Dear Miss Emily:

My fiance and I have had a weird relationship so far.  He is currently in jail. Just a few days after he went to jail, I talked to a girl who also said that she was dating him. I was deeply hurt. He explained that he had bee dating her when we met, and he hadn't gotten the nerve to break up with her. The thing that he had with her is over. He will be home in about 3 months, and I told him that I will wait for him and he trusts me completely. Yesterday, my ex got in contact with me. I agreed to meet and speak with him. Our relationship had ended quite badly. To make a long story short, we ended up sleeping together. Immediately afterward, I felt terrible. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart. I have never been the type to cheat. I do not know if I should tell my boyfriend and make him lose all trust in me, or if I should keep it a secret and make sure that it never happens again. I am afraid that I will lose him if I tell him, and that is the last thing that I wanna do. Should I tell him?

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This whole story is absurd. Not that it isn't true (on your part), but I think you're being railroaded by a con artist. This guy is your fiance, and he failed to mention to you that he didn't tell a woman he was dating it's over? He was dating her when you met, and he hadn't the heart to break up with her? Gee, what a guy. He's in jail, he was seeing another woman at the same time he's engaged to you, and you worry about him trusting you? I'm stunned at your naivete. I don't doubt that you ex is not the right guy for you, because you seem to have a habit of choosing the wrong men. Of course, if you told your jailbird you slept with your ex that would cause tremendous doubt on his part, and he probably would not trust you, again -- or dump you (that would be a blessing in disguise). But since there's no trust in this relationship, anyway, I wonder what difference it would truly make if you did tell him?! This relationship is not only weird, it's wrong. And if you stay with him, you'll have only yourself to blame when you found out he was nothing more than what he appeared to be, but you put blinders on to avoid seeing the truth.

Dear Miss Emily:

Hello. A very close friend of mine has recently fallen for a guy who is really unstable. One second he is telling her he loves her, the next he is breaking up with her. They have been on and off several times for the last 4 months. I have talked to her about it, telling her she deserves somebody who won't play her like a puppet. But she keeps getting back with him. I hate seeing her get hurt every time, so I sent a really long message to her boyfriend, suggesting that he sort himself out and stop hurting her. Am I getting too involved in their relationship? And should I just back away and watch the same vicious cycle continue?

---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------

Yes, it's time to back off. If anything you said had been taken to heart, your girlfriend would have decided to stay away from this guy. Your letter to him, more than likely, won't make a difference in their relationship, but it could, now, drive a wedge in the relationship you have with her. But whatever the outcome, your friend seems to want to learn the hard way, or hope she can prove everyone is wrong about him. But, ultimately, it's her life, and you must let her live it -- no matter her apparent need to be jerked around.

Dear Miss Emily:

OK the background story. My friend and I had recently started dating. We were seeing each other for 8 weeks. My previous relationship had just ended, and I was actually still sharing the house (not the room, I was in the spare) with my ex gf and her sister and looking to move out, which I did. The thing is that I selfishly tried to protect my own heart, and assumed my new friend's reaction, by lying to her saying I was actually living with friends. As you can imagine, this eventually all came out, and we broke up because I'd obviously obliterated the trust she had shared with me. I went away and really looked at my actions and returned a more positive, and powerful spirit; promising my new friend patience, respect and love (that had actually never faded). Since then, we have started dating again and we're doing really well. We both feel strong and happy. However, her mates have been discussing the previous situation over and had advised her of their opinions. Now she doesn't tell them that we are dating, again, and avoids questions about it or makes stuff up. I know she hates lying. and never does so this in turn hurts me because I know I am the cause. Now she heads to friends' events (bbq's, parties, etc) without me. On top of the secrecy, this makes me feel that she is ashamed of our relationship, even though we share amazing times and blessings of love when we're together. Why else would she desire to turn up to these events alone? My question is, (and I probably already know the answer) how do I discuss this with her gently, without her feeling like I'm impatient or co-dependent? I'm a strong and good man, and have faith in our beatiful relationship, but I feel this is damaging it by reintroducing mistrust and denial. Any advice would be wonderful. Thank you :)

-----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------

Sadly, what she's doing is the same thing you did when you first lied to her. You risked losing her, which you did for a while, and she thinks she risks the respect she has with her friends if she were to cop to seeing you, again. Both scenarios smack of gutlessness. A strong, confident individual stands behind the decisions he, or she makes, with apologies to none! Maybe her belief is that time is what makes the difference in admitting you are back in her life, but there has to be a shelf life for that thinking. Right now you're like the mistress -- a guilty pleasure that cannot be shared with anyone. If you're going to have a quality relationship with trust and openness, there should be no hiding your relationship from anyone. By doing it, others are pulling the strings of your lives, and that is done without a rational defense. She's not ashamed of your relationship per se, she's embarrassed that she's human, and has the capacity to forgive. Those are good qualities, despite her seeing them as weaknesses of character. Talk to her about this, and come to some workable agreement; or each of your lack of courage will continue to rear its ugly head, again, and that will be the, ultimate, demise of this relationship.

Dear Miss Emily:

My boyfriend and I have been together for about four months now. I know that's not very long. but we have spent nearly every day together so we have grown extremely close within that short amount of time. I don't have the highest self esteem, but every guy I've been in a relationship with has always made me feel comfortable with who I am, what I look like, but not this one! Within four months. he has never once called me beautiful, told me I was sexy, or that he was attracted to me. He never initiates sex. or any physical contact at all. Despite how he makes me feel, I try to reassure him that I'm attracted to him. I call him pet names like "cutie" "sexy" "hottie" -- just little names to let him know that I'm attracted to him. I just don't understand why he isn't attracted to me. I honestly don't know how to react. I made the mistake today by asking him if he was attracted to me. He said "yes, why you'd ask?" I replied "Well, I just honestly don't feel like you are." Two hours later...still no response. :( help please.

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What you see is what you get with this one. It's more than possible he would be like this in any relationship he had. The biggest mistake you could make, however, is thinking he will change. That's a lesson in futility. Few people change their basic nature. It seems odd that he would stay with you if you didn't "float his boat", and that's why I think he's just, well, kind of a dud. He doesn't initiate sex, or physical contact and, for you, that's not a relationship, it's closer to dentistry and pulling teeth. Spare yourself any more self-esteem blows from a guy who simply seems inept. You and he must have some things in common, or I can't figure out why you'd accept his low libido, and total lack of enthusiasm. If he's a chronic pot smoker, that could account for some of his sexual lethargy, but that's a guess on my part. I think you need to send him packing, and stop trying to fish for compliments. It's demeaning to you, and totally unnecessary. You want a man, not a mannequin.

My boyfriend and I just broke up after a 5 month long distance relationship.  I went to visit him every 2 weeks for a long weekend and for all holidays.  I was planning to move there once I was done with school.  We got along very well.  He is a family man.  He thinks nothing is more important than family.  His 6 year old daughter is his number 1 priority, and he always made that very clear.  It took us 4 months to even have our first date because he always wanted her or his mom included in everything we did.  The breaking point was when we had a discussion about traveling.  I told him I wanted to see a few places before I die.  Greece, Italy and England.  He always made it clear that he doesn't want to travel anywhere too far from home as he did that when he was in the Navy.  He has no interest in it.  I always said I would go with my friends or my sisters if he wouldn't go.  Well, it finally came out that he doesn't believe in people who are in relationships going on vacations without the other unless it is with their family.  So I can go to Greece, but it has to be with my sisters or my mom.  I cannot go with my friends.  I cannot go to visit my friends whom I am moving away from to move to him.  I get together with my high school girlfriends once a year for a weekend, and he doesn't believe in that.  He thinks that is something single people do, but all of them are married with kids.  I said I couldn't be with someone who couldn't support my dreams of traveling to these places and who woouldn't allow me to visit friends.  I just can't wrap my head around his way of thinking.  Am I thinking wrong?  Should I make family the most important thing?  I do want a family, and I do feel they are very important, but can't I have both?  Am I being unreasonable wanting the option to visit my friends once in a while? He said he wants a simple and stable life, which is what I want as well, but I also want to see these places as well as my friends.  I asked him if he would compromise and agree to one week a year.  I would travel to see my friends, or to see something on my bucket list, and he said it wouldn't work.  I know he was worried about other events that might come up that my friends might invite me to, and he would say no.  My argument is - if I were to travel it might be 5% of our lives together.  Isn't our relationship worth 5% of our lives?  He said we think too differently, it would never work.  Please help me understand his way of thinking.

---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------

Dear Miss Emily:
 
I'd like to get advice on how to start a relationship with an older, inexperienced man. I'm 26 and he's 41. I've always been attracted to, or dated the younger guy and, suddenly, I feel that I'm attracted to him. We work together. and he's a bit of a mentor to me as well. We're communicating on a daily basis but, basically, all our conversations are related to work. Suddenly he said to me that I was able to call him, not only when something unfixable happens at work, but just to say that, for instance, everything's alright. And I did that. One Friday evening, I called him just to say hi and ask what he's up to. He seemed very surprised, and it was me who tried to keep a conversation going. It didn't last that long. After that, I was a bit nervous to meet him at work (like a teenager) but pretended that everything was so natural that he actually came to me first to ask did I have fun that Friday, and stuff. I need to mention that he always comes to say goodbye to me before heading home from work. Last week, I was really bold in my own terms, and we actually started to flirt at work (or it was what I would assume to be flirting) and, in the end, I said  I'd like to invite him for a coffee some time. He stood speechless with a starnge smile, and I said I meant it. So he finally said, "That's nice!". Some more details about me and him: My ex boyfriend is working at the place (we broke up like 3 months ago), and he knows it. I'm pretty new at work, but I've heard romours that he still lives with his parents, and he told me   he has no family of his own. I believe that he can be a 40-year-old-virgin or, at least, he has never had a real girlfriend. He never goes out. I hope this gives you some brief overview of my situation. My questions are: How should I approach him so that I'd not scare him off or make a wrong impression? I've never been involved with an older man, and I'd like to know what would be appropriate to do for us to become more than friends? I really like him, would like to know him better and develop a relationship, but I'm afraid I'll go overboard. Thank you for your time!

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