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Latest Questions & Answers
Houseguest From Hell
- Published Today
- General
Dear Emily,
My husband and I entertained his brother and wife for a month at our beach house in Costa Rica. We don't see my brother in law often as they live in So. Africa and we live in the US. I have met my brother in law's wife once when they visited with us for three weeks in California and didn't care for her at all. When they visited with us in CR there was some tension as I think she is a selfish, self absorbed, insensitive woman who acted like a princess while they were there. My question is; Although my husband has received a note of thanks from his brother, should I expect to receive a note of appreciation or thanks from her ? I didn't hear anything from her the last time they visited either.
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
You can't expect to receive a note of thanks from anyone who is selfish, self-absorbed and insensitive. That's what makes these people so "special," because they lack good breeding -- or nature dealt them scads of badly mutated genes. Consider the source. In the future, if you have them as guests, you have every right to set a time-limit on visits (a month is a long time to spend with a boor) and not allow yourself to be treated like bellhops. I understand it's a sensitive issue because this is your brother-in-law's wife, but that doesn't mean you need to put up with a middle-aged Paris Hilton. You can be thankful that they live in South Africa, and not in Oregon. Here's a book I found on Amazon that might be helpful in managing difficult people:
Emily
My husband and I entertained his brother and wife for a month at our beach house in Costa Rica. We don't see my brother in law often as they live in So. Africa and we live in the US. I have met my brother in law's wife once when they visited with us for three weeks in California and didn't care for her at all. When they visited with us in CR there was some tension as I think she is a selfish, self absorbed, insensitive woman who acted like a princess while they were there. My question is; Although my husband has received a note of thanks from his brother, should I expect to receive a note of appreciation or thanks from her ? I didn't hear anything from her the last time they visited either.
-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
You can't expect to receive a note of thanks from anyone who is selfish, self-absorbed and insensitive. That's what makes these people so "special," because they lack good breeding -- or nature dealt them scads of badly mutated genes. Consider the source. In the future, if you have them as guests, you have every right to set a time-limit on visits (a month is a long time to spend with a boor) and not allow yourself to be treated like bellhops. I understand it's a sensitive issue because this is your brother-in-law's wife, but that doesn't mean you need to put up with a middle-aged Paris Hilton. You can be thankful that they live in South Africa, and not in Oregon. Here's a book I found on Amazon that might be helpful in managing difficult people:
Dealing with People You Can't Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst [Paperback]
Dr. Rick Brinkman (Author), Dr. Rick KirschnerEmily
Sibling Pulling Rank
- Published Today
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
My sister has a really good guy friend I've just come to know. He's a sweet, charming guy that I've fallen for pretty hard but my sister is upset because he was her friend first. She's not interested in him romantically but she has issues about the two of us spending time with one another. I'm not certain whether to respect her wishes or to go with my feelings. I need advice! Thanks.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
Tough call, because you (more than likely) will be involved with your sister for the rest of your life, and this guy may not be a constant. From an objective point of view, she has no right to dictate whether you can, or cannot have a relationship with him. She's not only controlling your life, but his, as well. I would try to reason with her and let her know, in the nicest way possible, she is wrongly attempting to control two lives, other than her own, and if she could see it from that point of view you'd appreciate it. Again, tell her you'd like to pursue something with him and, if he's on board, you won't inhibit her friendship with him in any way. That said, she's being selfish and possessive (threatened), and it may not change her mind. Bottom line: weigh loss against gain.
My sister has a really good guy friend I've just come to know. He's a sweet, charming guy that I've fallen for pretty hard but my sister is upset because he was her friend first. She's not interested in him romantically but she has issues about the two of us spending time with one another. I'm not certain whether to respect her wishes or to go with my feelings. I need advice! Thanks.
------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------
Tough call, because you (more than likely) will be involved with your sister for the rest of your life, and this guy may not be a constant. From an objective point of view, she has no right to dictate whether you can, or cannot have a relationship with him. She's not only controlling your life, but his, as well. I would try to reason with her and let her know, in the nicest way possible, she is wrongly attempting to control two lives, other than her own, and if she could see it from that point of view you'd appreciate it. Again, tell her you'd like to pursue something with him and, if he's on board, you won't inhibit her friendship with him in any way. That said, she's being selfish and possessive (threatened), and it may not change her mind. Bottom line: weigh loss against gain.
Dealing With A Player
- Published Yesterday
- Relationships - Women
Dear Miss Emily:
So this guy is a family friend of ours (my cousin's best friend) and he is 29 years old. I am 20 and i guess we have just recently become really close because of an injury he acquired. Prior to 2 weeks from today, he and I never really hung out. He texted me randomly one afternoon asking me to come visit him alongside my cousin who was stopping by his home.I couldn't do that because i had to work so i asked him if he would accept a rain-check for when next my cousin was visiting. Well he responded asking why i had to visit him only during the times when my cousin was visiting. I told him no it doesn't have to be that way and just let me know when, and send me and invitation and I'll try to honor it. Two days later he invited me over. I didn't know what we would do so i brought some fresh produce over and made dinner. the following day i got another invite, and another. Last week, he injured himself while playing football. Now i figured, since he is new in town and has very few friends i will show up and assist him with a couple of things around the house and pay him company since he was asked to stay at home for a week so as to enable the ankle heal. During this period, i happen to find out that i have feelings for him but i dont let them take me far given that i wasnt sure of his feelings and the fact that he constantly mentioned how old he is which doesn't count to me in a any way shape or form. Well, Thursday evening, he prevented me from driving home under the idea that t was pretty late and so he offered to give me his bed while he slept on the couch. However, in the morning he came to the sitting room where i had moved to and started tickling me. He then asked if i could give him a massage which i did. Then he told me not to trust him because he was a player. He asks me how i feel about what he just said and i told him i couldn't say anything except that i do have feelngs for him. He then told me not to have feelings for him because he was a bad boy. I asked him what was stopping him from making a move and and he said he was talking to someone else. Broken hearted and hurt, i decided to leave but he kept pulling me back about 4 or 5 times into his arms and giving me extremely long hugs like i was going to dissapear or something. However, i told him at least she won so i should leave and he told me not to have feelings for him because he doesn't want me to get hurt and he overly respects me and the way i carry myself. I tried purposefully to leave, but he kept stoping me. He wanted me to promise everything was going to be fine an we would hang out as usual.. I told him i couldnt promise that but ill try. The whole time he had a bonner because i could feel it each time he hugged me from behind or the front. Then, to find out the truth, i asked him for a kiss and he said it wasnt right but then kissd me still. He cooked for us both every other night i was there. However, he recently appologized for having said he wanted to touch my ass and adviced not to give anyone the go ahead, esp. when it gets people hurt...He said he was worried about me because i might not want to chill with him anymore. I told him i wasnt holding grudges against him and he could stop worrying Now what my question is, how do i deal with this situation and with him? Does he care about me and is just trying to deny the fact that he does or what?"
----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
His warning to you that he's a player let's him off the guilt-hook if you end up getting hurt, right? "Don't have feelings for me, but is this hard-on getting to you?" That said, you are responsible for your behavior, as well. I would assume he has feelings for you, why not? But he's talking to another girl he has feelings for, as well. If I were you, I'd back off because he seems to be talking and behaving in a contradictory manner. If he wants a relationship (and, of course, there are no guarantees any relationship will work), let him do the pursuing and come to you rather than being an "in house" visitor. I understand he's been injured, but having you in his home makes it safe territory for him -- and not safe territory for you. If he is a player, like he admits "forewarned is forearmed!" Use your better judgment in this matter because it really, like most things, comes down to a matter of choice and the responsibility that comes with that choice.
So this guy is a family friend of ours (my cousin's best friend) and he is 29 years old. I am 20 and i guess we have just recently become really close because of an injury he acquired. Prior to 2 weeks from today, he and I never really hung out. He texted me randomly one afternoon asking me to come visit him alongside my cousin who was stopping by his home.I couldn't do that because i had to work so i asked him if he would accept a rain-check for when next my cousin was visiting. Well he responded asking why i had to visit him only during the times when my cousin was visiting. I told him no it doesn't have to be that way and just let me know when, and send me and invitation and I'll try to honor it. Two days later he invited me over. I didn't know what we would do so i brought some fresh produce over and made dinner. the following day i got another invite, and another. Last week, he injured himself while playing football. Now i figured, since he is new in town and has very few friends i will show up and assist him with a couple of things around the house and pay him company since he was asked to stay at home for a week so as to enable the ankle heal. During this period, i happen to find out that i have feelings for him but i dont let them take me far given that i wasnt sure of his feelings and the fact that he constantly mentioned how old he is which doesn't count to me in a any way shape or form. Well, Thursday evening, he prevented me from driving home under the idea that t was pretty late and so he offered to give me his bed while he slept on the couch. However, in the morning he came to the sitting room where i had moved to and started tickling me. He then asked if i could give him a massage which i did. Then he told me not to trust him because he was a player. He asks me how i feel about what he just said and i told him i couldn't say anything except that i do have feelngs for him. He then told me not to have feelings for him because he was a bad boy. I asked him what was stopping him from making a move and and he said he was talking to someone else. Broken hearted and hurt, i decided to leave but he kept pulling me back about 4 or 5 times into his arms and giving me extremely long hugs like i was going to dissapear or something. However, i told him at least she won so i should leave and he told me not to have feelings for him because he doesn't want me to get hurt and he overly respects me and the way i carry myself. I tried purposefully to leave, but he kept stoping me. He wanted me to promise everything was going to be fine an we would hang out as usual.. I told him i couldnt promise that but ill try. The whole time he had a bonner because i could feel it each time he hugged me from behind or the front. Then, to find out the truth, i asked him for a kiss and he said it wasnt right but then kissd me still. He cooked for us both every other night i was there. However, he recently appologized for having said he wanted to touch my ass and adviced not to give anyone the go ahead, esp. when it gets people hurt...He said he was worried about me because i might not want to chill with him anymore. I told him i wasnt holding grudges against him and he could stop worrying Now what my question is, how do i deal with this situation and with him? Does he care about me and is just trying to deny the fact that he does or what?"
----------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------
His warning to you that he's a player let's him off the guilt-hook if you end up getting hurt, right? "Don't have feelings for me, but is this hard-on getting to you?" That said, you are responsible for your behavior, as well. I would assume he has feelings for you, why not? But he's talking to another girl he has feelings for, as well. If I were you, I'd back off because he seems to be talking and behaving in a contradictory manner. If he wants a relationship (and, of course, there are no guarantees any relationship will work), let him do the pursuing and come to you rather than being an "in house" visitor. I understand he's been injured, but having you in his home makes it safe territory for him -- and not safe territory for you. If he is a player, like he admits "forewarned is forearmed!" Use your better judgment in this matter because it really, like most things, comes down to a matter of choice and the responsibility that comes with that choice.
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