<![CDATA[Ask Miss Emily - Articles]]> http://www.askmissemily.com en-us N/A emily@askmissemily.com Fri, 18 May 2012 16:59:05 MDT 20 <![CDATA[Love Doesn't Pay The Bills]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1900/1/Love-Doesn039t-Pay-The-Bills/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily:

I have a toddler and have been in a relationship with a man for over a year. We live together. When he first moved in, I thought it would be a good chance to save some money and get ahead financially, in addition to taking our relationship to the next step. Two months later (right before Christmas) his job went down the drain, and he decided to go into business for himself. He never discussed it with me but, obviously, I now (for the last 5+ months) support us fully. He has a daughter in fourth grade so there are 4 of us. All I do is work and clean. I never go with my friends, I never have money to buy anything for myself, or do anything fun. When he gets money, he spends it but never towards the household bills. I would not have asked him to move in had he been trying to start a business at that time, it just happened as soon as he did move in. I feel depressed ,and I feel like that makes me a bad mother because I am short with my son and its not his fault that I am upset. I not only cannot save money, but I am always behind in my bills and that has never happened my whole life. I used to have a great career and make lots of money. After my son, I have a job I love but not as much money-- but still fairly decent when it was just him and me. I feel like I can't break up with him because, then, the last year of my life will have been wasted. I do love him, and I know he loves me. Our problems are all about money. I dont want to have wasted all the money I have invested in him and his business, not to mention that my son loves him as much as I do. I also feel like if I leave this relationship, I will not be able to have a new one. With a toddler there is no way I have time to invest in trying to meet/find and/or get to know someone to date, so I will be alone indefinitely. If I leave this relationship, my son will be the most important thing and I am sure not going to bring someone I dont fully know around my child. What do I do? How do I make him see he has to go get a job? He is already $2k behind on his business rent. I am absolutely terrified that our being common law married is going to ruin my credit somehow. He's HORRIBLE with finances, and I never realized it until he stopped contributing financially. When I first met him he worked so hard, now not hard enough. He has his own business, and  he has to work harder to bring it in and he just doesnt get that. He just waits for it to come to him, and it doesnt!!

------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------

You haven't wasted the last year, you've learned what not to do in the future. Trying to talk your way out of leaving him, because of some misguided belief your future will be bleak in terms of relationships, is absurd. He moved in with you, he deceived you, or certainly didn't include you in his plans to start a business (other than take your money for it), and he contributes nothing to the household. I don't care if your son is close to him, you told me you're short with this sweet boy because you don't have the guts to do the right thing -- and that would be to boot this guy's butt out the door. I don't know what country you live in where common law exists after only one year of cohabitation, but the longer you stay with him, the poorer you're going to be. At least set some deadline as to when he has to start paying some bills, half the mortgage, or rent, and if he doesn't follow through, he's out. You're not going to get the money back that you "loaned" him for his business, or the money you've spent supporting him while he has had the luxury of creating that business. You will lose the money whether he stays or goes. The only difference, I see, is that he'll get you further in debt, more frustrated and depressed, and your son will suffer. Stop the pity party. You're a smart woman, but lousy in judging a relationship. But that can change if you were back on your own, saving money and regaining your independence. The world is your oyster, and it can be with a man, but with the right man; and one you trust, has respect for you, and is a stand up guy with some integrity. And not where you're his meal ticket! It's a choice, and the longer you allow this to continue, as is, do not blame him for you being a poor judge of character.
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Wed, 16 May 2012 21:26:57 MDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1900/1/Love-Doesn039t-Pay-The-Bills/Page1.html <![CDATA[Teen Boy Turns Cold]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1899/1/Teen-Boy-Turns-Cold/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily:

Hi, so a few days ago I went to an amusement park for a school trip and I rode on rides with this guy.  I kinda started to like him, am I thought he liked me. He goes to my church and I have talked to him before. He's a year younger than me. But a couple days later, I saw him with his dad and sister at an ice cream shop and he walked right past me and he didn't look or act like he saw me. I don't know why he would just ignore me?

-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------

Assuming he actually did see you, I think he might have been embarrassed to talk to you in front of his dad, and sister. Also, guys (like girls) can be fearful of taking a relationship to a higher level because they don't have preivous experience. If this is the case for him, rather than face it (which is often difficult to do at his age), he may ignore you, and/or become distant.  I don't believe it's anything you did, and only his inability to handle the circumstance.  ]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Wed, 16 May 2012 18:01:52 MDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1899/1/Teen-Boy-Turns-Cold/Page1.html <![CDATA[End Marriage For Better Lover?]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1898/1/End-Marriage-For-Better-Lover/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily:

 So I have been with my husband for 10 years and we have been married for 4. We have never had real sexual chemistry, and in general have had a fairly poor sex life. I have gone outside the relationship a few times to satisfy my sexual urges. I love him, but he cannot satisfy me. I began my first affair about a year ago, and I am in love with this man. This man has opened my sexual world and has shown me things I have never experienced sexually before. He loves me and wants to be with me. My relationship with my husband is 98% great except for poor sex.  I have never made love with my husband, but I have with this man. I want to have children with this man, and plan a future with him. My husband is a sucessful person who has everything going for him, except sexual chemistry. I don't want to have kids with him, because I don't like having sex with him. Should I leave my husband for this other man?

-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------

I'm not sure this other man will supply the needs you have in terms of a day-to-day life. You see him on a sexual level for one thing, and although that's all and more than you could hope for in that area, he may have some annoying qualities you don't know about. An affair, usually, shows the best side of an individual. You want to be sexy, alluring, understanding, sensual and, basically, get along. That is why I cannot endorse you leaving your husband for him because sex is great. Sex is an important part of a marital relationship (unless both parties don't think it is) and having an inadequate sex life with your husband limits your commitment to him. I have a feeling you don't want to suggest sex counseling with him, because you've pretty much made up your mind you don't want to be with him period. If you're not in love with him, and you're only going through the motions, yes, I would strongly consider leaving him. But I would not jump into a relationship with this other man in terms of having his children, unless you got to know him in more ways than stolen moments at a lovers' hideaway. Nothing is worse, in terms of relationships, than ending one thinking the other is going to be more fulfilling . . . only to find out it is not. A handful of sessions with a therapist could help put this in perspective in order for you to make the best decision you can. "Act in haste, repent in leisure."]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Wed, 16 May 2012 17:48:13 MDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1898/1/End-Marriage-For-Better-Lover/Page1.html <![CDATA[To Move, Or Not To Move]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1897/1/To-Move-Or-Not-To-Move/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily:

I am so lost at this time.  My husband is a long haul truck driver and I am a stay at home mom.  He is new into the industry and has been only doing it for about 5 months now.  Well, we've both realized that this is just not the right fit for us.  We don't like being away from each other, and our 1 year old daughter needs her dad.  Of course we have bills/debt that have to be paid every month, so we have to figure something out.  We have the option of moving in with my grandmother in her huge house and starting over, but the problem is the place is a mess.  I am stressed about going back home, getting the house in shape, finding new jobs, childcare, and pretty much starting over.  I feel like we are losing our sense of freedom that we have worked so hard for.  Thankfully we are only 27, so we do have some time to start over, but I am not sure if we should stick it out or do this change.  On top of this my mother is furious that we might potentially be moving since it is 6 hours away from her.  This does not help the situation at all...  I am just at a loss on what to do and not sure where to turn.

----------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------

Losing the "sense of freedom" that you and your husband have worked so hard for is not worth giving up at this time, in my humble opinion. I do see that your grandmother's home is an option, but it's also an obligation. Your grandmother may be a great lady, but living under the same roof might prove she has her own way of doing things that conflict with yours. I am sure your mother would be heartsick if you left, and she couldn't see her grandchild that often, but you have to do what's best for your family. However, you have tremendous trepidation. Moving, and all that goes into it seems too big a task right now. I know you're frustrated, but I feel a hasty move might put you in a worse situation than you're in now. And if that's the case, you're going to let your grandmother down (assuming she still wants you there), if  you vacate because things didn't work out the way you "hoped" they would. As the saying goes, "Hope is not a plan." But having a good plan is the right idea, and I would wait a while longer before you choose your grandmother's. This period will pass, eventually, and it's better if you can look back at it as that period in our lives when we had to sacrifice rather than, that period in our lives was a nightmare!]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Tue, 15 May 2012 02:33:34 MDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1897/1/To-Move-Or-Not-To-Move/Page1.html <![CDATA[Low Self-esteem Damages Relationships]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1896/1/Low-Self-esteem-Damages-Relationships/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily:

So I need to ask you because I have this problem. I always feel insecure. I always ruin every relationship I've had -- like I always find something to make them fail. I don't know whats wrong with me. I want a long, and normal relationship, but why is it so hard? I need your advice. What am I supposed to do to get rid of this selfish stuff?

-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------

You're not selfish, per se, you're insecure, and others pick up on it. If you come off as needy, doubtful, and fearful, people will be turned off by you. It's a matter of self-esteem -- looking at yourself in a serious manner, and be willing to make needed changes to produce positive results. You're in charge of your life, no one else, and you can't expect people to fill voids in your life only you can fill.  A person who is comfortable in his, or her own skin, is attractive to others. It doesn't happen overnight, and you have to be willing to correct the things that turn people off. Here's a partial article I took off the web on self-esteem I want you to read. Remember, there's no magic wand, and no one can change this dynamic but you.  I think you'll be up for the challenge if you're willing to go after things you want in life, rather than going after them from a point of emotional neediness and feeling as if you don't measure up. You can,  but you have to understand it takes a concerted effort on your part to get it done.


Self-Esteem Defined
We all have a mental picture of who we are, how we look, what we're good at, and what our weaknesses might be. We develop this picture over time, starting when we're very young kids. The term self-image is used to refer to a person's mental picture of himself or herself. A lot of our self-image is based on interactions we have with other people and our life experiences. This mental picture (our self-image) contributes to our self-esteem. Self-esteem is all about how much we feel valued, loved, accepted, and thought well of by others — and how much we value, love, and accept ourselves. People with healthy self-esteem are able to feel good about themselves, appreciate their own worth, and take pride in their abilities, skills, and accomplishments. People with low self-esteem may feel as if no one will like them or accept them or that they can't do well in anything. We all experience problems with self-esteem at certain times in our lives — especially during our teens when we're figuring out who we are and where we fit in the world. The good news is that, because everyone's self-image changes over time, self-esteem is not fixed for life. So if you feel that your self-esteem isn't all it could be, you can improve it.

Self-Esteem Problems

Before a person can overcome self-esteem problems and build healthy self-esteem, it helps to know what might cause those problems in the first place. Two things in particular — how others see or treat us and how we see ourselves — can have a big impact on our self-esteem. Parents, teachers, and other authority figures influence the ideas we develop about ourselves — particularly when we are little kids. If parents spend more time criticizing than praising a child, it can be harder for a kid to develop good self-esteem. Because teens are still forming their own values and beliefs, it's easy to build self-image around what a parent, coach, or other person says. Obviously, self-esteem can be damaged when someone whose acceptance is important (like a parent or teacher) constantly puts you down. But criticism doesn't have to come from other people. Like Steve in the story above, some teens also have an "inner critic," a voice inside that seems to find fault with everything they do. And, like Steve, people sometimes unintentionally model their inner voice after a critical parent or someone else whose opinion is important to them. Over time, listening to a negative inner voice can harm a person's self-esteem just as much as if the criticism were coming from another person. Some people get so used to their inner critic being there that they don't even notice when they're putting themselves down. Unrealistic expectations can also affect a person's self-esteem. People have an image of who they want to be (or who they think they should be). Everyone's image of the ideal person is different. For example, some people admire athletic skills and others admire academic abilities. People who see themselves as having the qualities they admire — such as the ability to make friends easily — usually have high self-esteem. People who don't see themselves as having the qualities they admire may develop low self-esteem. Unfortunately, people who have low self-esteem often do have the qualities they admire. They just can't see that they do because their self-image is trained that way.

Why Is Self-Esteem Important?

How we feel about ourselves can influence how we live our lives. People who feel that they are likable and lovable (in other words people with good self-esteem) have better relationships. They're more likely to ask for help and support from friends and family when they need it. People who believe they can accomplish goals and solve problems are more likely to do well in school. Having good self-esteem allows you to accept yourself and live life to the fullest.

Steps to Improving Self-Esteem

If you want to improve your self-esteem, here are some steps to start empowering yourself:
  • Try to stop thinking negative thoughts about yourself. If you're used to focusing on your shortcomings, start thinking about positive aspects of yourself that outweigh them. When you catch yourself being too critical, counter it by saying something positive about yourself. Each day, write down three things about yourself that make you happy.
  • Aim for accomplishments rather than perfection. Some people become paralyzed by perfection. Instead of holding yourself back with thoughts like, "I won't audition for the play until I lose 10 pounds," think about what you're good at and what you enjoy, and go for it.
  • View mistakes as learning opportunities. Accept that you will make mistakes because everyone does. Mistakes are part of learning. Remind yourself that a person's talents are constantly developing, and everyone excels at different things — it's what makes people interesting.
  • Try new things. Experiment with different activities that will help you get in touch with your talents. Then take pride in new skills you develop.
  • Recognize what you can change and what you can't. If you realize that you're unhappy with something about yourself that you can change, then start today. If it's something you can't change (like your height), then start to work toward loving yourself the way you are.
  • Set goals. Think about what you'd like to accomplish, then make a plan for how to do it. Stick with your plan and keep track of your progress.
  • Take pride in your opinions and ideas. Don't be afraid to voice them.
  • Make a contribution. Tutor a classmate who's having trouble, help clean up your neighborhood, participate in a walkathon for a good cause, or volunteer your time in some other way. Feeling like you're making a difference and that your help is valued can do wonders to improve self-esteem.
  • Exercise! You'll relieve stress, and be healthier and happier.
  • Have fun. Ever found yourself thinking stuff like "I'd have more friends if I were thinner"? Enjoy spending time with the people you care about and doing the things you love. Relax and have a good time — and avoid putting your life on hold.
It's never too late to build healthy, positive self-esteem. In some cases where the emotional hurt is deep or long lasting, it can take the help of a mental health professional, like a counselor or therapist. These experts can act as a guide, helping people learn to love themselves and realize what's unique and special about them.
Self-esteem plays a role in almost everything you do. People with high self-esteem do better in school and find it easier to make friends. They tend to have better relationships with peers and adults, feel happier, find it easier to deal with mistakes, disappointments, and failures, and are more likely to stick with something until they succeed. It takes some work to develop good self-esteem, but once you do it's a skill you'll have for life.
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Mon, 14 May 2012 22:40:03 MDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1896/1/Low-Self-esteem-Damages-Relationships/Page1.html <![CDATA[Is He Worth Pursuing?]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1895/1/Is-He-Worth-Pursuing/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily,

There's this boy that I haven't been able to get off my mind recently, but he and I both have a lot of drama going on. My ex-boyfriend (whom I recently broke up with a few months ago) cheated on me a few times with his current girlfriend. They're on and off a lot. Last year. this boy and I hung out and had a great time together, but his girlfriend told him I was playing him and he hasn't talked to me since. His girlfriend once, again, cheated on him with a couple more guys. They're constantly on and off. I see him at baseball games, and I know he's interested in me. We make a lot of flirty eye contact. Should I even bother with him? If so, how should I go about it?

--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------

You don't know if he's a wimp who listened to his on and off girlfriend, or he made the decision to stop talking to you on his own. Furtive glances at you do not mean he wants a relationship. That said,  I think it would be fine if you found a way to talk to him and make it known that you'd like to hang out, again,  if he were single. You don't have anything to lose. It's not as if you're some vicious vixen who's out to destroy a relationship between him and Snow White. This girl dissed you (cheats on him), and you have your honor to protect. And few people will be willing to do that for you, but you.  ]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Mon, 14 May 2012 22:20:58 MDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1895/1/Is-He-Worth-Pursuing/Page1.html <![CDATA[Fake Facebook Account Backfires]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1894/1/Fake-Facebook-Account-Backfires/Page1.html
Dear Miss Emily:
 
I'm a 17 year old girl, and I've made a big mistake. My best friend and I created this fake girl on Facebook to somewhat get revenge on guys who played with us. There was a guy that played me, so we reactivated the account. And right as I was about to deactivate it, my friend gets this message from a guy. For some reason, I decided to answer him and I told him everything about me and it turns out we have a lot in common. I started to develop feelings for this boy when I realized how alike we are, and he started to like this girl for her personality, which is all me! I care a lot about this boy. He's incredible. I would sell my soul to be with him. I have actually talked to him as myself. I know I should tell him who I really am, and how much I care about him, but I'm afraid he won't see the same girl. I'm afraid he'll hate me. Should I tell him? And if I should, how?

-------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------

You have to tell him! It's imperative. It's horribly unfair to him for you to manipulate this situation. I understand the reason you did it, and although that was the kind of thing I might have done at your age, it still doesn't discount the fact that you've mislead him through this fake account. At least you didn't pretend you were a fictional personality. Admitting that you made up the account to get back at some friends isn't the worst thing. You didn't know he was going to respond, and when he did, you could tell he was a great guy and decided to not deactivate the account because of it. You couldn't risk losing contact with him, and you couldn't risk the wrath of others if they found out the truth. I don't know what your chances are of meeting him, but it would be better to break this in person. If not, just tell him how you managed to set up the account, it wasn't meant to do anything other that trick a few friends, and it got out of hand. Sure, he may hate you for it, but you simply can't go on like you are. And do remember this quote for the future if you ever think to do something like this again. "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." It usually comes back to bit us in the butt when we fail to heed that warning.

]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Fri, 11 May 2012 02:47:19 MDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1894/1/Fake-Facebook-Account-Backfires/Page1.html <![CDATA[Best To End This Teen Relationship?]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1893/1/Best-To-End-This-Teen-Relationship/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily,

So me and my ex were going out for about five months until we had week of spring break and I didn't see him at all. Then something happened and we ended breaking up. But what had happened was I kinda, in a way, cheated. I didn't do anything with him, but I guess we had planned something. But when we got back to school, my boyfriend wanted to use my phone, so I let him. He read my texts messages. Right now we currently are not together but we have talked, and he said that there is a good chance of us getting back together. What I'm worried about is that I only have two weeks left to be with him since he's a senior, and it seems as if he never has time for me outside of school. We are on good terms since we still have sex.  But with that idk if I should let him go, or wait until he's ready for us, I don't want to be used. What should I do?

----------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------

I don't think "used" is the operative word if he wanted to get back together. After all, it was you who created the breach of trust. If he's headed off the college, I would strongly consider not getting back together. I'm not a big supporter of FWB relationships, but if you and he decide you're not serious about making the relationship a commitment, I don't see any problem with it until he leaves. But if you want something more than what he offers, or hasn't offered throughout those five months together, use your head, and let your heart take a back seat. You texting that other guy, and maybe planning a hook up, tells me you're not going to be crying in your pillow if you and he call it quits. ]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Thu, 10 May 2012 03:26:22 MDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1893/1/Best-To-End-This-Teen-Relationship/Page1.html <![CDATA[How Do You Say "No Host" To Guests ]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1892/1/How-Do-You-Say-quotNo-Hostquot-To-Guests-/Page1.html Dear Miss Emily:

My friend and I are giving my daughter her Bachelorette party.  Everyone is invited to our room for a drinks, apps, games and gifts.  Afterwards, we are going to dinner and bar hopping.  How do I let people know this is a "No host  dinner" etc.?

----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

By stating somewhere on the invitation, "No host dinner, and bar." And set it up with the restaurant that you want individual checks. If they don't allow it, find a place that does. If there is no invitation, say it verbally when inviting people. I don't think anyone will be offended. To cover the cost of a dinner, and an endless bar tab could break the bank unless you're Ms. Gotbucks! ]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Thu, 10 May 2012 03:13:09 MDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1892/1/How-Do-You-Say-quotNo-Hostquot-To-Guests-/Page1.html <![CDATA[Best To Sever Ties Now?]]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1891/1/Best-To-Sever-Ties-Now/Page1.html
Dear Miss Emily:

I met this guy that I really liked. It was almost an instant attraction, and I thought he felt the same way. So we began dating and everything, and I discovered that he really wasn't thinking as long term as I was (I'm leaving for a six week college semester in the summer before going off for good at the end of August). He told one of my friends that he really couldn't see it lasting past the summer because of that aspect, and he couldn't really take the relationship seriously. While I didn't want to think about it, he's right. And this is my problem: We have two months together before I leave, and we have a summer bucket list of things we want to do before I leave. But just the fact that I really like him makes things difficult. He's had other relationships, I really haven't, and just the fact of knowing he doesn't really care because he can't get attached, makes me feel just really bad about myself. Also, he's talking about us having sex before I leave for good, because it's going to suck when we have to leave each other anyway; which seems like a really bad idea to me. I don't know how long I should drag this out. I like spending time with him, but at the same time, it's frustrating because I can't really be let into his heart. It honestly just hurts. So would the best option be to break things off right before I leave for school in the summer, or when I leave for good in the fall?

----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

It's best to sever the close ties now, unless you only share a couple dinners together in the next two months. You put your heart on the line if you don't, and although I think his attitude has absolutely nothing to do with your worthiness, it's his mindset. There is some merit to it, as you said. But even when rational thinking sneaks in, our hearts often dictate something else entirely. Sex would not be a good idea. You're a sensitive, caring individual, and it would be painful to have that type of intimacy knowing it's transitory. A movie plot (and some people) would find a summer romance to be exciting -- final scene having the couple at the airport saying goodbye for good, and each goes off to their new lives and being happy to have had the experience. But I doubt that's how you'd look at it. You have little experience in relationships. The more time you spend with him, the greater your desire to be with him. You are leaving, you have a new chapter in your life ahead of you, and it's best to look to the future. If something happens down the line -- you and he meet up when your lives have progressed, more directed and in sync, fine. But that's not the case, now, and it's best to follow your inner voice that tells you it's better to protect your heart from the figurative meat grinder.
]]> no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Wed, 09 May 2012 13:27:03 MDT http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/1891/1/Best-To-Sever-Ties-Now/Page1.html