seems to talk with relative ease to her family and a couple friends. Her first language is not English and she's told me she doesn't have complete confidence in her English. However, she's spoken it for over 10 years and it's obviously good enough for us to have gotten to know each other and spark a relationship together. I've told her that being emotionally distant intensifies the challenge of a long distance relationship. I also pointed out that she hardly tells me she loves me or compliments me unless I say so first. She just tells me I think too much about it. I think it could be because she's an only child and was spoiled...which has lead to other issues regarding selfish behavior. A few months into our relationship, her ex-boyfriend tried getting back with her and a kiss happened followed by several lies to cover it up. She always claimed to resent him for constantly neglecting her and tells me I was her first love. That episode crushed me like nothing I've ever experienced. Within a month he was contacting her again and yet again she lied about it. Despite all that we remained together and she remained distant. Our plan was to finally live together this summer because things are different when we are together and we enjoy each other's company. But, she made a decision to accept a job that will keep us apart for an additional year without talking to me about it. I love her and I want to be with her but, with the distance, lack of intimacy, shaken trust and poor dialogue I wonder if this is all worth it.

------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------

With the kind of doubt you have, it would be absurd to enter into any type of permanent relationship. You may have your faults (we all do) but you've described a relationship that's not only incomplete, but you have complaints (personality conflicts) that I don't think make this a match made in heaven. It's good that you and she enjoy each others company when you are in the same room, but if you can't keep up some of the momentum during your time apart, that's not a good sign. You simply want a girlfriend who is expressive, shows emotion and is truly honest. She's none of these things with you, and I wonder if it would be best to consider ending it with her.
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Fri, 23 Jul 2010 01:17:48 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/972/1/Too-Much-Distance-In-This-Relationship/Page1.html <![CDATA[Ego-driven Girlfriend]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/969/1/Ego-driven-Girlfriend/Page1.html
Dear Miss Emily:

I have been in a relationship with my gf for about 2 years but i feel it's unfair at times because she wants to win all the time. Example: if an incident happened, she wants to be the winner and will argue with me if she is losing. She is high in ego and also very stubborn. Hardly she listens to me and think she is very great and perfect. I have been tolerating with her for this past 2 years, but i feel like a loser all the time. I cant share my feelings with her because it will end up in fight. She also can't control her temper and will react very rudely, not only with me but also to the family members. She is pretty, but beauty doesn't mean everything! I am going through this situation almost everyday and i feel fed up with it. I really need an advice on how to change her attitude to be a better person in life and being polite to everyone.  Please help me. I'm 27, she's 21.

--------------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------

She won't change unless she sees the error of her ways. I don't know if you have the guts to do this (because they have been lacking up until now), but I see no way to get your point across other than to tell her you are over it  -- and want a break from the relationship to better evaluate why you are with someone who does not respect your opinion, has anger issues, and treats those around her no better than pond scum. And be firm about it! You see, she gets away with bad behavior because people allow it. You may get frustrated and tell her so, but there are no adverse repercussions to the abuse she dishes out if you continue to stick around despite your modest rebellion. She may never change her attitude, no matter what you do, because some people will use their strong defense mechanisms to fight to the bitter end and will blame others because they "just don't get it." All this said, the longer you stay in this relationship, the less you'll feel like a man. No one respects someone who can be pushed around -- and that includes the person who's getting away with it.  If she bitches and moans, tell her to tweet Lindsay Lohan about it!



]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Wed, 21 Jul 2010 16:53:03 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/969/1/Ego-driven-Girlfriend/Page1.html <![CDATA[Waiting Game]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/964/1/Waiting-Game/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily:

About 6 months ago I met this girl in unusual circumstances and we've started this unusual relationship. The unusual part of this relationship is that she can get career/monetary gains through me so I've always taken her romantic representations with a grain of salt. Anyway, she's gone overseas for an extended trip to her home country, and right before she leaves, she says "if you miss me, email me" Due to the nature of our relationship, I thought it was best to give her space so I didn't email her at all. Then I get this email from her with some light romantic representations, to the tune of "I miss you..." I send a similar email back and now I haven't got a reply.  I'm more than happy to wait in all honesty, as I'm quite serious about this girl. However my personal "experience" tells me men do better when they give their love interest space. I would've stuck to the plan but all my female friends are saying "you made her take the first step already, a step the guy should have taken, and now you expect her to "Just Reply?" Apparently the onus is now on me to confirm how important she is by contacting her to "make up" for the fact I forced her to take the first step by keeping silent for a month initially.... Do you agree? I personally don't play games during courtship and am quite upfront, and I've let her known in fairly unequivocal terms my intentions... So I'm not sures whether its necessary... As always I think its bad to be too desperate and courtship is about when to keep silent just as much as its about when to talk... So Miss Emily, your opinion would be appreciated... Should I reassure her that I would contact her even if she keeps silent? Or should I wait? Please note in our Asian culture (rashly generalizing here) the men are expected to pursue the girls in most cases....

-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------

I am confused, and I think you are as well. And it's not about who does what first -- how much space you give her, or vice versa -- but it seems to boil down to whether you can trust her! You wrote: "The unusual part of this relationship is that she can get career/monetary gains through me, so I've always taken her romantic representations with a grain of salt." But let's cut to the chase. By asking you to e-mail her if you missed her, she put the ball in your court. Under the guise of "giving her space" (which seems silly, because she didn't ask for it), you don't send a message until she e-mails you. But, I humbly think, it is all about the dance (the game), despite your thinking it really isn't. Full circle, if you seem to think she's using you because of what you can do for her, career wise, there's no point in pursuing a relationship. Trust is the cornerstone to build on -- but I also see another perspective: If she were using you, she'd be more aggressive in her approach, or am I missing something here?
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Sun, 18 Jul 2010 19:30:49 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/964/1/Waiting-Game/Page1.html <![CDATA[This Fake Is No Biscuit!]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/962/1/This-Fake-Is-No-Biscuit/Page1.html Dear Emily:

  
I'm male, and I recently started a relationship with a guy and I'm crazy for him -- but whenever he wants to meet up and hang, I end up waiting a half hour and then he says he has somewhere to be and it hurts my feelings. What should i do?

-----------------------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------------------



To use a time-honored phrase, tell him "Shape up, or ship out!" You may be crazy about him, but he's not crazy about you -- or he's simply dysfunctional and wouldn't know what following through meant even if his flaky little life depended on it. That said, I'm inclined to think he thinks only of himself -- and you when the rare occasion strikes.



]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Sun, 18 Jul 2010 02:22:52 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/962/1/This-Fake-Is-No-Biscuit/Page1.html <![CDATA[End Marriage In Person]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/946/1/End-Marriage-In-Person/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily:

I have been married for about two and a half years, but I've been falling out of love for about a year now. I've  recently decided that I want a divorce. The problem is, I'm out of town all summer long. I feel good about my decision, and I want to end this as quickly as possible - and I don't want to have to lie to her all summer long about things being normal between us. So I guess my question is, is it okay to break up with her long distance, over skype or something, or do I need to wait until the end of August, and just keep pretending that all is normal?  Thanks for any assistance.

------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

Is there another woman involved? I ask this only because your wife will surely want to know if that's the reason you're asking for a divorce. I have a tendency to think it would be best to wait until you get home. If this is going to be a big blow to her, having you face-to-face would let her know you aren't at least treating her indifferently by using the miracle of technology to keep you in a safe zone. If you are sure you want to end this marriage, you can wait seven more weeks to get this done in a proper fashion.
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Tue, 06 Jul 2010 17:54:41 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/946/1/End-Marriage-In-Person/Page1.html <![CDATA[Ex Is With Best Friend]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/945/1/Ex-Is-With-Best-Friend/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily:

Recently I found out my ex-girlfriend of nearly 4 years has been dating my best friend for the last month. Our relationship ended about two months ago - I realize I did a lot of things to push her away during this time but she was the one who ultimately ended the relationship. I felt distant and upset by the situation and my communication with her suffered from it. Through talking to her, I found out the relationship had been occurring for about a month before my friend, who I work with, finally told me. We have mutual friends and during this period of silence, I was essentially the only one out of the loop. Making matters worse, although this had been set before they started dating, my ex-girlfriend will be living out the remainder of my friend's lease with him in his apartment for the next 2 months. Also, she was recently hired as a server within his second job. The entire experience has made me realize how much I still love her. It's difficult for me to accept the possibility of not having another chance with her. Obviously, I'm incredibly conflicted because it appears she's moved on altogether, but the circumstance it's with my best friend has seriously dowered everything. I'd hate to lose her from my life, entirely, but I currently have no contact with her. Any advice?

-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------

The one who suffers, is the one left behind. You feel betrayed, on many fronts, but friends (other than your "best friend") keeping you out of the loop is pretty standard fare. No one wanted to be the one to "sucker punch" you, so to speak. There's not much you can do but lick your wounds and see how this plays out. The saying "The heart wants what the heart wants" is cruel when you're at the losing end, but to the people who stand to gain by it see themselves as innocents in the name of love. Sure they should have told you from the get-go, but cowardice often looms its ugly head in these cases, and it doesn't change the fact that they are together. It's going to take time for you to adjust to this new development, but you simply don't know what is going to come down the line. Don't let your jealousy, and ego-deflation rule the day. You and she had four years to get it right, and it appears things weren't going well enough to keep you two together. Perhaps one day you will find your way back to each other, but it would be wise to consider broadening your horizons, see the world as a less hostile, jaded place, and invite new people (women!) into your life. In the interim, keep your head held high, and harness the much needed "stiff upper lip" to get you by.
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Tue, 06 Jul 2010 16:21:27 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/945/1/Ex-Is-With-Best-Friend/Page1.html <![CDATA[She Kept The $8,000]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/944/1/She-Kept-The-8000/Page1.html "T" I need more information from you: Here's my reply. I could not send it through traditional e-mail. Your address is not compatible with my computer. I have always had trouble with jrgweb.icertified.net.

Answer me this because I'm a little confused. Did she get the check earlier than she admitted? I say this because you wrote"TEN MONTHS LATER NOW, ALL THE SUDDEN, MIRACULOUSLY I FIND OUT." Was the check only in her name because the house is only in her name? Why do you think she wants this money -- for what down the road?  Do you believe that she wants complete control on how it's spent on the house, or do you think she will spend it anyway she chooses -- and that would mean on personal things she would want? I suspect she works full-time, and because you are on disability she has assumed more power in the relationship. What she did, I believe, shows a lack of respect for you. You and she are married, and these kinds of decisions-- how you spend income-- should be mutual. I can only think that because she, perhaps, is the larger bread winner, and because your credit history was in question, she believes she has the right to control how it's spent. I could see her point if you were habitually a poor manager of money, and she would think you'd somehow abuse it, but you didn't mention anything of that nature other than saying you have no vices. Please reply to my questions.
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Mon, 05 Jul 2010 14:37:37 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/944/1/She-Kept-The-8000/Page1.html <![CDATA[Finding Conpanionship After Spouse's Death]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/937/1/Finding-Conpanionship-After-Spouse039s-Death/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily:

My wife passed 5 months ago, and my sister-in-law and i got real close and started a serious thing . But her brother does not agree. Your thoughts?

------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------

Assuming she is unattached as you are (and I'm sorry to hear of your wife's passing), it's nobody's business but your, and your sister-in-law's. Life is too short not to find some happiness, and there is nothing cast in stone that says when it should happen after a spouse's death. Go for it, with apologies to none, and kudos to you for finding the companionship you richly deserve.
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Sun, 27 Jun 2010 17:18:03 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/937/1/Finding-Conpanionship-After-Spouse039s-Death/Page1.html <![CDATA[Now Longer Wants Friends With Benefits Status]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/929/1/Now-Longer-Wants-Friends-With-Benefits-Status/Page1.html
Dear Miss Emily:
So recently I started a awkward "friends with benefits/Pseudo-Dating" situation with an ex. We talk, cuddle, have sex and spend time together whenever we can (Around VERY hectic work schedules) but we don't have an exclusive relationship with titles (BF/GF) and I've realized I still have feelings for her. I'm horribly confused in this situation and after talking with her friends...So is she. I want to have an exclusive relationship but when I asked recently if she wanted to take that step she says she needs time to think about it. Our relationship originally ended with us taking a break and me dating her friend (Out of spite honestly...Not my proudest moment) so I understand that she's guarding her feelings but I don't know how to show her how I feel. I plan on cooking her dinner next time we meet and showing her how I feel next time we meet but Is that too much right now? I REALLY want to fix this and try again.

-------------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------

I see no reason to push it. I understand that the FWB relationship is often misguided. Operating under its umbrella is, for some, nothing more than an agreement to forgo any commitment -- even if the two people care a great deal for each other. But, because of your past with her, I'd take the urgency out of it and let it flow into something more meaningful. If you push this, it can backfire because time is what you need to get it right. Now there's no assurance that this will do the trick, but patience is a virtue in this case. A nice dinner prepared by you shows your talents, if you are a good cook. But make it casual, don't trip over your feet trying to put a cloth napkin in her lap -- and avoid candlelight on this one. Right now -- keep it casual, fun and relaxed. If, in a reasonable amount of time, she still doesn't want to get more involved -- it might be wise to ditch the FWB relationship, because it will only break your heart.

]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Wed, 23 Jun 2010 03:43:36 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/929/1/Now-Longer-Wants-Friends-With-Benefits-Status/Page1.html