http://www.askmissemily.com en-us N/A emily@askmissemily.com Fri, 25 Jul 2008 01:39:39 EDT 20 http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/235/1/Leaving-Me-Standing/Page1.html
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 1 ½  years and are committed to each other. We are in our late 40s and live approx 2 hours from each other. We get together every weekend and one evening during the week. Often, when I go visit in her city, she has a tendency to leave me standing by myself when we go out to a club or an event to talk to friends; usually always men. Rarely does she do it to me to go talk with women. She will just say, "I will be back," or sometimes she’ll just walk away and may not return from 15 to 25 minutes – occasionally longer. When I address it with her that I don’t appreciate being left behind sitting by myself, she gets an attitude and acts like it's not a big deal. I remind her that I have never done that to her when she is with me, in my town, and she tells me that she isn’t me or that she wouldn’t care if I did that. Am I overreacting?  How do I get her to understand that I don’t like her to leave me by myself not knowing anybody for such long periods of time? I don’t believe there is anything going on to be jealous about, but she does like the attention of men. I have caught her doing some on-line flirting in the past with sexual innuendos and believe I put a stop to that.
Had it

--------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------

Dear Had:

Commuter relationships are not easy to maintain from the get-go, and when you do see each other, quality time is important. The need for your girlfriend to flirt with other men, whether you are there or not, is troubling.  Rational thinking tells me that there is such a thing as harmless flirting – something some people need to do to reinforce their sense of self-worth and, well, it's a sexy thing, isn't it?  A pre-mating ritual!  However, her cavalier attitude toward your position on this  makes you feel small and alone – something that one doesn’t want from a committed relationship. You can’t expect to be stuck like glue to each other when socializing at a club, or outings with friends, but  a healthy relationship is based on trust and respect.  Monitoring her online penchant for flirting, and her lack of sensitivity to your needs, does not spell COMMITMENT.  Make up your mind.  Is this something you can learn to accept – blow-off, because you “need” her in your life (for whatever reason) or will you decide this behavior is not acceptable to you?  Time often settles this issue.  It’s only a matter of how much time you are willing to waste before you have the courage to do something about it.      

]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Thu, 24 Jul 2008 16:19:08 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/235/1/Leaving-Me-Standing/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/234/1/The-Go-between-Gets-Screwed/Page1.html
 I had a girlfriend who wanted me to contact my guy for his services.  A week ago, she asked if she could buy something from him and gave me the money, but did not have enough. So she got something else.  This past weekend she called me, on Friday night, and said that she spoke with her husband and they decided to buy the original item again.  I told her the price and she said, “that’s fine” and that tomorrow she could get it after her husband came home. She called me Saturday morning asking if I spoke with him, so I begged my guy, once again, to come though for me, and he did.  I went to her house and she said her husband gets off at 3:30.  Around 4, he came home and she spoke to him and, then, came back down and said he changed his mind.  Now my guy is pissed at me and won't answer my calls or text.  On Monday, I saw his cousin and told him what happened and that just added fuel to the fire. Now I think I have lost him for good.  He lost out on a 125.00 product. I feel so guilty that I told him I would give him the money and he said "keep it.  It's not like I would get it anyways. Screw it!"  I understand that he is angry and upset with me and maybe he needs time.  So I think that since he won't answer my calls or texts, I was going to send the money to his job with a note.  Please help me.  I’m so torn about this issue, I don't want to lose him! And I think he thinks I am a liar and don't take his job seriously. But I do! And I feel miserable. I think if I send the money, he would know that I am truly sorry.
Done Deal

------------------------Miss Emily’s advice--------------------

Dear Done:

The odds were against this deal going through.  Some services  might be considered a luxury because, in a bad economy, this kinda thing happens. I’m not excusing your girlfriend, but it's possible her husband decided to buy gasoline, instead!  You can explain this to your meanie-weanie boyfriend when he starts talking to you, again. If you feel he really went out on a limb for you and your friend (and got soaked for the $125.00), you could send some money to him; unless he’s right about never seeing it.  However, if he can use this service for himself, or resell it, he really did react inappropriately. Bottom-line?  If your boyfriend wants to dump you for this without even trying to work it out, reasonably, you didn’t have a good relationship in the first place. This might be a time to take a look at that – but, at least, learn to use the word, “No,” whenever you feel it is right.  You didn’t really want to be the “go-to” person in the first place, did you?  “NO!”          ]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Wed, 23 Jul 2008 23:39:54 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/234/1/The-Go-between-Gets-Screwed/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/233/1/Putting-Flirtation-in-Check/Page1.html
Hi – I have written to you on 2 occasions and your advice has been invaluable.
I hope you remember me.  Just a quick re-cap.  When we last e-mailed, I had posed the question to him “would someone like me be the wrong kind of person?” to which he replied that he was flattered but wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, now, especially since his divorce was only finalized a couple of weeks ago. I have subsequently found out that he does have a girlfriend.  He met her very soon after he found out about his ex-wife's infidelity.  However, when we spoke, he told me that she is a rebound relationship and that he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings and that’s why he’s with her.  I am not quite sure what to make of that.  Anyway, getting to the question I needed to ask you.  We have continued to sms each other,  however it has progressed into more sexually orientated sms’s (from his side).  He was quite complimentary about my “chest area” and said “they were lovely” and how he’d like to see them and how I should show them off more often.  I find his behavior quite bizarre, especially since he has a girlfriend.  Why do you think he would bother to ask me these questions?  Of course, as usual, he is full of compliments but once again, with him, that’s exactly where it starts and ends...!  Do you have any pearls of wisdom you could give me?  I don’t understand this man!
Nonplused

---------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------

Dear Nonplused:

Ah yes, I remember your past e-mails, and I am happy that my advice has been beneficial to you.  But now, you are going to have to be clear in your own mind what this guy is all about.  I think any man who says his girlfriend is a rebound, but stays because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, is a liar – because he’s either lying to her or you.  I’m not crazy about guys who make comments about a woman’s breasts unless they are “on display” and begging for an opinion.  It’s low-class no matter how you slice it, and I think you should be offended.  This kind of banter is demeaning to women (although it’s fine for chickens) and is appropriate only in an intimate setting.  He’s not serious about anything other than wanting a reaction out of you and getting his jollies.  I remember him telling you, to paraphrase, “If the right guy came around, he’d be lucky to have you.”  Well, he isn’t it (he already told you that) and now we know all you need to know.  Next question?          
 

 ]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Wed, 23 Jul 2008 21:08:09 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/233/1/Putting-Flirtation-in-Check/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/232/1/He039s-Not-Ready-For-Marriage/Page1.html
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 ½  years; both divorced for about 5 years, now, and we are 40 years old.  He has a 10 year old daughter and we get along great. We are "living together without living together.”  He comes home to my place ever night but one.  In the beginning we talked about marriage, but it's obvious he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. Now that it's been over 2 years, I want to know if he plans on getting married again-to me. We are committed to each other and have a healthy relationship. I have brought up marriage and he says he's not ready.  He seemed to be a bit defensive about it, and it seems he is scared and doesn't want to divorce again (neither do I).  I don't want to bring it up any more because he is so uncomfortable talking about it, and I would never want to force him into it.  I just need to know if he does have plans for us to get married and not just buying time because he likes it the way it is. This living together without living together is getting old. What should I do?
Ready t o wed

-----------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------------

Dear Ready:

First of all, please read some of the advice I’ve given on this issue. Click on relationships-women on the left side of my site.  Find the titles that pertain to commitment. This should make you feel better, because your predictament is not uncommon.  In a perfect world, marriages would work so well, only “until death do us part” would end them.  But in the real world, 50% of the time marriage goes south and the wounds can be deep and, sometimes, never heal. I firmly believe that if all else is going well, getting anxious over this will destroy what you have together. For some women, societal pressure to marry hangs over their heads like a rain-filled cloud. It's as if a voice whispers, “If he loved you, he’d marry you . . .you useless blob of protoplasm!”  In other words, it would be a shame if you did not analysis your own situation and base your decison on that alone.  That said, if marriage is what you want, come hell of high water, set a time limit on how much more you can stand in your present circumstance.  When that limit is up, go to him and tell him that you want a definite marriage commitment.  If he tells you he still isn’t ready and looks as if he’s going to hurl, plan a farewell dinner.  Unless I’m losing my touch, I see no other choices.  

]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Tue, 22 Jul 2008 02:41:33 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/232/1/He039s-Not-Ready-For-Marriage/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/231/1/My-So-called-Relationship/Page1.html
I have been living with the man I love for over 8 years. We are not married. We have had some rough times, as do all. About 1 month ago, he comes in and tells me he is leaving. Now, however, we are still seeing each other, but he is living with his mother (and loving the pampering).  He is 37 years old, and I am 44. He does not want a commitment, and I am unsure if I want it. I LOVE HIM. I told him last week that if we are going to see each other, that he should ask me out on a date. We had planned to go out on Sat. night, but he was hung-over from the night before – out with his buddies. He showed up at my door, at 11 a.m, looking and feeling bad. I fed him, gave him XXX, and a shower. He slept for three hours on my bed. When it was time for our date, he simply said, "I am broke."  I'll give you a rain check on our date. He followed that with, "Let's stay home and order Chinese take-out." I was totally upset and I blew up and he left. Should I have gone along with his plan? It seems as though he is determined to do as he pleases, with no regard for my needs. Am I wrong for feeling used? We occasionally meet and have sex. I do feel used at times, but I am so in love with him, I cannot help myself. What should I do? I cannot help that I am still in love with him. I do not want to be totally without him. HELP!!!
Second-hand Rose

------------------------Miss Emily’s advice-----------------------

Dear Second-hand:

I think you are really asking me to sanction this  relationship (no matter how dysfunctional it is), because you love him and you can’t help yourself.  Okay, stay with him and continue to be used.  No! No! No!  I can’t say that, even though that’s what may happen; until he finally tells you it’s over, permanently, and even he is no longer interested in taking advantage of your “soft spot” for him.  I think that anyone who does not get the respect they say they want, has a history of not getting it.  Women are especially vulnerable because, like it or not, we still live in a patriarchal society that puts men and their needs, first.  Oh sure, women can jerk men around, but it often has something to do with a man’s weakness for sex, or an empty stomach. This man (and I use the term loosely), does not want a committed relationship, but common decency tells me that showing up hung-over, you feeding him, his being broke and, then, you servicing him, is pathetic on both your parts. Let his mommy continue to baby her 37 year-old son, while you figure out why you would love a man who, for all intents and purposes, cares so little for you.  Break this enabling cycle, now, or suffer the consequences. ]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Sun, 20 Jul 2008 20:24:50 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/231/1/My-So-called-Relationship/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/230/1/Bridge-Over-Troubled-Waters/Page1.html
This might take a paragraph or more.  Here’s the gist of it:  My husband and I have been married for only one year. You see, we have loved and known each other since I was 15 and, now, I’m 23 and he is 25.  I was in the service, which separated us for a couple of years. We fought all we could to stay together.  He is now in the service and deployed. I have tried and tried to get through to him about how much I love him, but he doesn't seem to listen. He doesn't show me affection, and doesn't tell me he loves me. On July 27, it will be one year since I saw him last, which was when we got married. Anyway, I don't know what to do. I know he loves me, but it’s so important for him to show it to me. We were really in love about a year ago, and when we were in high school together. When I talk to him about how I feel , he tells me that I’m just being a woman, and stop thinking about it. I am the only real relationship he has ever had, and only sexual partner. I just need answers! My friends aren't giving them to me, probably cause they don't know what to say. I cannot let go of him.  He is my soul mate, and I still believe in us. We both hurt one another, emotionally, in the past couple of years.  I’m sorry if this seems random.
Aching Heart

---------------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------------

Dear Aching:

Your circumstances are less than ideal for a marriage to flourish.  I am sure that you love each other, and that should not be questioned.  However, you were gone for two years and, now, your husband is far away.  Everything that you have together is being tested by the distance between you and . . . “The War.”  That alone, creates emotional feelings that bring a whole new dimension to this relationship. Now it has become a test of endurance.  If I were you, I would not let words create damage that cannot be repaired upon his return.  I know how hard this is to do, but table any requests for undying love, for you, during his active military duty.  It may be that the decision to get married, before he left, was a way to keep emotionally connected to home while facing an uncertain future.  Physically living in one world, and trying to maintain a foothold in another is difficult, at best. You may not like how this story ends, but you should not aid any failure of your marriage by showing your insecurity regarding his love for you. Give him pep talks, tell him you love him, and you will be here when he returns. If you become a support system to him while he is gone, you create a foundation that will you give you a head-start in trying to mend any past differences.  I wish you much success.         

]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Fri, 18 Jul 2008 00:14:18 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/230/1/Bridge-Over-Troubled-Waters/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/229/1/Nine-Under-One-Roof/Page1.html
 I'm a 35 yr. old with a husband and 2 children. My father died 2 years ago after a very short fight with cancer. A few months after his death, my mother asked us for help. She wanted us to sell our house and move in with her and my, then, 13 year-old sister, because she could not support the large house that my father built (with his own 2 hands) alone. My brother was also asked to do the same. There are 9 people living here now. I thought I did the right thing. But now, I'm not so sure. We put our home on the market. Found a family that was able to rent to own(which covers about 3/4 of the bills for that property). We have been here for 1 year  and my family is miserable! My mom sets rules for my children (10 & 13 year-old boys) but does not do the same for my now 15 year old sister. My mother and my 13 yr. old had WW3 in the kitchen a few days ago. My son tried to stick up for himself, verbally. She told him that he is going to Hell, and that it’s her house and we just live in the basement and pay rent. That she is selling the house and will move with her sister to another state. My husband had to leave work to break up this war. My mother has not talked to any of us, except to say good morning or hello in response to our greeting. We gave up everything for her and my sister to keep their home. Without being thrown out or causing more tension, what is a tactful way to ask her if she meant these things that she said? I thought this was my home. But I must have been wrong.
Displaced

------------------------Miss Emily’s advice---------------------

Dear Displaced:

Wrong!  It’s not your house and, despite what your mother might have said to the contrary to get you to go along with this ill-fated plan, she's pulling rank. You, being vulnerable (and I'm not discounting the possibility that you might have thought this idea was advantageous to your family, as well) walked into a nightmare. Throwing nine people under one roof is tantamount to someone placing land mines throughout the house and expecting the occupants to always remember to avoid them. To make this work, you'd have to be living at Buckingham Palace!  I don’t think it matters if your mother was just letting off steam and making idle threats, this situation is toxic. Find an alternative living situation because, if you don’t, what you see now may be child’s play next to what can happen. This is not a “Cheaper by the Dozen” movie, where madcap, zany events occur and everyone wins in the end.  The emotional damage to your family is not worth the risk of putting up with this volatile environment. Your family's welfare should come first.  Do not be taken in by a new plan for reconciliation and promises of "this will be your house someday."  A wise person once said, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”  In your case, truer words were never spoken.     ]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Thu, 17 Jul 2008 20:04:35 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/229/1/Nine-Under-One-Roof/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/228/1/When-Vanity-Takes-A-Hit/Page1.html
I'm a 21-year-old woman who is intelligent, beautiful and miserable. Basically, my pride is shot. Home from college, I went out with the girls a couple of Friday nights ago. My parents were out for the evening, so I came home to a supposedly empty house but I walked in on a couple of burglars and, when they left, I was thoroughly bound and gagged, hogtied on the kitchen floor. No way could I get loose and I had to lie there for several hours until my parents came home. Unfortunately, they came home with three neighbor couples and all saw me tied up in an utterly helpless heap. I should be thankful I wasn't hurt but having family and friends see me trussed up like a salami was humiliating beyond belief. I've always been a very competent person.  Had I been able to free myself I'd probably be bragging but, instead, I feel like a chump. I'm depressed, embarrassed, discouraged. How do I regain my sense of self worth? My dignity?  I don't want to feel forever...
Bound and Gagged

-----------------Miss Emily’s advice---------------

Dear Bound:

Believe me, it would not have been better had they snuffed you out.  And I might add, many thieves do this in order to leave no witnesses.  False pride is just that,  false.  It can ruin a person's life, and he/she is the last person to figure it out. This is the central plot-line of all Greek tragedies.  When I get miffed that things happen to me that I cannot control, I do the old “It could be worse.  I could be rummaging through the soil for bits of grain in civil war-torn Africa, to sustain my life. I know, the “be grateful for what I have” mantra, which is supposed to appease our savage souls in the worst of times, doesn’t help much when brains,  and beauty are compromised.  But you really need to put it in perspective. This is your reality, and I’m not trying to make fun of it, but these people could have killed you and you got off easy – not to mention how happy your parents must be that their daughter is still alive so that she can live another day with  her genetic gifts.  My humble opinion?  Grace in the face of tragedy has greater value than all you have said in your letter.  I am sure that your parents and their friends saw nothing less than a brave woman, and only you see that your vanity was marred by this unfortunate occasion.  Personally, not even knowing you, I’m glad you are still with us.       

]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Thu, 17 Jul 2008 01:11:11 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/228/1/When-Vanity-Takes-A-Hit/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/227/1/He-Blasted-Me/Page1.html
I went to the job of the man I've been sleeping with to ask why he would lie to me about other women he is sleeping with. When I got there and saw him, he proceeded to blast me out royally. He said things like how dare I come to his job – to stay away from and leave him alone, etc. I have no intention of contacting him, ever again, after he degraded me like this but something tells me that somewhere down the road he will try to contact me. What are your thoughts on this?
Fed-up

---------------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------------

Dear Fed-up:

You’re not going to want to read this, but I don’t blame this guy for “blasting” you at his place of work.  This behavior is an absolute no-no and, if you don’t understand that, he not only has a problem, but you do, as well. If he’s been sleeping around, and you’ve found out about it, that’s all you need to know.  Forego the drama, and if he does try to contact you, tell him “That ship has sailed.” In the future, try to be a tad more discriminating with your choice of bed partners. ]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Wed, 16 Jul 2008 16:08:11 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/227/1/He-Blasted-Me/Page1.html http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/226/1/Oh-boy/Page1.html
The guy I'm falling in love with is my best friend’s older brother’s friend. I dated him 2 years ago. I just met my best friend this year. Her mom won't let me talk to him when he and I are at my friend’s house. We both want to go out with each other, but if my best friend finds out, it would ruin our relationship. But when I'm with him, I'm the happiest. What should I do?
Walking a fine line

------------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------

Dear Walking:

I am somewhat confused by your letter. If you have already dated this guy, I am not sure why your friendship would be ruined with this girl.  I could understand why you friend’s mom is monitoring your involvement with him (under her roof) if there’s a big age difference – or a concern that there will be some kind of sexual activity, but for no other reasons.  Think this out.  If there is nothing you are failing to tell me in this letter, why should anyone be able to dictate the direction you take with this guy? Learn this lesson now: A friendship is not based on jealousy, control and fear.  If this “best friend” exhibits any of these characteristics, cut your losses and begin interviewing for a new best friend.  


]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Wed, 16 Jul 2008 03:15:58 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/226/1/Oh-boy/Page1.html