<![CDATA[Ask Miss Emily - Articles]]> http://www.askmissemily.com en-us N/A emily@askmissemily.com Thu, 29 Jul 2010 08:39:02 EDT 20 <![CDATA[Houseguest From Hell]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/985/1/Houseguest-From-Hell/Page1.html Dear Emily,

My husband and I entertained his brother and wife for a month at our beach house in Costa Rica. We don't see my brother in law often as they live in So. Africa  and we live in the US. I have met my brother in law's wife once when they visited with us for three weeks in California and didn't care for her at all. When they visited with us in CR there was some tension as I think she is a selfish, self absorbed, insensitive woman who acted like a princess while they were there. My question is; Although my husband has received a note of thanks from his brother, should I expect to receive  a note of appreciation or thanks from her ? I didn't hear anything from her the last time they visited either.

-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------

You can't expect to receive a note of thanks from anyone who is selfish, self-absorbed and insensitive. That's what makes these people so "special," because they lack good breeding -- or nature dealt them scads of badly mutated genes. Consider the source. In the future, if you have them as guests, you have every right to set a time-limit on visits (a month is a long time to spend with a boor) and not allow yourself to be treated like bellhops. I understand it's a sensitive issue because this is your brother-in-law's wife, but that doesn't mean you need to put up with a middle-aged Paris Hilton. You can be thankful that they live in South Africa, and not in Oregon. Here's a book I found on Amazon that might be helpful in managing difficult people:

Dealing with People You Can't Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst [Paperback]

Dr. Rick Brinkman (Author), Dr. Rick Kirschner  

Emily
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Thu, 29 Jul 2010 04:01:13 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/985/1/Houseguest-From-Hell/Page1.html <![CDATA[Sibling Pulling Rank]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/984/1/Sibling-Pulling-Rank/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily:

My sister has a really good guy friend I've just come to know. He's a sweet, charming guy that I've fallen for pretty hard but my sister is upset because he was her friend first. She's not interested in him romantically but she has issues about the two of us spending time with one another. I'm not certain whether to respect her wishes or to go with my feelings. I need advice! Thanks.

------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------

Tough call, because you (more than likely) will be involved with your sister for the rest of your life, and this guy may not be a constant. From an objective point of view, she has no right to dictate whether you can, or cannot have a relationship with him. She's not only controlling your life, but his, as well. I would try to reason with her and let her know, in the nicest way possible, she is wrongly attempting to control two lives, other than her own, and if she could see it from that point of view you'd appreciate it. Again, tell her you'd like to pursue something with him and, if he's on board, you won't inhibit her friendship with him in any way. That said, she's being selfish and possessive (threatened), and it may not change her mind. Bottom line: weigh loss against gain.
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Thu, 29 Jul 2010 03:55:13 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/984/1/Sibling-Pulling-Rank/Page1.html <![CDATA[Dealing With A Player]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/983/1/Dealing-With-A-Player/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily:

So this guy is a family friend of ours (my cousin's best friend) and he is 29 years old. I am 20 and i guess we have just recently become really close because of an injury he acquired. Prior to 2 weeks from today, he and I never really hung out. He texted me randomly one afternoon asking me to come visit him alongside my cousin who was stopping by his home.I couldn't do that because i had to work so i asked him if he would accept a rain-check for when next my cousin was visiting. Well he responded asking why i had to visit him only during the times when my cousin was visiting. I told him no it doesn't have to be that way and just let me know when, and send me and invitation and I'll try to honor it. Two days later he invited me over. I didn't know what we would do so i brought some fresh produce over and made dinner. the following day i got another invite, and another. Last week, he injured himself while playing football. Now i figured, since he is new in town and has very few friends i will show up and assist him with a couple of things around the house and pay him company since he was asked to stay at home for a week so as to enable the ankle heal. During this period, i happen to find out that i have feelings for him but i dont let them take me far given that i wasnt sure of his feelings and the fact that he constantly mentioned how old he is which doesn't count to me in a any way shape or form. Well, Thursday evening, he prevented me from driving home under the idea that t was pretty late and so he offered to give me his bed while he slept on the couch. However, in the morning he came to the sitting room where i had moved to and started tickling me. He then asked if i could give him a massage which i did. Then he told me not to trust him because he was a player. He asks me how i feel about what he just said and i told him i couldn't say anything except that i do have feelngs for him. He then told me not to have feelings for him because he was a bad boy. I asked him what was stopping him from making a move and and he said he was talking to someone else. Broken hearted and hurt, i decided to leave but he kept pulling me back about 4 or 5 times into his arms and giving me extremely long hugs like i was going to dissapear or something. However, i told him at least she won so i should leave and he told me not to have feelings for him because he doesn't want me to get hurt and he overly respects me and the way i carry myself. I tried purposefully to leave, but he kept stoping me. He wanted me to promise everything was going to be fine an we would hang out as usual.. I told him i couldnt promise that but ill try. The whole time he had a bonner because i could feel it each time he hugged me from behind or the front.  Then, to find out the truth, i asked him for a kiss and he said it wasnt right but then kissd me still. He cooked for us both every other night i was there. However, he recently appologized for having said he wanted to touch my ass and adviced not to give anyone the go ahead, esp. when it gets people hurt...He said he was worried about me because i might not want to chill with him anymore. I told him i wasnt holding grudges against him and he could stop worrying Now what my question is, how do i deal with this situation and with him? Does he care about me and is just trying to deny the fact that he does or what?"

----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

His warning to you that he's a player let's him off the guilt-hook if you end up getting hurt, right? "Don't have feelings for me, but is this hard-on getting to you?" That said, you are responsible for your behavior, as well. I would assume he has feelings for you, why not? But he's talking to another girl he has feelings for, as well.  If I were you, I'd back off because he seems to be talking and behaving in a contradictory manner. If he wants a relationship (and, of course, there are no guarantees any relationship will work), let him do the pursuing and come to you rather than being an "in house" visitor. I understand he's been injured, but having you in his home makes it safe territory for him -- and not safe territory for you.  If he is a player, like he admits "forewarned is forearmed!" Use your better judgment in this matter because it really, like most things, comes down to a matter of choice and the responsibility that comes with that choice.
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Wed, 28 Jul 2010 17:21:46 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/983/1/Dealing-With-A-Player/Page1.html <![CDATA[Soulmate Is Guarding His Feelings]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/982/1/Soulmate-Is-Guarding-His-Feelings/Page1.html
Well, i am 42 years old and i feel that my boyfriend id my soul mate. We have known each other for 14 years and have always been those kind of friends with benefits.  He broke my heart about 9 and half years ago, went and married someone who has the same name as me, and they have been divorced for 3 years now.  He was hurt and  he does not like to share his feelings and he keeps them all bottled up inside.  We went out drinking the other night and he told me that he loved me.  I really did not know what to say, so i mentioned it on Sunday, and i told him that i love him too.  We have so much fun together and we are both happy. His friends tell me that he is really happy and you can tell that. But my problem is, is that I want more.  I want him to open up, and i'm scared that if I push he will push away from me.  I have thought about giving him a time frame. We are going away in November for vacation. I am not asking for marriage, just more like maybe living together. What should i do?

--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

I agree with you. You're going to want him to open up if  this leads to any true commitment in the relationship -- because if you don't have that type of intimacy with him, you're never going to feel included. It is a good sign that's he's confessed his love for you, and this is an opportunity to lay the groundwork for better communication. Gently remind him that the basis for any great relationship is the intimacy of sharing feelings and entrusting each other with that information. Use the November vacation as the turning point. If all goes well, you can make your intentions known. Right now, I think it's too soon.  

]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Wed, 28 Jul 2010 16:30:34 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/982/1/Soulmate-Is-Guarding-His-Feelings/Page1.html <![CDATA[Widow's Dilemma]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/981/1/Widow039s-Dilemma/Page1.html I'm a wodow of 2 years.  I've been conversing by phone with a widower in another state for 1 1/2 years, since the day after his wife died. We talk almost daily by phone and have long, fun conversations.  I have the opportunity to date someone local and want to know if I should tell my phone friend.  He would be my first choice to date, but I don't know how he feels about it.  I need some advice, please.

-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------

After 1 1/2 years of conversing, you should have a better handle on his intentions. But that said, I see no reason to rock the boat for now. Say nothing, date the local man and see how it goes. If something happens to spark your interest with this new man, then you can tell your phone friend you have started to date. I do not see this as an act of betrayal because you only have a friendship at this point, and no attempt at moving beyond that has been initiated by either you or him. Let me know how it goes.
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Tue, 27 Jul 2010 15:14:57 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/981/1/Widow039s-Dilemma/Page1.html <![CDATA[Long-distance Relationship Angst]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/980/1/Long-distance-Relationship-Angst/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily:

All right, so this girl who's 18 btw, and I'm 20 has liked me for 3 years and I only really looked at her as a friend. Mainly because she used to date one of my friends (who now I don't talk to) and, now, I live in Florida when I used to live in New York (where she is, currently). She would always try to get at me and I could see her trying to get me to like her. She even told me she tried giving up on me like 5 times, but never could because she ended up missing me too much. Over the last 6 months, or so, I have developed feelings for this girl and then when I went up to visit last week and saw her, for the first time in like a year and a half, these feelings are now on another level. We even both said when we hung out for the first time it was like we had been hanging out 1000 times before and that's what makes this feel so real and she thinks the same way. We talked about the long distance thing but we pretty much agreed that we should keep things the way they are and still talk like we were doing, because were afraid if we make it official that would ruin things. She said she wants to come down in September to visit to see how I live and things like that. But now it just really sucks because I don't know what to do. It's like a wait-and-see thing, and I hate that. She said shes going to move down once she gets enough money and our ultimate goal is to find a place together. She always reassures me that I'm the only one she wants, nobody else. and that she wants to be with me forever. But I still worry because she's the type that gets lonely a lot and what if she gets tired of being lonely? It's just eating me alive inside thinking about it. I guess I'm just looking for some advice, or maybe someone who has been in a similar situation. Thanks

---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

If you can't trust her to wait until September when you can be together for a visit, you're not as a far along in this relationship as you think you are! You don't have any proof that she's going to get antsy because of acute loneliness, and I think you may be inviting trouble where none exist -- or you're tapping into your own insecurities and feelings of loneliness. If she's been after you all this time, I would think she's sincere about her hopes and plans. Now, that's not to say that things don't change no matter the earnest effort put forth in the beginning of a relationship -- but if I were you, I'd keep the lines of communication open and wait patiently until September. It really is too early to think "forever." But it's not too early to allow this relationship to grow by making plans to be together, face-to-face, in order to see how compatible you and she are for the long term. Act in haste, repent in leisure, my friend.
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Tue, 27 Jul 2010 02:50:40 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/980/1/Long-distance-Relationship-Angst/Page1.html <![CDATA[Playing With Fire]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/979/1/Playing-With-Fire/Page1.html I am a happily about to marry my fiance who I have a very healthy, very satisfying sex life with, but I have an issue that needs to be addressed before I marry this man. I want to have sex with other men. I don't want to date or form a relationship with anyone else, as I truly do love my husband-to-be. But when I see a man I find attractive, I can't help but fantasize about having sex with him. I've considered telling my fiance, and have even playfully mentioned it before but he cannot understand why I would want to sleep with other men. I'm not sure I even understand why. I cannot imagine my life without this man, and do not want to cheat on him or hurt him in anyway, but it's getting harder and harder to suppress these urges.

-----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------

There's only one way to deal with this and it's to face it head-on. You've already laid out a plan for a train wreck. If your fiance were to say, when you playfully told him about your urge to have sex with other men, "Gee, honey, I'm on board with that!" you wouldn't have a problem. But he didn't say that, and if you were to marry him your urge to have sex with other men may very well be realized. I'd get to a therapist, pronto, to iron this out before you say "I do." If you can't afford a therapist, you need to be honest with your fiance, now, in order for him to decide if he wants to marry you under these conditions. Otherwise, you are playing with fire and your husband to be -- and you -- will get burned. 
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Tue, 27 Jul 2010 02:39:33 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/979/1/Playing-With-Fire/Page1.html <![CDATA[Mom's Cheating Again]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/978/1/Mom039s-Cheating-Again/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily:

My mom is getting married in August to a wonderful man. They are passionately in love and constantly  remind each other of it. My parents divorced because she cheated on my dad. That is why i looked at her text messages when she left one day with out her phone. She had never been known to just stay with one guy, and it seemed too good to be true so i checked the messages. Sure enough, she is having an affair with another man. I have heard her talk of him before, but it was a while ago. The messages they send to each other are very sexual and gross. The man she is marrying is a great guy, and i don't want her to ruin him, like she did my dad. What do i do?

-----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

If you are sure the messages are from another man and they are current you, obviously, have two choices: risk severing your relationship with your mother if you go to her fiance with proof (and you'd have to have that proof in order for him to believe you); or keep your mouth shut by minding your own business and let him find out the hard way. Now, I know you have the urge to right an wrong because your father was a victim of your mother's cheating -- and I'm not saying your mother hasn't done something dishonest by this correspondence with another man -- but, again, the facts of her situation with your dad (he may not be perfect), and her intent with the cell-phone man would have to be present for me to go to her fiance and spill the beans. Only then could I be confident that the collateral damage was worth the effort. It's possible her fiance would believe her side -- you'd have to hand over her phone to him to make any dent in his devotion to her -- if not, it could be seen as a bitter child who's looking for payback .As far as damaging your relationship with your mother, weigh how that will affect your future -- in all respects.
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Mon, 26 Jul 2010 17:16:34 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/978/1/Mom039s-Cheating-Again/Page1.html <![CDATA[Unable To Commit?]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/977/1/Unable-To-Commit/Page1.html
Emily,

I guess you could say I'm one of those girls who are afraid of love, because when I finally found a man who loved and adored me I walked away, fearing I would miss my single life. Now that he's gone we try to remain friends. But I can't stop wishing that I had just gone for it in the relationship and pushed my fears aside, 'cause I loved and adored him right back. Should I tell him how I'm feeling or just try to move on?

------------------------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------------


There might be some deep-seated reason you had for pushing this guy away, and that may stem from something in childhood -- but you didn't elude to that. However, that's something to take a look at if I'm even close. But no matter the reason, if this guy wanted a commitment more than you can give, you made the right choice. Think of it this way: If you call him and tell him how you're feeling, can you actually give something you, at one time, thought you could not give? If not, you'd be back to square one and feeling horribly responsible for the results. Something is holding you back, and it may be for a perfectly good reason -- or your commitment issues need to be addressed in therapy. Decide which it is, and proceed from there.


]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Sat, 24 Jul 2010 17:59:59 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/977/1/Unable-To-Commit/Page1.html <![CDATA[Time To Split?]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/976/1/Time-To-Split/Page1.html
My boyfriend and I have been together for  2 1/2 years. Now i love him and he loves me but i feel as if we shouldn't be together. I am 20 and he is 26. We live together have a joint bank account ( i know big mistake) and pets. I tried to take a break before, and be on my own, but he wanted to get back together and i couldnt say no. He is a very sweet and hard working guy and most of the time he treats me wonderfully -- but he never wants to hang out with my friends and never takes me out  He is so ready to settle down, that it is scary, and I also can't stand having sex with him. It's just not good  I'm afraid that if i break up with him it would be a major mistake, but i feel i need to. I just dont know how to because i love him so much. He has become my everything, in every way. I'm just so confused and afraid of making a major mistake.  Please help!

----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------

You say you love him, in that he means everything to you in every way, but that simply isn't true from what you've told me. You don't want to settle down with a guy you care a great deal for, but shows no interest in being part of your life, nor really being a couple outside the home. This whole relationship is more stale than a loaf of bread that's been sitting on the sink for six months. You have developed comfortable patterns with him in certain domestic areas, but you can do that with a sister or brother who's a roommate. One thing I know, for sure, is that you should not "settle down" with him in terms of marriage unless you get some things straightened out. If you can't stand sleeping with him, it's because he's either a lousy lover, or you just don't love him in "that way." If it's the former, he needs to know in order to work at pleasing you. There's no magic potion to fix your situation. Like everyone else who's in your position, you have to face it head-on to get the desired result you know you really want -- or put up with the status quo and be frustrated and miserable. Is this your life you're living, or his? This is a question you need to answer. I suggest a split so you can decide what's actually going on here.  

]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Sat, 24 Jul 2010 17:54:23 EDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/976/1/Time-To-Split/Page1.html