Dear Miss Emily:

I am torn between two men. One is my husband and the other is an ex. When I first met my ex, we hit it off but he told me that he wasn't looking for a relationship – so I never forced a relationship. I fell pretty hard for this guy, but I never told him how I felt, and vice-versa.  He wanted to spend a lot of time with me, but I kept trying to push him away, because I didn't want to get hurt. Within a few months, I started dating my husband. He and I dated for several months when I told my ex that I was seeing someone else. My ex told me that he was in love with me and he didn't think I was out looking for anyone else. He thought that we were together. He told me how much it hurt to find out that I was with someone else. I felt really bad because I still had a lot of feelings for this man, but I had really strong feelings for my husband, as well. I told my ex I couldn't talk to him anymore and that I was happy. I thought that if I pushed him away that I would stop having strong feelings for him. Over time, I thought maybe my feelings were getting weaker for my ex and stronger for my, now, husband. He proposed to me, and we started planning a wedding. My husband is everything that I ever hoped for, except he has depression issues which in turn stops us from doing stuff together. Even when we’re together, he tends to sit quietly. There are times that I come home and we just say hi to each other and that's it. My  husband is caring, gentle, kind and loving. My ex is all of the above, as well, but without the depression issues. I had ran into my ex and the sparks were still there. He sends me text messages all the time telling me how much he loves me, how much he thinks of me, every day, and how he is still hurting that we are not together. It has been 2 years and he is still holding on hoping that we can be together, again. I never lost the feelings for him, I just hide them from myself and everyone else. I love my husband but, honestly, I am bored with him. We never do anything together as a couple and when we do, we don’t talk, we just sit there. I don't know what to do. My family loves my husband and thinks that he's such a nice guy. All my friends like him but they said the same thing that I do: He is boring, and he doesn't talk much. I need some advice on what to do. I have talked to my husband about my feelings towards him, and how I want us to get back to having fun, again, but he doesn't initiate anything. Please give me some advice.                
Between Two Men

---------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------

Dear Between:

An ex isn’t an ex unless you’ve had a commitment – at least something more than you have stated in your letter.  You were driven to another man because this man was not eager to commit to you until after you had met someone else, and that concerns me.  I would do this:  Tell your husband that you are not satisfied with your marriage, but you are willing to assist him with his depression issues if he seeks a doctor’s help and, perhaps, marriage counseling.  If he is unwilling to do this, then you have every right to leave him. A trial separation would be best before jumping into a divorce, because that would give you time to assess your feelings more objectively.  But I wouldn’t run to the arms of your so-called ex before you are sure that is what you want. You've never had a committed relationship with him and, if you had, it's possible that you might have gone your separate ways. I understand that your husband is boring to you, and “nice guys” do not always make great husbands. This type of man often gravitates to a woman who is extroverted in order to fill a void within his own (often uncultivated, or repressed) personality.  They can, miraculously, reach deep-down and appear outgoing until they get relaxed in a relationship and, then, revert back to their true nature.  If he is not willing to meet you half-way on getting help with his depression, his “nice-guy” image gets tarnished by his inability (weakness) to save his marriage.  If this were to happen, now you are more than justified in pursuing the next chapter of your life.            

Dear Miss Emily:

 My husband and I have been together for13 years (married 4), ever since I was 14 and he was 13. I stuck by his side through thick and thin because he had a drug problem. Two years ago, I finally got fed up and put him out. Well, when I put him out, I guess he came to his senses because he got clean, and has been clean for two years now.  But since then he has messed with somebody else, and they had a baby together 2 months ago. For the last 6 months I've been wanting him back and, he's says, he's been wanting the same.  Now he has this other child, and the girl is nothing but drama.  I don’t know if I’m really ready to deal with that.  At the same time, I want my husband back.  Just the other day he tells me that he is confused..  He feels obligated  to her because of the baby, but he loves me. So he tells me, the same day, that he’s not going to be with anybody because he needs to figure out what he really wants to do.  He wants me to be his friend, but. I don’t think that I can handle that because I’m deeply in love with my husband.  How should I respond to that?
Shattered

--------------------Miss Emily’s advice-------------------

Dear Shattered:

I know that you’re probably not going to believe this, but it’s better to maintain a friendship, now, rather than trying to resume this marriage.  The way I look at it, he’s smart not to make a commitment to you, only to find out later that he made a mistake and feels he needs to make it work with his child’s mother; a common conclusion, because her position holds a lot of sway.  Let him have his space and see where it goes from there.  You don’t have to hang out on a daily basis – just try to rebuild a relationship based on sound reasoning rather than a knee-jerk reaction to this dilemma. For better or worse, he’s got a child now, and he’s obligated to that child.  The mother will, at least, want his help and financial support.  You already said you didn’t think you were ready for the drama she brings to this, and I don’t blame you.  I can see it now – late night calls to help with the baby, and your husband frantically trying to balance two women and a child in his life.  Not pretty!  Be patient, and this whole thing will get resolved.  If he chooses to end the marriage,  you probably dodged a bullet.  On the other hand, if he decides to come back to you, make sure he has all his ducks in a row – a workable relationship with the mother of his child (and that means you too, if possible), child support, and regular visitation.  If he’s not capable of balancing these responsibilities, the pressure could push him back on drugs to avoid it.  For your own sake, don’t walk into that nightmare, again.                                                       

Dear Miss Emily:
 
I have a little problem with my boyfriend.  We've been together for 5 months, now, but just don’t kiss!  Okay, we have kissed like 5 times, but never a real one.  I don’t know what to do, ‘cause I think kisses are important in a relationship and it’s not like we are 11. We are already 17!  I don’t know what to do, because he is a very, very shy guy.  He has a lot of insecurity, and he hasn’t kissed a girl before, but he knows I kissed a lot with my ex.  I don’t mean to pressure him, but I think it’s time (it was time since a long time ago).  Once I asked him what was his opinion about us kissing, and he said it was okay, but he quickly change the subject.  I can see he is embarrassed with his friends ( also mine), because he avoids the kissing subject with them, or says that we don’t kiss because I'm not ready or sure about it. I really love him, and I don’t want to break up over something so silly but, at the same time, it’s important to me.  I don’t know if I should just go and kiss him (I'm a little nervous, too, because I don’t have a lot of experience), or if I should ask him to kiss me or to wait for him.  Please help me with my pathetic problem, and thank you very much.
No Kiss ‘n Tell

-------------------------Miss Emily’s advice---------------------

Dear No Kiss:

The obvious – check your breath situation, although I am pretty sure this is not the problem.  In high school, I knew a guy who didn’t know how to kiss, and he needed to be taught.  After that, he was a kissing fool.  This may not be the case, here, but being painfully shy could be the reason he's balking.  However, you can’t usually get what you want unless you insist on it.  No kissing with a boyfriend is really more of you hanging around a boy who’s a friend.  His passing the buck – he thinks you’re not ready, may seem like a valid excuse to him, but no one with any common sense would buy it.  “Gee, it’s your fault.  Didn’t you realize that!”  I would tell him that you want to explore the idea of getting past this hurdle, because it’s important to you and, as you said, long overdue.  If he agrees, take control.  Set aside a time where the atmosphere is relaxed and stress free. Gently use your tongue, but don’t shove it down his throat.  Keep the saliva to a minimum.  No one wants a bath with a kiss!  If he’s not willing to do this, he’s got problems that go deeper than he's letting on.  Maybe he’s the gay guy in the movie “Clueless.”  He pretends he can be boyfriend material until the chips are down and he’s tested.  Again, tell yourself what you want out of this relationship, and pursue it.  Kissing is a normal couple activity, although some males are more into it than others -- for example, guys who see this as just a necessary means to moving toward the "big enchilada."  If it’s not for him, you'll have to decide if his other attributes are good enough to carry-on as usual. Frustration on your part regarding this matter will, most likely, drive you to having doubts about yourself, rather than realizing that this guy’s hang-ups prevent him from having a normal girl/boy relationship. Only he can fix the problem, and only "if" he's willing to do so.  I wish you success.